My parents anniversary--theyre together, but i cant see them --can i write here?

[chana]

How the little things make up the big picture---it brings so many funny memories

i read these posts as often as i can. i see how so many of you see its the little things we remember that make up the big picture. i see those little things too. we never notice as much when we have our loved ones here. i took my parents for granted. i thought theyd be here forever.inside i knew they wouldnt, but the day it came it was a reality.i see things i never noticed before. i took it for granted. now im so glad i have my birthday cards my mother sent me. i have her hand writing and the words of her cards. i see the bathrobe she bought me when my daughter was born. it was always beautiful, but now it seems like so much more than just a bathrobe. i started laughing again. im ok,. ihave the arthritis she gave me. so i just live with it. that i could do without. i see so many keepsakes. when my son got married i gave him my fathery wedding ring. he doesnt wear jewelry so his wife wears it. it keeps my father alive to me . my daughter in law thanked me and told me she was honored to have it. --how i accepted her. i never thought she was right for my son ---.not because shes bad, but shes so much more worldly than he is. they seem to be happy. thats what counts.i thanked her. it turns out she loves me. seeing my fathers ring on her hand makes me so happy and it does broing such woinderful memories back. he never wore jewelry either. he wore his sunglasse. i wish i had those, but i think he has the,m. my mother is with him. he needs them now.i do hsve keepsakes that i never really thought about when they were alive. these keep them alive. im sentimental.i see them and in remember such things i have to laugh.these little things do make up th big picture. i have such stories to tell. i want to write a humorous book. i will. my hands need to get stronger. i had surgery. it wasnt any good. its 2 years now. ill give it little more time.then i will. ill do it slowly.my back makes me do itslow. i wont have any more surgeries. im laughing now and i plan to keep laughing.right now i need some time for me. then i want to start writing again. we all have so many stories to tell.we see the little things. to me the little things make up the big picture. i do go thru some thingsnof theirs and i have to laugh. theres a story in each. like i said my fathers sunglasses were a classic. i realize he needs them more than i do.they must be with him. after all--the whole family is there along with their friends. i have my own family.its a lot, but he needs those sunglasses now more than ever. my parents were real family people. i see now when i have no other family what my mother was trying to teach us--how family is so impt. my father left everything to her, but always had his sunglasses in winter ir summer in his pocket,wherever they went.----even if they were home with company. i have some really funny stories to tell. i will. i sure hes wearing them now. but it is the little things we remember most. they make up the big picture.

 

[chana]

After a year--now i can laugh --im lucky to have had the good memories

this was a very hard year. as you all know my mother died 1 year ago. now im starting to be able to be me again. i can laugh. i can be the strong person with the spirit my mother saw in me years ago together with my fathers brains and that is some good combination. i have no parents. i have no family left except for my children and husband.troubles just never end around here. i have to manage with my lower back being what it is--it really isnt. they would have to rebuild it and i wont do that. its too many years. im laughing now. i wont be laughing if i do that. i dont always have pain. i do everything . i have to be me. i am.i am my mothers daughter in every way. too bad the arthritis came with it. people still ask me where i had my beautiful nose done. i didnt. its my mothers. she did everything and so do i. i force myself, even if i have pain. i learned from my mother that you have to force yourself to do something even if you think you cant. im like that. i wont let anything get me down. not now.im pretty tough. my husband told mme the other day how strong i really am. i put a monument up for my parents memory. i feel good about it.even my daughter nin law told me how strong i am. she told me she loved me and my humor. i think shes afraid of something, but shes ok with me. it will come out eventually. i dont ask anything. it has to come from her. now im the old guy. i never thought i wouldnt have my mother and father around. youn take things for granted like my children take me. it doesnt last forever. i see i now have to do it on my own with my husband. neither of us have parents or family. i always say IF I MESS UP, THIS TIME I HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP. I CANT CALL MY MOTHER OR FATHR ANYMORE. i do my best. im writing a book. i posted in the tea room for interviews. on opinions only. i have mine. i want others too.as my mother would say(my family had sayings for everything)--IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. i love my children more than anything. im just laying the law down now. theyll get it eventually. theyll realize im a person with education and they say HOW ARE YOU MOM? CAN YOU PLEASE HELP? when its done THANK YOU MOM. were getting there. it takes time. after all for so many years things were thrown at me like im a doormat. were getting there. its a strange , but nice feeling to be appreciated. i can get used to it fast enough. ill never forget my parents, but life moves on. we remember and im laughing at the things those 2 did. i just wish i knew where my fathers sunglasses were. i nthink he has them. he really needs them now. everyone is there., but with my mother alone, thats enough.i wonder if they have a television where they are----if they do--those weekly dean martin shows he dreaded. now i know the sunglasses are with him.ill always remember their birthdays and anniversary and ill write from here. theyll get it.i hope the dean martin show isnt on when i write. im ok. there are still stores ii cant go to yet. i cant finish the needlepoint i started for my mother. its too soon. ill get there. i dont want to see any pictures of her when she was sick. i only want to remember how she really looked. thats her. her being sick was not her.

