Hi folks, my mum, aged 83, has Vascular dementia, and as I live in a different city and my sister, though caring for my Mum, has fallen out with me and only gives me occasional updates. My Mum is now being moved between hospitals and nursing homes, despite her strokes leaving her paralyzed down one side, This means she'll almost certainly never revisit the old family home she still owns, and not getting updates on her locations makes it impossible for me to get to my old home city to visit her. My sister, a year younger than me (I'm 62 in a few days time) fell out with me when I exposed herthen 30 year old son for stealing my DVD's off me. She refused total to me ever again unless she had to and got her husband, 3 sons and their wives to all snub me too, though my Mum refused to cut me off. My sister eventually threatened to stop her family from attending family Xmas unless I was refused entry and later persuaded my Mum to pressure me to leave the family home though then unemployed. The local council wanted me to become fully homeless and live on the streets before considering me for rehousing but friends were able to fix me up with a rented flat in another city, further alienating me from my Mum. As my Mum's health has disintegrated my sister has given me few updates, and got paperwork signed to make herself the next of kin, which would normally be me as the oldest sibling. Now my Mum is at stage 5 dementia, with her heart down to 40% function, suffering strokes, barely eating (she is down to about 6 stone despite severe diabetes), and with her dementia, I am getting few updates when I contact my Sister for news. 1/. I seriously worry my sister won't even tell me right away when my Mum dies or the date/time of the funeral. 2/. Might well engineer me out of any inheritance. 3/. I feel a horrible desire that my Mum dies sooner rather than later to end what must be very miserable and frightening for her.
New here. Hello everyone
- Thread starter Prestonian
- Start date
Hi @Prestonian and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have direct experience of what you describe. Although I am estranged from my wife's son I have never chosen to deliberately exclude him from knowing his Mam's whereabouts or visiting her. That's easier now she is in a care home.
All I can suggest in your case is to try to make sufficient peace with your sister to enable you to get information about where your Mum is moving to. That way, if you wish to visit your Mum you would be able to do so without necessarily having to deal with your sister. If she is in a care home and you introduce yourself to the manager they may be able to keep you up to date and enable visits.
I hope that maybe some of what I have said will help you.
All I can suggest in your case is to try to make sufficient peace with your sister to enable you to get information about where your Mum is moving to. That way, if you wish to visit your Mum you would be able to do so without necessarily having to deal with your sister. If she is in a care home and you introduce yourself to the manager they may be able to keep you up to date and enable visits.
I hope that maybe some of what I have said will help you.
Hello @Prestonian and I just wanted to say welcome from me also to this supportive and friendly forum.
Thank you for sharing your story; it's a tough one for sure... and all the family history that has gone on that has culminated to this is plain horrible for you.
I have to agree with what @northumbrian_k has already suggested, as I cannot think of any other helpful things to suggest. Making a bit of peace with your sister won't be easy, but hopefully for the sake of your Mum's health, something can be resolved.
I hope that somehow you can move things forward. Take care.
Thank you for sharing your story; it's a tough one for sure... and all the family history that has gone on that has culminated to this is plain horrible for you.
I have to agree with what @northumbrian_k has already suggested, as I cannot think of any other helpful things to suggest. Making a bit of peace with your sister won't be easy, but hopefully for the sake of your Mum's health, something can be resolved.
I hope that somehow you can move things forward. Take care.
There is no 'next of kin' paperwork - maybe you're referring to Power of Attorney? If your sister has this (your mother would have had to agree to it) then things are pretty much out of your hands as she will now be responsible for all your mum's affairs. As an attorney, she must act in the donor's (your mum) best interests at all times and cannot benefit financially from her position.
However, if this is the case and she is manipulative and your mother is easily bullied, it could be she has also persuaded your mother to change her will and disinherit you. I'm not sure there is anything you could do about this though you could/should take legal advice.
If your sister now has PoA, then she is within her rights to deny you information if she thinks doing so would be detrimental to your mum.
You clearly have a troubled relationship with your sister and it doesn't sound like she's going to change her position. I think the only thing you can do is write to your sister and say that you just want to see your mum/know how she is. Don't make any accusations or lay blame, just swallow your feelings and ask her nicely. I just don't think there's much else you can do.
However, if this is the case and she is manipulative and your mother is easily bullied, it could be she has also persuaded your mother to change her will and disinherit you. I'm not sure there is anything you could do about this though you could/should take legal advice.
If your sister now has PoA, then she is within her rights to deny you information if she thinks doing so would be detrimental to your mum.
You clearly have a troubled relationship with your sister and it doesn't sound like she's going to change her position. I think the only thing you can do is write to your sister and say that you just want to see your mum/know how she is. Don't make any accusations or lay blame, just swallow your feelings and ask her nicely. I just don't think there's much else you can do.
