Hi everybody
I've been lurking for a little while and figured it was time to talk.
I will be the full time carer for mainly my mum but dad too as he ages out, mum is currently 69, dad is 70.
Mum has been physically unwell all my life (I'm 41), her biggest issue is Melanoma and severe osteo arthritis and while I can't spell the type of melanoma she has, sadly it's the one that will take her life eventually and it's a waiting game as to when this will occur. As I type this, we are waiting on results to see if it has spread to her organs and/or brain and sadly, my gut is telling me that we might not be dealing with early dementia but the Melanoma has now gone into her brain and this is what is happening to her of late.
I live interstate from my parents but was moving in with them (myself, my husband and daughter) around next X-mas (2016) but this has changed and it has got me scared senseless.
I have just come home from a trip to mums and my previous trip was exactly 6 months ago and the 2 trips previous to that trip were also at 6 month intervals. It was on my trip 18 months ago that I started to notice huge changes in mums memory and behavior but thought not much of it, then next trip she was worse and this trip, well, I have to admit, she has me very very scared and worried because she has gone down hill so much and so fast that it has blown my mind.
Everybody around her (friends,dad, my brother, doctor etc) clearly see the changes in her memory and behavior too and express concern.
The biggest problem (and frustrating problem I must admit) is, mum is in total denial that there is anything wrong and after spending days researching, I can see she is definitely one of those people who are in early/mid stages dementia and in denial about it.
So, since coming home and speaking with my GP about what's going on and how much of a decline I can see in mum, he has suggested that if I can make the move to her sooner rather than later, it would be better as he feels that if I leave it until X-mas 2016, she could be in a very bad way and not know who I am at all etc and I would miss out on my last chance to be with my mum as I have always known her but the thing is, she is already a totally different person, so I have already missed some precious time because of her quick decline.
I am also very concerned for dad as he is not coping too well with the "new" mum.
So the decision has pretty much been made that my husband and I will sacrifice ourselves for the next year and I will move down to mum and dads very shorty after this X-mas (and I will have to take our daughter with us as well) so I can be there to start caring for mum and dad while mum is still sort of here.
I have a lot of learning to do in order to help mum because her continual denial and BS stories as to why she can't remember things, why she left the hand brake off in the car, why she thinks she has taken her correct meds etc is driving me nuts already, so I know I must take a step back and change myself, not try and change her like I was doing until recently. I was trying because I did not recognize her symptoms as early dementia but I can now see that this is where she is. After a very lengthy chat with my GP and telling him every little thing she does, says etc, he believes she is in stage 3.
I have spoken direct with mums GP also and he agrees but he will not push her to get assessed because he said it's up to your mum. This frustrates me no end because how am I going to get her to agree to be assessed when she is in total denial that there is anything wrong with her and if you do say anything to her she becomes slightly aggressive and gets very upset and then blames her medications but the meds she is on, do not usually cause these types of symptoms apparently.
When I mentioned to her on the phone yesterday that I am looking at moving down after this X-mas, of course she asked why so soon but I couldn't tell her the truth because another one of her favorite sayings is "I'm ok, geez, you don't need to worry about me yet, I'm fine for at least another few years"
Ha! no she is not! She barely does anything apart from sleep in bed or sleep on the couch because she is in so much physical pain and if she does get up to do something, she forgets many things and the situation ends in disaster and/or the situation is very dangerous and that is one of my big concerns, her safety and dads safety and that is my biggest motivation for wanting to go now.
On this last trip I made, there were incidents where she took the wrong meds or took too many or too little and dad and I often found tablets dropped on the floor and if we ask her, she has no clue what they are or if she knew she dropped it or if she actually took it and it's becoming very dangerous for her because of some of the meds she takes.
She gave dad the wrong meds (I have told him he must stop relying on mum to give him or get his meds for him because she simply can't do it correctly anymore and it's things like this that he finds hard because she has always done this stuff for him).
She left items either on or off in house/car that could have been very dangerous if I had not checked, eating food that is well past used by date and could have made them both very sick, using incorrect chemicals for household jobs that she tried to do but quickly forgets and she actually never finishes them (on my first day there, I went to use the Spray & Wipe bottle to clean bench tops in kitchen and I asked mum if it was bleach instead because it spelt like bleach and bleached the bench, she said "No, of course not, I only just bought that new bottle at the supermarket yesterday" I soon discovered it was bleach and somehow she had filled the empty bottle up with bleach and I know she did not go to the supermarket the day before, I asked her if she knew why it would be bleach and her entire story changed and she blamed dad then blamed me but denied doing it herself or denied her story of buying it the day before at shops etc) and the list goes on and on and on, sadly.
I always knew it was up to me to care for my parents when it came time but I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be dealing with mum having dementia, let alone going down so quick, I never realized it could happen like this.
I know it might sound horrible but my GP said to me last week when I came home from mums, that it would be kinder on her if her cancer gets her first and that this is what I should pray for and I would have to say after all the research I have done and speaking with others, I agree with him and I hate myself for thinking thoughts like this, it seems so horrible.
I have never in a time in my life wished I had a crystal ball so badly, I'm not too sure what I'm so scared of but all I know is, I'm scared pantless by moving down so soon and then being there 24/7 for the next umpteen years.
I think part of it is my frustration that mum is in denial because I know I am the type of person who dislikes people who deny obvious things but it's a problem I have to sort out with in me, I know not to expect her to change this because I know it can be part of dementia and many sufferers are like this in the early stages.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and tell my story and get it all off my chest, even though my husband is a total gem and very supportive, I still feel like I need to speak with others who have lived through what I suspect strongly that I will have to live through in the next how ever many years.