 

[chana]

Its over a year now-im laughing-i thought i forgot how- my birthdays coming

I have to say its almost my birthday. Last year i didnt care. What a difference a year makes. Im laughing again. Last year i thought i forgot how, but i didnt. My humor is back. My children are laughing at my ridiculous humor. Even my husband cracked a smile. He thinks im ridiculous. So what--im laughing again. I didnt forget. I never will., but im laughing. Last year i didnt even want anything for my birthday. This year i told my husband ill buy what i want and he can pay for it. He has no taste in gifts and i want what i want.so hes saying --what do i need? I answered --it doesnt go by need. It goes by wanting. Hes afraid ill make up for 2 years. I just might. He tells me to choose my card. I draw the line there. He knows it.so he and my children can sing happy birthday to me. I sure earned it. What a year! I will always remember. How can i forget? I still say--where are my fathers sunglasses? They have to be with him. Everyones there.tonight i was listening to dean martins song---everybody loves somebody sometime. How i was laughing at myself. I was in the clouds like my daughter is now. Shes like me.shell get over it. I did too.i remember how he put his sunglasses on every week. He dreaded those shows. I was in the clouds and i wanted a man like dean martin. I told my mother he was a good father, but i wont make the mess she did. He never said a word. He just put his sunglasses on and dreaded those shows.he snuck out the next morning at the crack of dawn. My mother said hes gorgeous on tv and to let it go. I couldnt. I asked my father why he wasnt like dean martin, he never said anything. My mother eventually asked him too. Not a word. Im laughing now. I just listened to his trademark song--everybody loves somebody sometime-----now im older . I still love his music and his voice, but i grew up. So will my daughter. Shes like me.my husband is no dean martin. No way no how. Hes like my father after all. I love him. Im nothing like i used to be. I really did grow up.the year passed. Im laughing again. Im laughing at these memories. I can now.so it will be my birthday soon. Im thinkinking what i want. I dont want what i need. I want what i want .i want to keep laughing. Laughter i s a gift too. My children love my humor. They tell me i should entertain. My husband doesnt get it. , but if he cracked a smile hes starting to get it. So now i have mymemories. Theyre alive forever. Im ok.so my lower backs on the way out. Is anything perfect!

 

[chana]

ive posted that my lower back is on the way out. today is a bad day. im laughing, but all of a sudden i miss having my mother giving me advice. she had a remedy for everything.i was at the dr and i dont want a surgery like this, but it seems my hip is at it too. im crying all of a sudden. my husband is here, but i dont want o be with him right now.im not angry. i guess a year really isnt enough to always laugh.i wish i can call her, but shes gone. im on my own. i look up things on internet and it says rest. im not 1 to rest all day. my daughter is coiming. with all her throwing things at me. she knew in needed her today when i spoke to her. she heard my voice and knew. i really want to be with her. she makes me laugh. my children are really good kids. so they throw something at me sometimes. nothing is perfect. theyre better. they know when i need them. theyre here for me. thats a big part of why i tolerate what they do.she wants to sit with me or just go out ourselves. my daughter and i aare friends too. we say anything to each other. shes grown and i think my husband feels left out, but today i really am glad shes coming. shes bringing food over. i cant cook today. i write a lot,maybe too much. im still laughing at times and im going with my daughter to pick my birthday present out. shell be here after work. shes just like i was at her age.shell get off the clouds. i did. im fine. i can laugh, but i cant stand the arthritis. its going into my hip too. i think im crying more from the arthritis than anything, but i could use my mother now.shes gone. these things come up-ill be alright when she gets here. she always makes me laugh. she even got me to read 50 shades. its not for me, but i read it and im with it.

 

[chana]

The little things

I went into the store i was in with my mother for the last time finally. I couldnt before. Its over a year. Its a beautiful and i bouthgt a birthday present for myself and then my husband paid me back. I was ok. I got home and burst out crying., i want ed to bring the pocketboodk i bought back, but my husband said to keep it. My mother wanted me to have it.it was expensive. I neve r spend money like this, but he said keep it. He misses her too. Hee paid me back and really wants me to have it, but its still in the bag. I always say---its the little thijgs that make up the big picture.maybe i needed more time till i went there. I have to see.

 

[chana]

i want to say this to you, mom and dad----im starting to laugh. i am funny. you remember how you both thought so. you were both so right about me--im skinny but tough. i can do anything. i thank you both for that. i cry at things. ill always miss you both and ill always write from here because theres no other address. its my birthday. you know. you never forgot. i wish i could see you, but im happy youre together at least and i love you both. i never forget. i never could. you made me who i am. you gave me courage when i needed it. you taught me strength so i have it. you taught me the wisdom to see in myself that i have spirit and brains. i see it now. i didnt then. so thank you for my life and for being who you were. i love you both always. i know you both know whats happening. i love you guys always. i just wanted to say THANKS FOR IT ALL. I HAD IT ALL. I HAD THE 2 OF YOU.