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Next of kin rights - regarding who visits

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by JackMac, Jun 10, 2015.

  1. JackMac

    JackMac Registered User

    Jun 26, 2010
    west midlands
    Hi everyone

    Wonder if you can give me some advice. Just a question in case further problems arise.

    My mum is in late stage dementia and in a lovely care home. My last post on here just over a year ago was about her sister going in and reprimanding the staff and then insisting on changing mum's clothes and went in with them to do it. Was a horrendous time. The manager was not happy and said we can ban her from going but we wanted to keep the peace and let her continue. She has not given them any trouble since I suspect because they warned her that dad, as next of kin, can ban her if she does anything else.

    Mum and her sister had grown apart many years before mum became ill with dementia and she hardly saw mum. She said mum 'turned against her' which is not true.
    Anyway, since being in a home she now sees her twice a week and we know mum wouldn't really want her there had she been given a choice.

    The sister does not talk to us. Recently she has told their brother who lives overseas lies about our family and it's been devastating. When I spoke to her about it, she admitted it all and when I said how would mum have felt she said "she doesn't know the difference!"
    Some of the things she has said and done have given us cause for concern that she may be saying things to mum too. Mum can no longer speak and most of the time is fairly vacant but on the odd day she smiles and responds appropriately to things I have said. The other day she cried when I played her some familiar music from church... it made me realise she's still in there if you know what I mean.
    Anyway, my point being if my Auntie is saying things to her, I worry she is taking it in.

    It wasn't an issue before because mum was always in the lounge with others but now she is bed bound so visitors are alone with her. Dad would like to stop the sister going but I'm not sure we can legally? The other option is that I visit at the same time as the sister but then mum might pick up on the awkwardness!
    We are worried what she is saying when nobody is there that could distress mum but what can we do?
    I know many of you may think.......nobody would be that low.........seriously if you knew what this woman has done so far, you would know she could stoop that low!

    But stopping her visiting could cause a big headache and is it legal for the next of kin to do that anyway without proof she has done anything?

    I see where dad is coming from, mum would not have wanted her there anyway. And we do have reason to believe she could be saying things to mum too but certainly no proof of it.

    any advice appreciated.
  2. Fred Flintstone

    Fred Flintstone Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    S. E. England
    Arrgghhhh! Family politics!!!

  3. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    I know, makes me glad it's just me, Bruv, Mum and Dad. Mum's sister is in a home with advanced Alzheimer's and her brother died at 55 of a massive heart attack.

    JackMac, if the CH manager asked YOU to ban her and has said that your Dad can ban her then why not do that? Surely your Mum's well being is more important than keeping the peace with a woman none of you like and who could well be causing your dear Mum upset?

    My view would be, who gives a wotsit if she's offended? She's happy to cause offence herself after all! And what could she say that's worse than what she has already said?

    I am no legal beagle but if you say you don't want her to visit, as her next of kin, surely that's enough? Would she actually go to court to get visiting rights? Why does she want to visit anyway if they never got on? If it was to extend an olive branch she would surely extend it to you as well?

    Seriously, if it was me I'd instruct the CH (Manager sounds like she'd be more than happy to comply) and tell Auntie to do one (sorry, the Essex girl in me is getting stroppy!)
  4. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    I agree with Suzanna.

    I had something similar; when Pete moved to Dorset he shared a house with about 6 people-he always stayed friendly with all of them -sporadically at least. One Frenchwoman -M popped in and out of our life occasionally. She found out that Pete was in a CH and found out which one from a friend:eek: M phoned Pete's CH and asked to speak to him. The carers said he couldn't come to the phone at the moment (didn't give any details away) but told her to phone me. Now this woman is so hysterical I thought she would come to England and cause a scene-a bit of a drama queen:D I told the carers not to let her visit as she would do something stupid like call the police. Honestly she would. It was so long since she had seen Pete she had no idea that Pete had AD-let alone the state he was in.

    I was quite prepared for her to see Pete but only under the condition I was there. She never phoned me. She probably thought that I was a horrible person for 'putting Pete away'. Sorry, I'm going on:D Just trying to say that you have every right to ban the sister-to be honest as she is such a trouble maker it would probably be a good thing.

    Take care
    Lyn T
  5. JackMac

    JackMac Registered User

    Jun 26, 2010
    west midlands
    thanks for the advice. You are both spot on I know. I like a quiet life and have tried my hardest to actually end the family feud and all get on but she has chosen to make it worse.

    After all this time of putting up with this evil woman... I never thought of it like this! how right you are!!!
  6. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    Ban her, you don't have to be polite to horrible people, she's not being polite to you guys by saying horrible stuff about you.

    Tell her to go and 'do' one
  7. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    I agree with the others, ban her from visiting your mum. It would be devastating if there is even the slightest possibility that your mum is hearing/understanding any of the nasty things she is saying. I would ask CH manager to let her know she is not welcome to visit - they have the authority to do this.
  8. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    The CH and I agreed that Tom's daughter couldn't visit without supervision, so a carer always sat in, she didn't like it but it was as it was!
  9. JackMac

    JackMac Registered User

    Jun 26, 2010
    west midlands

    Your x
    Comments have helped a lot.

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