My mum

[mumthewird]

My mum is 87 was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago, she lives with my 88 year old dad ( or did do up until few days ago) he's in & out of hospital & can't get on with carers that used to go in to mum ( on 3rd agency) he's just come out of hospital with sepsis & now mum is in with low patasium levels ( keeps passing out ) I love my parents so much , my mum can only walk with aid & help just a few yards & is becoming fully incontenant , she's very confused although sometimes it's a memory I recognise but jumbled up into a few different ones if you know what I mean
She's always been adamant she doesn't ever want to go in a 'home' but it's making my dad ill & myself , I am married but I am rarely home I have grandchildren I don't get to see either , the guilt I'm having as I feel mum does now need a care home and I feel this is the time to do it the hospital say my dad cannot carry on caring & needs a care home now too ..... but I still can't do it I'm crying as I'm writing this my mum is/was my best friend and I feel I'm betraying her , she's do to go to an accesment hospital on Monday & I feel sick thinking about it and what they will say & our desicion ... and how do we live with it & get on with living , any help appreciated & I hope this all makes sense
Lynn

 

[Marcelle123]

My mum is 87 was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago, she lives with my 88 year old dad ( or did do up until few days ago) he's in & out of hospital & can't get on with carers that used to go in to mum ( on 3rd agency) he's just come out of hospital with sepsis & now mum is in with low patasium levels ( keeps passing out ) I love my parents so much , my mum can only walk with aid & help just a few yards & is becoming fully incontenant , she's very confused although sometimes it's a memory I recognise but jumbled up into a few different ones if you know what I mean
She's always been adamant she doesn't ever want to go in a 'home' but it's making my dad ill & myself , I am married but I am rarely home I have grandchildren I don't get to see either , the guilt I'm having as I feel mum does now need a care home and I feel this is the time to do it the hospital say my dad cannot carry on caring & needs a care home now too ..... but I still can't do it I'm crying as I'm writing this my mum is/was my best friend and I feel I'm betraying her , she's do to go to an accesment hospital on Monday & I feel sick thinking about it and what they will say & our desicion ... and how do we live with it & get on with living , any help appreciated & I hope this all makes sense
Lynn

You are not betraying your Mum - you are doing the best for her in her current medical situation.

It is a very stressful situation. But you love your Mum & you know in your heart that she needs this help. Very best wishes - I'm going out now but will write again when I come back. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Very best wishes for you, that you get through the next few weeks as best possible and that there's a very good outcome for your Mum and Dad. xx

 

[canary]

Hello Lynn and welcome to Talking Point.

Moving someone into residential care is always a hard decision.
My mum is in a care home. She always said that she didnt want to go into a care home too and tried to make me promise that I would never do it. Fortunately I didnt, so I didnt have the added guilt of breaking a promise that was impossible to keep. What I promised was to do everything I could for mums very best. Actually a care home turned out to be the very best I could have done and mum is settled and content there.

I know that your mum is saying that she doesnt want to go into a care home, but she doesnt understand how ill she has become, nor what it is doing to her husband. Would your mum, pre-dementia, have been happy for your dad to get like this? She also doent understand what moving into a care home will actually mean. You may discover that she will be happy there - its happened to many of us on here - but most people with dementia will resist change, whatever that change is, even if its obviously something they would like. So please dont listen too hard to what she is saying. Its now time to do what she needs rather than trying to enable what she wants.

 

[Marcelle123]

I'm back now & have just reread your post, Lynn.

You love your parents & have done all you could for them. You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself with. It really does look as if care is the best option for them both. How I cope is to ask myself what the alternative would be - in my case, and yours too, it would be risky & unpleasant to leave your Mum at home and there'd be another crisis, for sure. You are definitely acting in your Mum's best interests to consider care.

When I was visiting Mum in hospital, before she went to the care home, I met a couple of social workers who'd had to put their own mother or mother-in-law in care. Both of them said how worried and guilty they'd felt - one said she felt 'like Judas' for weeks afterwards. 2 or 3 years down the line they both - independently - said that it had turned out to be a really good decision, that their parent was contented, and that they didn't need to worry now because they knew she was being well looked after.
I hope it turns out like that for you too.

