1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. lindisfarne

    lindisfarne Registered User

    May 1, 2008
    19
    My husband who is in a secure nursing home suffering from A.D. is still very aggressive and threatening to patients and staff. He went into this home nearly a year ago through this behaviour as he also suffers from hallucinations.

    The staff are good and assure me that this is all to do with what he suffers from. However I feel so guilty about it and I admit, ashamed. He is only 65 years old and has suffered about 10 years. He is becoming frailer but is still a menace.

    He takes Quetiapine twice per day and Lorazepam when required, which is often. I've asked his consultant to try him without these pills but they will not do this.

    I am at my wits end trying to make sense of my feelings and although I visit every day (Ive been told I should'nt but I cannot help it), I really dread going to see him as Im frightened of what the staff are gong to tell me what he has done. I then sit at home imagining what he is geting up to.

    We@ve been married for fourty years and Im finding it very difficult living without him and Im just plain worried about him.

    Anyone in a similar position?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Hello lindisfarne. :)

    I am not in your position. My husband is still at home, he is older than your husband and although extremely anxious and confused, not aggressive.

    I imagine the home goes into so much detail regarding your husband`s behaviour, in accordance with their policy of communication. I`m sure they don`t realize just how much it upsets you and how personally you take it.

    Would you prefer it if they did not go into so much graphic detail? Perhaps if you had a word with the manger, you could decide between you how much you should be told.

    It must be soul destroying for you to hear such negative comments all the time. It really might make your time with your husband, and your time at home without him much easier, if you didn`t know so much.
     
  3. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Dear Lindisfarn,

    Yes I for one have been in your position, worried to death about Ken's behaviour and ashamed, confused and totally bewildered by the force of it all. It has taken me a long, long time to accept that this is not something I can control. I can only still go on loving and supporting him the best way I can.

    He is one of many, many sufferers who display this kind of behaviour. It is part and parcel of his disease. I'ver seen other wives whose husbands continually display severely aggressive behaviour and watched the shame and pain on their faces too. This is not just happening to you and your husband, so many others are going through exactly the same experiences. Take comfort in the fact that this is caused by his terrible disease. He cannot control this and neither can you. It has to be accepted as part of his illness. I'm sure any staff worth their salt and with even a small amount of experience have seen this severe behaviour over and over again.

    You are a loving, caring wife and are doing everything humanly possible to try to support your husband. Feel proud of the fact that you have the courage to go through this ordeal. Hold your head up high my love. I'm sure many staff admire the way you continue to come to visit him, even though it causes you such severe pain to witness what is happening to the person you love.

    It is indeed a lonely, long road you are treading but you have friends who understand here on TP. After all we ourselves have suffered, how could we not understand and sympathise for your suffering. There may come a time when his condition changes again. Some men go through this violent phase and then enter a new phase of the disease where they are much more compliant.

    Thinking of you. xxx TinaT
     
  4. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Lindisfarne

    Although I am not in the same situation as you I certainly identify with what you say above about being at your wits end trying to make sense of your feelings. I felt very alone with my feelings and very confused and guilty sometimes. This is where Talking Point really helped me. I was able to voice some of the things that had remained unspoken and it was like being liberated from a prison. It has helped me to read other people talking about things that I daren't voice.

    Hoping that you find this a place that helps you to begin to make sense of your feelings.

    Love Helen
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Lindisfarne

    My husband is also in an EMI unit, but he has never been violent. He is ther because he is the final stages, and is totally immobile.

    But there are other patents there who are violent and aggressive, and the staff cope well with them. You certainly shouldn't be feeling guilty and ashamed. Neither should your husband. It's not your fault, and it's not his. It's part and parcel of his illness.

    You can't do better than to follow Tina's advice. She has suffered what you are suffering, and is only now seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

    Please keep posting. Ther is no need to fel alone, there are always people here to support you.

    All the best,
     
  6. lindisfarne

    lindisfarne Registered User

    May 1, 2008
    19
    And the tears flowed..........

    Dear Hazel,Helen, Tina and Sylvia,

    Your response to my message was amazing and I thank you all for your kindness and understanding, (and thats when the tears flowed).

