Well, I completed the Bristol memory walk yesterday with a good friend who, when she knew I was going to do it, straight away registered so we would do it together. Also had my dog with us and although he is usually walked in the country he coped really well with all those people. Apparently 1900 walked. I managed to raise just over £500 although I only started to fundraise from early August. By next year I hope I might be able to get fitter and will certainly be up for another walk, maybe get a team together! Although I did get very upset on the journey home when passing places we used to go and knowing he wasn't with me. Its the biggest thing I've done since Fred died and he would have loved to see it. Had to pull over and compose myself, too dangerous otherwise.
Re my earlier post, thanks for the suggestions, I'll certainly look into it. I have also started Tai-chi class. Goodness, I never realized that something so slow and gentle could make me find muscles I'd forgotten about, so it should do some good.
Fred's ashes eventually came home this week. He had been placed in a beautiful pictorial coffin, a bluebell wood, which was stunning and I ordered a double ash casket that looks the same, because, when the time comes I will join him. It is a strange comfort. So many people had not known of these beautiful coffins and my husband had chosen his, but now many friends say "that's what I want".
He would have been 80 in November and I had managed to do a suprise celebration for the past 4 "big" birthdays but I just don't want to be here so I might get away for a few days. He'd understand.
I keep being told take your time don't be hard on yourself but if I don't keep busy and try to plan ahead the memories flood back and overwhelm me. I don't want to forget and never will but I will need to allow them to recede. I found these words recently and I'm trying very hard to do it,
You can shed tears that I have gone
or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back
or you can open your eyes and see what I have left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see me
or you can be full of the love we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember me and only that I am gone
or cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what I would want;
SMILE, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE AND GO ON.
I hope they help someone else as they do me.