Thanks for listening
I've been lurking for a little while and figured it was time to talk.
I will be the full time carer for mainly my mum but dad too as he ages out, mum is currently 69, dad is 70.
Mum has been physically unwell all my life (I'm 41), her biggest issue is Melanoma and severe osteo arthritis and while I can't spell the type of melanoma she has, sadly it's the one that will take her life eventually and it's a waiting game as to when this will occur. As I type this, we are waiting on results to see if it has spread to her organs and/or brain and sadly, my gut is telling me that we might not be dealing with early dementia but the Melanoma has now gone into her brain and this is what is happening to her of late.
I live interstate from my parents but was moving in with them (myself, my husband and daughter) around next X-mas (2016) but this has changed and it has got me scared senseless.
I have just come home from a trip to mums and my previous trip was exactly 6 months ago and the 2 trips previous to that trip were also at 6 month intervals. It was on my trip 18 months ago that I started to notice huge changes in mums memory and behavior but thought not much of it, then next trip she was worse and this trip, well, I have to admit, she has me very very scared and worried because she has gone down hill so much and so fast that it has blown my mind.
Everybody around her (friends,dad, my brother, doctor etc) clearly see the changes in her memory and behavior too and express concern.
The biggest problem (and frustrating problem I must admit) is, mum is in total denial that there is anything wrong and after spending days researching, I can see she is definitely one of those people who are in early/mid stages dementia and in denial about it.
So, since coming home and speaking with my GP about what's going on and how much of a decline I can see in mum, he has suggested that if I can make the move to her sooner rather than later, it would be better as he feels that if I leave it until X-mas 2016, she could be in a very bad way and not know who I am at all etc and I would miss out on my last chance to be with my mum as I have always known her but the thing is, she is already a totally different person, so I have already missed some precious time because of her quick decline.
I am also very concerned for dad as he is not coping too well with the "new" mum.
So the decision has pretty much been made that my husband and I will sacrifice ourselves for the next year and I will move down to mum and dads very shorty after this X-mas (and I will have to take our daughter with us as well) so I can be there to start caring for mum and dad while mum is still sort of here.
I have a lot of learning to do in order to help mum because her continual denial and BS stories as to why she can't remember things, why she left the hand brake off in the car, why she thinks she has taken her correct meds etc is driving me nuts already, so I know I must take a step back and change myself, not try and change her like I was doing until recently. I was trying because I did not recognize her symptoms as early dementia but I can now see that this is where she is. After a very lengthy chat with my GP and telling him every little thing she does, says etc, he believes she is in stage 3.
I have spoken direct with mums GP also and he agrees but he will not push her to get assessed because he said it's up to your mum. This frustrates me no end because how am I going to get her to agree to be assessed when she is in total denial that there is anything wrong with her and if you do say anything to her she becomes slightly aggressive and gets very upset and then blames her medications but the meds she is on, do not usually cause these types of symptoms apparently.
When I mentioned to her on the phone yesterday that I am looking at moving down after this X-mas, of course she asked why so soon but I couldn't tell her the truth because another one of her favorite sayings is "I'm ok, geez, you don't need to worry about me yet, I'm fine for at least another few years"
Ha! no she is not! She barely does anything apart from sleep in bed or sleep on the couch because she is in so much physical pain and if she does get up to do something, she forgets many things and the situation ends in disaster and/or the situation is very dangerous and that is one of my big concerns, her safety and dads safety and that is my biggest motivation for wanting to go now.
On this last trip I made, there were incidents where she took the wrong meds or took too many or too little and dad and I often found tablets dropped on the floor and if we ask her, she has no clue what they are or if she knew she dropped it or if she actually took it and it's becoming very dangerous for her because of some of the meds she takes.
She gave dad the wrong meds (I have told him he must stop relying on mum to give him or get his meds for him because she simply can't do it correctly anymore and it's things like this that he finds hard because she has always done this stuff for him).
She left items either on or off in house/car that could have been very dangerous if I had not checked, eating food that is well past used by date and could have made them both very sick, using incorrect chemicals for household jobs that she tried to do but quickly forgets and she actually never finishes them (on my first day there, I went to use the Spray & Wipe bottle to clean bench tops in kitchen and I asked mum if it was bleach instead because it spelt like bleach and bleached the bench, she said "No, of course not, I only just bought that new bottle at the supermarket yesterday" I soon discovered it was bleach and somehow she had filled the empty bottle up with bleach and I know she did not go to the supermarket the day before, I asked her if she knew why it would be bleach and her entire story changed and she blamed dad then blamed me but denied doing it herself or denied her story of buying it the day before at shops etc) and the list goes on and on and on, sadly.
I always knew it was up to me to care for my parents when it came time but I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be dealing with mum having dementia, let alone going down so quick, I never realized it could happen like this.
I know it might sound horrible but my GP said to me last week when I came home from mums, that it would be kinder on her if her cancer gets her first and that this is what I should pray for and I would have to say after all the research I have done and speaking with others, I agree with him and I hate myself for thinking thoughts like this, it seems so horrible.
I have never in a time in my life wished I had a crystal ball so badly, I'm not too sure what I'm so scared of but all I know is, I'm scared pantless by moving down so soon and then being there 24/7 for the next umpteen years.
I think part of it is my frustration that mum is in denial because I know I am the type of person who dislikes people who deny obvious things but it's a problem I have to sort out with in me, I know not to expect her to change this because I know it can be part of dementia and many sufferers are like this in the early stages.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and tell my story and get it all off my chest, even though my husband is a total gem and very supportive, I still feel like I need to speak with others who have lived through what I suspect strongly that I will have to live through in the next how ever many years.
Thanks for listening