There are other people to think of here. Your husband - your grandchildren - yourself. It would do nobody any good if you became ill, and your husband and grandchildren will be much happier and healthier too if you can relax & enjoy yourself with them. I know from personal experience how hard it is to set worry aside - that's why I started my thread - but I have now been forced, through illness, to step back from my situation. I am going in to visit Mum this afternoon for the first time in ten days. It would have been much better if I hadn't exhausted myself - I'm thinking I wouldn't have become ill. You must think of yourself, Lynn - you are being sensible in so doing, not selfish.

You have been, and will go on being, an excellent & loving daughter. You are doing everything for the best. It's hard, but...

Very best wishes for you, that you'll get some peace of mind and feel less stressed. Look after yourself, Lynn! xx

 

[mumthewird]

Thank you so much for replying & for the support , have a meeting with social worker tomorrow , xxxx

 

[HillyBilly]

How did your meeting go today? x

 

[mumthewird]

Hi mum goes into a nursing home tomorrow (or today early hours can't sleep) she's medically deamed fit to leave , was recommended this home , visited it , mumwas acced today & excepted ..... social services wanted to keep her in for upto 3 weeks longer as she had no Sworker in hospital so they had to get her one then acces her as to her needs then do financial issues although they already used to pay some fees for carers who went into the home when she was there so have already means tested her , I didn't want to leave her in hospital tho it was a horrid ward & she wasn't getting any care or stimulation in there getting more confused & not eating , so decided to private fund myself & get her out HUGE desicion & hope it's the right one !! Splitting up my mum & dad after 67 years of marriage just breaks my heart ! So praying I've done the right thing , going to take my dad up daily although have been told this is not helpful to my mum , any advice on visiting or more importantly how to leave withought upsetting my mum .... greatly appreciated this is all new to me as you can probably tell , another sleepless night 1.22 am !!!!!
Thanks Lynn xx

 

[Shedrech]

hi mumthewird
I hope your mum settles and gets the benefit of being somewhere safe and where she is looked after
I appreciate how tough this move will be on all of you and that your dad will want to visit - maybe keep the visits quite short and leave just as a meal is being served so that your mum is distracted and occupied - don't make a fuss; either just disappear (maybe don't take your coats in with you so here's no visual reminder that you've come from outside and will go back home) or say you're off to do some errands ... any excuse your mum may accept
do chat with the staff and ask how your mum is when you're not there, as this can be very different from the behaviour you see during a visit - ask them what they think about how often to visit; it may unsettle your mum to see you too often, it may help her settle to know you will go often, it's an individual reaction
maybe consider your dad's energy and health too - it may be too much for him to visit every day, even if he wants to; he may be better to take a break himself
best wishes to you all

 

[mumthewird]

Thank you so much such good advice ...... although today she didn't move again ,, social worker had not been alicated till this morning but she was off today anyway !!!!!
Mums sodium levels were to low so needed more blood tests doing ... so got to wait 2/3 days they said !
My mums saying was always 'This to shall pass' ❤️
Thanks again for the advice really appreciate it xx

 

[mumthewird]

Well it's 3 weeks now that my mum has been in her nursing home, good days & bad good days mum singing along ( with my dad who goes every day) bad days had a chest infection , a Faint & has stopped eating , she doesn't seem to mind the home the carers/nurses are lovely & professional the home it's self is very welcoming to us at any time but just when we make a step forward we take 2 back obviously the chest infection and being on antibiotics hasn't helped , the dr is coming in again to check her over & discuss the 'not eating ' although she will much away on mints , she doesn't like chewing food !!
The biggest problem we have also is my dad he goes every day sitting with her , but is picking at what is going on with her , I also go but find the carers wonderful & mum likes them ( I think here lies the problem) a bit of jealousy with him ( b4 coming in here we went thrw 3 care firms , private carer but dad fell out with them all .... he's now arguing with me n my brother saying mum needs to go home to him which is impossible plus mum says she actually wants to stay at the home anyway !!!
Sorry it's so long & full of different things but any advice on the not eating AND how to manage my dad I would be grateful for
Thank you Lynn [emoji17]


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