Such a lovely man , a dream patient they say. While I do not want him to be disturbed or unhappy - try as I might, I cannot forget the last day and the words "you will see what I am capable of" when he said he wanted me out of his house. I know it is dementia and he does not know what he does any more, but I DO NOT want him back. It was not only that remark - I have felt a background ,simmering hostility for the last 5 years, but never put as clearly as that last day. This person is not my husbnd now - but what id the care home think he is fine, if he such a model patient? He is not fine. I do not and did not feel safe. What if the assessor thinks he is ok to come home? This is not a man I know and it scares me.
Nearly four weeks in care home now
- Thread starter SandyRose
- Start date
Firstly, goodness you sound so worried and frightened, this must be a dreadful time for you. You have suffered a lot and now you are afraid that you will lose the little bit of freedom and you have been offered.
Why do you think the assessor will say he is ok to come home? I’ve had a quick look the through your previous posts and I can see how awful it has been for you. I am sure you will have told them all of this too and I can see no reason at all why anyone would suggest he should come home, especially after such a long time.
Our experience with Mum was similar, she was frightened and paranoid at home and didn’t recognise dad. We had some dreadful frightening scenes ending up with her being admitted to A&E and from there to a care home.
Whenever I phone or contact them, she is also the perfect resident,helping and being sociable and happy. Very different from at home.
However, it is only when I really ask serious questions that I get the actual truth, that evenings she still gets agitated and upset, and often won’t sleep the whole night etc etc.. Admittedly not to the level we had at home, but that is because she is being looked after 24/7 by caring professional people who know what they are doing and have the time and patience to do so, but it is not as perfect and rosy as they might portray when you just phone up to say hello.
if you are really worried, I would have a proper conversation with the care home manager about it and ask their honest opinion and reassurance they don’t want him to come home. Others with more experience than me may also be able to confirm that it is incredibly unlikely they will move someone with dementia
but at the end of the day, in the unlikely event for some strange reason they say he could come home, you don’t have to have him home. You just need to show them your posts in here, tell them you don’t feel safe and can’t keep him safe and they will have to look after him.
Safety is the keyword, and it is as much about your safety as his.
Forgive me for intruding, but I am also wondering if you might be suffering from depression, and that your low mood is making it even harder to accept that you may no longer have to suffer. Please speak to your GP about how you are feeling. You have been through so much, it would be a miracle if you could come out unscathed and there is no shame in asking for and getting the help you need and deserve.
and do phone the helpline. Talking out loud can really help to get things in perspective and the admiral nurses on the helpline know exactly what you’ve been going through.
take care.
Why do you think the assessor will say he is ok to come home? I’ve had a quick look the through your previous posts and I can see how awful it has been for you. I am sure you will have told them all of this too and I can see no reason at all why anyone would suggest he should come home, especially after such a long time.
Our experience with Mum was similar, she was frightened and paranoid at home and didn’t recognise dad. We had some dreadful frightening scenes ending up with her being admitted to A&E and from there to a care home.
Whenever I phone or contact them, she is also the perfect resident,helping and being sociable and happy. Very different from at home.
However, it is only when I really ask serious questions that I get the actual truth, that evenings she still gets agitated and upset, and often won’t sleep the whole night etc etc.. Admittedly not to the level we had at home, but that is because she is being looked after 24/7 by caring professional people who know what they are doing and have the time and patience to do so, but it is not as perfect and rosy as they might portray when you just phone up to say hello.
if you are really worried, I would have a proper conversation with the care home manager about it and ask their honest opinion and reassurance they don’t want him to come home. Others with more experience than me may also be able to confirm that it is incredibly unlikely they will move someone with dementia
but at the end of the day, in the unlikely event for some strange reason they say he could come home, you don’t have to have him home. You just need to show them your posts in here, tell them you don’t feel safe and can’t keep him safe and they will have to look after him.
Safety is the keyword, and it is as much about your safety as his.
Forgive me for intruding, but I am also wondering if you might be suffering from depression, and that your low mood is making it even harder to accept that you may no longer have to suffer. Please speak to your GP about how you are feeling. You have been through so much, it would be a miracle if you could come out unscathed and there is no shame in asking for and getting the help you need and deserve.
and do phone the helpline. Talking out loud can really help to get things in perspective and the admiral nurses on the helpline know exactly what you’ve been going through.
take care.
Thank you for taking the time to say all this, it has really helped me to see things more clearly. I am takng Sertraline anti depressents, can't tell if they have done any good. Just feel in limbo, not knowing what the future will bring.
Hi @SandyRose - my heart goes out to you, and I just wanted to reply to say what great advice @PollyM gave you... I think having an honest chat with the staff there is a great idea, and hopefully it would put you at ease a little. You sound so worried and upset, and i hope they could calm your worries a bit.
I don’t have a matching experience, but I did have similar when mum was finally admitted to hospital. The seemed to have this ability to present herself as almost lucid when any medical people called or visited her at home - my brother and I were at our wits end! But the medics knew what to look for, and could still clearly see she wasn’t as clear as first impression gave.
At the hospital we’d get updates along the lines of ‘oh she’s doing great, she’s lovely to chat to isn’t she?’ And my brother and I would panic thinking they thought she was ok and were going to pop her back home again! But I think the staff were just saying positive things because they knew that’s what we wanted to hear - which was true, of course we wanted to know she was comfortable and settled. But we also wanted to know that the dementia signs that we had been so concerned about, were still happening when they talked to her. And they didn’t really give us much of an indication about that. It was only one time when I asked one of the nurses whether Mum was confused ‘most of the time’ and she replied “oh yes, she’s rarely lucid” (or words to that effect) that I really got an inkling as to how bad mum was there. They seemed to think I’d know that, and didn’t realise how ‘fragile’ the situation had been to us.
Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I guess what I’m saying is, yes definitely talk to them And ask for some honest feedback on how your husband is. They might not realise how concerned you are, and how delicate the balance has been for you.
Take care...
I don’t have a matching experience, but I did have similar when mum was finally admitted to hospital. The seemed to have this ability to present herself as almost lucid when any medical people called or visited her at home - my brother and I were at our wits end! But the medics knew what to look for, and could still clearly see she wasn’t as clear as first impression gave.
At the hospital we’d get updates along the lines of ‘oh she’s doing great, she’s lovely to chat to isn’t she?’ And my brother and I would panic thinking they thought she was ok and were going to pop her back home again! But I think the staff were just saying positive things because they knew that’s what we wanted to hear - which was true, of course we wanted to know she was comfortable and settled. But we also wanted to know that the dementia signs that we had been so concerned about, were still happening when they talked to her. And they didn’t really give us much of an indication about that. It was only one time when I asked one of the nurses whether Mum was confused ‘most of the time’ and she replied “oh yes, she’s rarely lucid” (or words to that effect) that I really got an inkling as to how bad mum was there. They seemed to think I’d know that, and didn’t realise how ‘fragile’ the situation had been to us.
Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I guess what I’m saying is, yes definitely talk to them And ask for some honest feedback on how your husband is. They might not realise how concerned you are, and how delicate the balance has been for you.
Take care...
Hello @SandyRose,
Just to say that you have had fab advice here and I hope you do look after yourself too. Sertraline are pretty good, just give them time. Good luck with it all x
Just to say that you have had fab advice here and I hope you do look after yourself too. Sertraline are pretty good, just give them time. Good luck with it all x
