Increasingly my wife who’s just 62 with Vascular dementia due to Cadasil has started to make upsetting accusations against me and some others. These seem paranoid. I can sort of see when they’re going to start and then I just need to sit there and soak it up- why do I hate her/ she’s getting worse because of me and this will end up killing her/ lots of 4 letter words. I see her face twitching a bit when she’s like this but her speech is more fluent than normal. Then I get a kiss and it’s all over. It’s like a switch is switched on and off. Same again last night Xmas morning 3am. I then can’t sleep and the next morning it’s clear she has no recollection at all. This is new . I don’t know what to do apart from soak it up but it makes me tired and v upset !!!
New paranoia and verbal aggression
- Thread starter Peter58
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It is sad. I don't have experience of this myself (yet), but it seems to be a common feature of dementia which a lot of people on here post about - PWD taking it all out on the person closest to them. Alot of the forum members suggest trying to get yourself into the frame of mind that it's the dementia talking, not your wife, who would probably be mortified if she was aware that she was doing it. I hope you get through it alright and that it's a phase which may pass at some point.
I agree about a switch going on and off, a bit Jeckyll and Hyde, from "I don't how I'd manage without you" to full-on hostility, and when it subsides, "thank you for helping me". It's as if she's recognises being possessed but can't do anything about it but wants me to support her through it - and then thanks me afterwards. To cope with it, I constantly remind myself that it's not her fault - this normally stops me being offended. Also, I try to maintain a positive attitude towards her when she vents her spleen rather than being overtaken by her terrible mood and giving as good as I get. Saying positive things to her when she's giving you hell is hard but helpful in the end.
Difficult to avoid being tired and weary, but a bit easier to avoid being upset...
In normal people there's a link between frustration and aggression, and I imagine that the linked is magnified for people with dementia. When we are frustrated we can count to ten, we can put things in perspective, we can perhaps understand why we are frustrated and cope with it. For people with dementia the world may be a confusing and frightening place, causing deep frustration but with no rational ability to control it. The result can be indiscriminate attacks on carers and those who care most about them.
I have had similar (but not the same) experiences with my husband. Recently he has said he wants to leave me and live on his own (he couldn't). He says I am driving him out, I want to be by myself, I want the house to myself, I don't want to look after him any more. The last episode lasted for over an hour but I just kept repeating over and over that I love him, I don't want him to leave, I want to share our lives together etc. I asked him if he loved me - he said he did. I had to physically restrain him from leaving the house. Eventually, I saw the 'monster' crumble with the weight of our combined love and my husband fell, exhausted and crying, into my arms and it was over. There have been a couple of much smaller incidents since then but they only lasted a couple of minutes and were not so bad.
I wish I knew how to get back to sleep following night-time incidents. We have just had one (totally different) and I can't sleep now but he is dead to the world.
Hi
I am sorry you are having this happen I understand as my husband's first partner cheated on him so I get accused of having men having a second phone to talk to these men and he calls me horrible names says he is going to throw me out in the gutter !!
then he has no recollection either
I am used to this now but it makes me hate him when all I do is care for him
Oh yes, the accusations!
Youre stealing from me
You want to get rid of me/take my house away
Youre having an affair/seeing other people
You are poisoning me
You are nasty to me/shout at me/hit me
You are telling me lies
You do nothing for me
You are taking me over/stopping me doing things/treating me like a child
Welcome to the world of mid-stage dementia........
Youre stealing from me
You want to get rid of me/take my house away
Youre having an affair/seeing other people
You are poisoning me
You are nasty to me/shout at me/hit me
You are telling me lies
You do nothing for me
You are taking me over/stopping me doing things/treating me like a child
Welcome to the world of mid-stage dementia........
I saw a hint of this with my mother - she'd accuse me of stealing things, of having designs on her bungalow, and one time said she'd have refused to give birth to me if she'd known how horrible I'd turn out - this because I insisted she have the soup my husband had made for her rather than tackle the hair on her face with an outsize pair of scissors! It was ridiculous but it still hurt, then and now.
To be honest, the thing that helped was her being put on memantine and an anti-depressant when we'd got her into an excellent care home after a hospital crisis and a shorter-term care home which didn't understand dementia.
Even then, she'd have days when she was nasty and didn't want us to stay. But it was much better.
Is there any chance of medical help for this aggression? If not, the only thing I can think of is for you to wait till she tires of it and then try to distract her with something nice. But you're already doing this.
My sympathy and best wishes - it's so hard. xx
To be honest, the thing that helped was her being put on memantine and an anti-depressant when we'd got her into an excellent care home after a hospital crisis and a shorter-term care home which didn't understand dementia.
Even then, she'd have days when she was nasty and didn't want us to stay. But it was much better.
Is there any chance of medical help for this aggression? If not, the only thing I can think of is for you to wait till she tires of it and then try to distract her with something nice. But you're already doing this.
My sympathy and best wishes - it's so hard. xx
An amalgamation of things mum and things OH said to me, but Ive seen them time and again in various posts on here
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