    I know T.P. is going to be my lifeline and will continue to use it and also follow the good advice you have given me.

    Went to visit again today and he seemed happy so I am happy.

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart
     
  7. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hi Lindisfarne

    I know what you mean about the tears flowing. I felt such relief finding folk that could empathise with what I was going through.

    I am so pleased that your husband was happier today and that you are happier.

    Best wishes to you

    Helen :)
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    That's all any of us can hope for, Lindisfarne.

    I hope you have many more happy visits, it's so good to know our loved ones are well cared-for and comfortable.

    Love,
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    I`m so pleased to hear it. It is how so many of us feel. It is only by sharing information with people is similar situations, people who understand, people who know what you are talking about, that we can really offload and be comforted.

    I`m so pleased your husband was happier today. It must have made it so much easier for you to leave him.

    Take care xx
     
  10. Vall

    Vall Registered User

    Jun 9, 2006
    8
    Merseyside
    Hello Lindisfarne, hello everbody

    I keep saying I am going to stop visiting this site, I use up too many tissues. The sympathy, empathy and encouragement expressed is so warm-hearted and well meaning.

    I too am in your situation, Lindisfarne. The SW said the other day, with a wide-eyed blink 'you go EVERY DAY?' But how hard it is not to go. My husband was in my life for 35 years, he is just in my life in a different way. I tell them I will go less frequently when he is more settled. I too am terrified that he will become too agressive and they will make him go elsewhere. He is so difficult with the staff - they don't know he used to be lovely and gentle, caring and kind.

    "just plain worried about him" - it's understandable. I am glad he was a bit happier on your last visit, everything seems brighter after a 'good' visit. My best wishes to you.

    Vall
     
  11. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Hello lindisfarne,
    Welcome to Talking Point.
    You will find so much support here.
    Many are going through different experences but we are all in the herrendous illness together.
    My husband is in E.M.I. Unit and the final stages.
    If you feel you have to visit every day that that has to be your decision. It is not easy when you are worried about behaviour problems but they are the Professionals and are use to dealing with it.
    We all feel guilt and recently reading my husband's Care Notes I was so surprised and shocked that my gentle, loving, kind husband was doing things that I found upsetting reading but I know the Staff are brillaint with him.
    There is so much support here on Talking Point, no matter how small a problem, the lovely friends I have made are a life saver.
    Take Care
    Christine
     
  12. lindisfarne

    lindisfarne Registered User

    May 1, 2008
    19
    similiar people

    Dear Vall

    We sound so similiar with what we are going through and how we are reacting. I totally agree with you that our husbands are still the centre piece of our lives. We've also been married for about the same length of time. We are in our thirty ninth year.

    That is also my main worry that they will move him to another place, although they do reassure me that they will not. As you say they are used to this behaviour and we are not.

    Thanks again for your support.

    Lindisfarne.
     
  13. lindisfarne

    lindisfarne Registered User

    May 1, 2008
    19
    Appreciation

    Dear Christine

    How nice to read your message. Those case notes scare the living daylights out of me at times, its like reading a horror book and not about your loved one.

    I could not tell you what stage my husband is in as he keeps changing so much. This last week he has been very sensible in his conversation but the previous three weeks he was rather poorly and lost one and a half stone in weight.

    Thanks again for your support.

    Lindisfarne.
     
  14. louise@weinprop

    louise@weinprop Registered User

    May 12, 2005
    22
    Dear Lindisfarne
    I can only empathise with you, as I am in the process of making the heart wrenching decision to leave my husband who is only 62 full time at the home where he has been a day patient for the last 9 months. I can no longer handle him at home and work all day, which is a necessity, as there is no state assistance in South Africa whatsoever. We have also been married for 39 years but I just feel I would like to be able to visit him to show him love and affection rather than pressuring him all the time, with the dressing, bathing, toiletary routines all of which he cannot do for himself anymore. I have chosen a home close to work so that I can be there to say goodnight every night, and just pop in during my lunch breaks etc, which I hope will keep me an integral part of his life for as long as possible. I have shed copious amount of tears over this decision, but I know it is the best thing I can do for him. I wish you loads of love and comfort and just know you are not alone.
     

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