My Mum still blames me for her life in the CH

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Jan 30, 2016.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Hi all, even though my Mum has been in her CH for over a year now she still blames me and says I have taken everything from her. She has Alzheimer's and I think that when she sees me, which is 3/4 times a week, that it reminds her of her old life and because I am the familiar face, the disease makes her react this way towards me. She calls me names and she is always anti me - but not anyone else. Do you think she knows what she is saying? Before she went into care the disease made her 'hate' me and it still continues. I sometimes dread going, even another lady with dementia said for her not to speak to me like this today! Also i continue to feel anger that my siblings who did nothing and never saw her (less than once a year, if that, over all the years) will inherit the same share of her estate as me - is there a way i can stop feeling like this? I just feel so upset as my mental health suffered greatly over many many years and my life suffered while they got on with their lives happily leaving me to it. Perhaps i shoudl accept that i made the choice to help/support mum although i felt very trapped by it all. I would be lying if i said it didn't upset me to think they will take so much money from her, even though mum has made her will this way. Thank you, x
  2. Ellaroo

    Ellaroo Registered User

    Nov 16, 2015
    I found with my mum everything s in phases. It does seem at time for ever but am certain it will eventually pass.
    Dont tie yourself in a knot re your siblings , mum is so fortunate to have you as a daughter.
    Is mum ever pleasant towards you? My mum can be so apprecaiative and then later on tell me to po and that i am an a hole .... Im used to it now. My sibling doesnt see mum now she was investigated by social services for financial abuse of mum
    I give mum character names in my head when she behaves in certain ways through dementia eg keith lemon, basil faulty , im manuel, miriah kiery the diva etc.
    It helps me switch off. Ive joined a gym that helped me too.
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    I would reduce the visiting. It's not doing either if you any good by the looks of it. If she is safe and well cared for, then just let it go. Allow yourself a life. You matter too. You've done your best and your Mum is receiving the care she needs. Get referred for counselling, it might help with the anger and the grief.
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    #4 Witzend, Jan 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2016
    I agree absolutely with cutting down the visits. They are clearly very upsetting for you, and if they're just making your mum angry and hostile, they can't be doing her much good, either.
    When my mother was at the blaming-me-for-being-there stage, and visits were stomach-knottingly difficult, I went just once a week.
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I also think you should cut down on your visits. Your mother's temper may well improve if she doesn't see you for a bit. When my mother was being horrible, I would take breaks of a week or two.

    As far as the will goes, you will have the consolation when your mother dies that you were a loving and caring daughter. Your siblings won't have that. Perhaps counselling can help you get over the feelings of anger. I do feel it's important for your peace of mind that you manage to let the anger go.
  6. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    I can only pass on the information I read on here once. If she starts being nasty, just get up and say you are going as you aren't prepared to listen to this every time. Then do just that, get up and go. Don't visit for a few days and see if it improves. Keep with it and she may get the message.

    I understand what you are saying about the siblings, but not much really you can do. The one thing I would say is anger is a very destructive emotion so just accept it as it is and go to a gym or a long walk to release that anger. My brother does nothing apart from puck fault but he's in for an equal split too, if parents don't end up in a home. Now your mothers in a home hope your well being improves as no amount of money can buy your health.
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I think you are right sarah - its a loop and seeing you is triggering it.
    Try going on holiday and not visiting her for a good couple of weeks. That might break the loop.
  8. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    My brother got more than me in the will despite me being the chief (only) care giver and the one who came in for all the blame and complaints. However, I know I can't let that affect me going forward and nor can I let it affect my relationship with my siblings. I didn't and don't want to become a resentful or angry person. Because then I wouldn't be happy.
    So I would counsel that you have to let go of the anger about the unfairness, if only for your own good. --As for the nastiness - when my father was ghastly to me I withdrew for a bit. That was also for my own health as it was so stressful and upsetting. You do need to do the same. *hug*
  9. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Thank you everyone for your feedback. I will definitely take this on board and stop visiting Mum for a week after today. I have to go in today as I'm having a meeting with the CH manager as not overly happy with many changes that have occurred in the CH of late but after that I will take the break. It is almost like I am a domestic abuse victim as the abuse went on for so long with the disease and I keep going back for more.

