My lovely husband passed away

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Pouli, Mar 17, 2019.

  1. Pouli

    Pouli Registered User

    Feb 9, 2019
    He passed away on Saturday afternoon. I am so happy to say it was peaceful. The doc thought he had had another stroke which left him largely unresponsive and he had nothing to eat or drink since Tuesday night. The end of life meds and paraphernalia were all here ready but in the end they were not needed. He reacted to my voice, to the voices of my daughters and my granddaughter. And not long after, he just stopped breathing. I think in the context of this horrible disease this counts as a good death.

    I am now bereft. There is no shape to my days any more, I can do what I want when I want, and I am paralysed. I feel relief for him. He has had much suffering in recent years, not all due to dementia. He was tired of it all and there was enough left of the man I love for me to know that. But I am filled with anger against the destructiveness of this disease, and the indignities it forces on its sufferers. And guilt is kicking in, for the times when I lost my patience even though I knew it was not his fault and he couldn't help it.

    Tomorrow I start the paperwork and should start pulling myself together. In the meantime, he has just stepped out for a minute so I shall carry on talking to him.
  2. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dear husband.Wishing you strength and peace in the weeks and months ahead
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Bless you @Pouli. I lost my dad just before Christmas. His too was a good death. The death he’d hoped for. I am still all at sea. It must be worse for you.

    There’s no desperate hurry for the paperwork. Take your time.

    My condolences
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Im sorry for your loss, but, yes, I would count that as a "good" death
    Be gentle with yourself
  5. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    So terribly sad for you. I visit my husband as you have, and we want so desperately to see the person we love. But we rarely get very much comfort from it, other than knowing we have been there, held their hand and hopefully been a comfort to them. I dread the end for my husband but at the same time welcome it. I want him to be at peace. Your husband is now at peace and you must be grateful for his sake. I am forever beating myself up for the times when I wasn't very patient. But we are human and no one can be 100% an angel. I send you love and hope you will soon find peace. And yes, this disease is so cruel. To watch someone leave us so slowly and not be able to help at all, in itself is cruel. Bless you and I send my love.x
  6. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    So sorry for your loss pouli ((((,hugs)))
  7. Moose1966

    Moose1966 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2017
    Such a sad time for you , take time to remember the good days and don’t feel any guilt , this disease is so cruel to all . ❤️
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I`m so sorry @Pouli

    Of course you are . How could it be any different.
  9. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    So sorry to hear your news but glad for both of you that the end was peaceful. It’s what we all wish for for our OHs when the time comes. No need for guilt. You were there for him when he needed you and now hard as it’s going to be you are going to have to try and just remember the good times before this horrible disease came along. Don’t rush to do things take time to say goodbye and keep talking to him. I speak to my OH photo all the time when I am at home and not visiting him in the care home. In the photo he is as he used to be and how I like to think of him. Sending you hugs.
  10. charlie10

    charlie10 Registered User

    Dec 20, 2018
    so sorry for your loss @Pouli .....not only have you lost someone you love, but you've also lost the reason that shaped your life for a number of wonder you feel in limbo! Be your own best friend and be kind to yourself x
  11. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    I am so sorry to hear your sad news but I am glad that the ending was peaceful. . Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you strength at such a difficult time.
  12. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Sad to read this but please don't be hard on yourself. To survive as a carer with your love for your husband still intact counts as a success.
  13. jenniferjean

    jenniferjean Registered User

    Apr 2, 2016
    Basingstoke, Hampshire
    I'm glad your husband's passing was peaceful.
    Sending ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
  14. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I’m so sorry to read of your loss. Please keep posting here. I’m sure the support you’ll receive here will help you as the days go by.

    Wishing you strength.
  15. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    So sorry to hear this @Pouli, look after yourself and treat yourself gently now. Your husband sounds like a lovely man.
  16. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    So sorry for your loss Pouli. I’ve just lost my dad on Wednesday and I’m just keeping busy going through the motions of organising everything that needs to be done. My dad’s death was sudden and a shock but I know it was quick and he is now at peace and this dreadful disease can no longer steal anymore of him.

    My thoughts are with you. Elle x
  17. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    So sorry for you loss, take care.xx
  18. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    So sorry for your loss. May you find a small comfort in the knowledge that he passed peacefully.
  19. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    I am so sorry to hear of your deep loss, I hope you will find some comfort in the peaceful end.
    Take time, it is always such a shock.
    With love, Alice
  20. Pouli

    Pouli Registered User

    Feb 9, 2019
    And mine with you, Elle.

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