1. zedman

    zedman Registered User

    Jun 27, 2008
    i don't know why i'm posting this here but here goes

    my nan passed away on the 24th of june 2008 two days ago she had vascular dementia and sufferd the most horrific death i could imagine her mind was robbed of all it was and i could do nothing to help her i loved my nan alot, Two months ago she was taken into hospital she was not eating or drinking and she had a stroke she "recoverd" in hospital enough to talk again and in the end forgot everyone even her twin sister and her daughter but she remeberd me and i dont know why. one month ago in hospital she asked to leave she did not know where she wanted to go so i asked if she would like me to find a home where she would be taken care of, she cried with happiness and said thank you.
    On the 10th of june she fell asleep and only ever breifly opened her eyes and spoke but every time she would only remember me and smile at me she even once told me she loved me.
    During this time i had been to 20 or 30 nursing homes before deciding on one and after lenghthy arguments we managed to get her into it.

    She went on the morninng of the 23rd of june and she slept through the transfer there later that day i whisperd to her that i had kept my promise and got her into a nice home and she woke up and smiled at me and looked around,
    we had already put her pictures and things around her and i swear although at this point she could not speak i heard her say "thank you" she fell asleep again soon after so we thought we would let her rest for the night.
    On the morning of the 24th of june i recived a call at work from the nursing home my nan had passed away that morning in her sleep...

    I cant help feeling that moving her made this happen and i feel so much guilt.

    its been two days and i dont know what to do i have too much time on my hands i should be looking after nan feeding her or talking to her or cleaning her instead i have nothing

    nan i miss you so much i hope i did all i could for you
  2. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    coast of texas
    Zedman, you did so much....

    AD is a horrific disease in the end it seems so cruel to have to watch our loved one leave. I can't take away your grief, but I can give you a perspective. Mom didn't know me for several months and like your Nan she had had strokes which sent her further into AD at a much faster rate. I took care of her at home, it was hard and I do not wish nor recommend someone doing it at all---anymore. Her last month was a nightmare for me, my mother no longer controlled her body. She shrivelled up as her tendons started to tighten from her body not knowing how to use them. She grew tired of being fed. She slept 20 hours out of 24. SHe had a love in her life, my dad, she had ceased to talk of him months ago, but now she was staring at her ring and his picture with tears in her eyes. A few weeks before mom died she had a moment which was very lucid. She looked at me and told me she loved me and called me by my name and thanked me for being there for her. It was brief, but it was gut wrenching to me. Over the next few weeks she slept more--ate less. Her death didn't take me by surprise, but she left me. The woman who had been there for me had ceased to be months ago. I was able to let her go because I knew she was in a better place. I know this isn't an easy time. I have guilt..did I do things right? But I know that death is a part of life.

    Tonight I write this, not being a person who nrmally writes condolences, but as a "friend" who has been the road with you. To you I say mourn the person you lost months ago. Be happy for the tranquility she now has and carry with you the warm memories of knowing that her love for you was so strong that her AD was not able to erase you from her mind. She walks with you now...and as you mourn I am sure you will find solace in little things.


  3. zedman

    zedman Registered User

    Jun 27, 2008
    thank you for your kind words i don't know if the feelings of guit that i have will ever leave me but i know she is finnaly at peace now. This past year has changed me forever i know i will never be the same person i was, but i have to say although i have never posted here i have being visting this site for a while now and it has really helped knowing that other people do understand what we have gone through
  4. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    Nr Mold
    I think your Nan was happy to die peacefully in the home you had chosen for her.

    Sending you love and sympathy.

    Love Linda x
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Zedman,

    Must admit that my immediate thought was the same as Lindas.....you gave your nan a safe place to die...she felt comfortable and so could stop fighting. Don't feel guilt...feel pride, feel love....you did right by your nan...she knew it, and you know it.

    Take care, Love Helen

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