    Regarding the anger, you are all right in that I need to not allow it to affect my mental health and wellbeing. I am going to try very hard to control this as I'm now in my late 40s and want to live my life calmly and happily (for the first time).
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Hello Sarah, I can completely relate with you as I am in exactly the same position myself. My mum was relatively content in the care home from April to Dec. Now she is in a loop about how I have taken everything away from her, she hates the home, wants to die and its all my fault. I am only thinking of myself and not her.

    I have 2 sisters. One is mentally ill and fed my mums paranoid thoughts and convinced her to cut off all ties with my eldest sister. This has broken my eldest sisters heart. She has not seen mum now for 3 years but asks about her every time I visit. My middle sister only visited my when she wanted money and has seen her twice in that last 12 months.

    I hate every minute of this but feel unable to walk away and leave her alone. I visit 4 times a week but need to reduce it. Her attacks are destroying me. This is a terrible journey we are on and getting hate from the person you are caring for makes it doubly so.

    Keep strong and keep posting. We can be strong for each other. I pray every night that Mum dies soon. This is what she wants and I dont blame her.
    love quilty
  11. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    Sympathies Sarah,

    I have two useless siblings. I work full time and look after my dad full time, when I'm not working my dad has 1.1 companionship/care privately while I'm at work. If I'm feeling tired/exhausted my dad has to pay privately for me to get a break. There are times when he is confused and times he is so lucid I can't believe he is afflicted by this horrific illness. I am ashamed to say that I lost the plot on Friday when I found him putting the kitchen mop in the loo, which was filthy and then wringing it out with his bare hands. I cried and scream and shouted. And he said sorry, and he kept saying sorry and he kept saying that he didn't want to upset me. I of course felt so horrid because I didn't deal with the situation well. I should have walked away and took several deep breaths before sorting it out. I know that if I'm having a hard time with dementia,mother my dad is having a harder time.
    I agree with the advice to walk away, but do go back. I don't know if any of us really know what is going on in theming of a person with dementia. All we can do is be there for them and keep them safe, either at home or in a care home environment.
    As for your mothers estate, until the end comes, that's her money.
    I'm watching my dads estate dwindle, and the subsequent share that my siblings and I would have. It's dads money and I'm spending it on his care I only wish I knew a safe way of making money so I would have some future security.
    Take care. Your not on your own x
  12. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    Hi Sarah,

    Am so sorry you are having such an awful time. It's a dreadful disease. It is so difficult to deal with anger and hard for you. Does the CH know about it?

    I hope this is not wrong of me but I think you need a break from visiting. You will then feel guilty but try your best not to. It is not easy.

    Hugs from Ireland

  13. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Hi, Sarah!

    I'm happy to "see" you but so sad to hear you are still having such a difficult time. I wish I had brilliant advice, but mostly I just have sympathy for you. I am sorry to hear that visiting your mother is still so stressful and difficult.

    Here are my thoughts, for what it's worth:

    Stop visiting your mother for a while, at least a week, but for as long as you can stand. If it helps you, talk to the care home staff/manager about this. I do think it's very likely you are somehow (through no fault of your own!) acting as a trigger for your mother's behaviour. It doesn't do you any good to hear this over and over. It's possible that if you stay away long enough, this behaviour from your mother will change, stop, or modify in some way.

    While you are not visiting, call the CH for updates, to reassure you that she is alive and okay.

    While you may feel guilty or strange or upset not to visit, it is better than being yelled at. You do not have a duty to your mother, that includes sitting there and taking abuse. Your mother is safe and cared for. Repeat this to yourself often, and come back to TP for reinforcements.

    I think that whenever you decide to resume visits, they should not be four times a week. Maybe once a week to start with. Make sure the duration of the visit is shorter as well as the frequency. Consider staying only in a public area, making sure someone is with you, and take breaks if you need to (I go to the toilet a lot when I visit my mother). If she starts up with the abuse, leave. Make sure you plan something nice for yourself afterwards, or at least something distracting.

    I also hope you will consider getting some support for yourself, and I do wonder about a counselor or therapist or someone to talk to, about all this.

    I wish I had good advice about the sibling situation, but just don't, as I'm an only child. Again, I think your best chance of some resolution is to talk to someone like a therapist. Or maybe start with your GP?

    I'm so sad for you and all the others in a similar situation. We are here to support you. Please take care of yourself as best you can right now.
  14. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    Thank you very much Amy for all your thoughts an ideas and lovely to hear from you again. Also thank you to all of you for your input. It is very much valued and I really couldn't get through this without you all. Best wishes x

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