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My husband has dementia

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
8
73
Watford
I have been reading all the messages which made me cry. My husband has dementia and has been in respite for nearly four weeks now as he kept on falling over and I was exhausted with looking after him as he has a number of illnesses including colitis which makes him incontinent and I feel I can’t look after him anymore. I cry all the time as I have got to make the decision for him to stay there full time or come home and things returning to how they were before . We have been married nearly 55 years and never been apart. Very hard decision to make !!!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,662
Kent
It is a very hard decision to make @Bezzy1946. I know because it was a decision I had to make too.

My husband was falling too because he was losing his mobility and we were getting paramedics out almost nightly to help pick him up.

If it helps, once the decision was made and my husband settled down well he thrived in his care home. He regained weight he had lost and was much more contented.

My health improved. I slept well regained my energy and I was able to visit him every other day.

We celebrated our golden wedding in the care home and they made us a really lovely party.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,048
68
Dundee
I‘m sorry things are so hard for you @Bezzy1946 but can understand how emotional this must be for you.

Grannie’G’s experience Must be comforting for you. Wishing you strength for the times to come.
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
237
South East Coast.
I have been reading all the messages which made me cry. My husband has dementia and has been in respite for nearly four weeks now as he kept on falling over and I was exhausted with looking after him as he has a number of illnesses including colitis which makes him incontinent and I feel I can’t look after him anymore. I cry all the time as I have got to make the decision for him to stay there full time or come home and things returning to how they were before . We have been married nearly 55 years and never been apart. Very hard decision to make !!!
I really feel for you bezzie 1946 I'm just going down that same path, my hubby is in respite and I'm starting the very difficult process of him staying there.. He has major mobility problems and can hardly get about at all. now amongst other awful symptoms that vascular dementia throws at us. It's the most painful and heart wrenching decision. we will. have to make in our life bezzie. But I really know he would be free of all the pressures at home and from the carers we have coming in which he hates and he doesn't like going to day centre, He will. Be safe and settled where he is now. But I'm hoping he agrees to all this. Stay strong Bezzie and KNOW that you are doing what's best for your husband. We've been married 58 yrs this year so yes it's a tragic decision to have to make.
 

Stayingalive

Registered User
Nov 24, 2019
23
I have been reading all the messages which made me cry. My husband has dementia and has been in respite for nearly four weeks now as he kept on falling over and I was exhausted with looking after him as he has a number of illnesses including colitis which makes him incontinent and I feel I can’t look after him anymore. I cry all the time as I have got to make the decision for him to stay there full time or come home and things returning to how they were before . We have been married nearly 55 years and never been apart. Very hard decision to make !!!
My husband went into care a week and a half ago, admitted by a mental health emergency team as he wasn't safe at home. We've been together for 51 years and married for 44 years, and I am feeling bereaved. I've never lived alone before. A pair of his shoes left in the hall reduced me to tears. The worst thing is that he is with it about half the time, and has no understanding of why he's in the home. He thinks he's done something wrong and will be allowed home eventually. I feel like a traitor allowing him to be put there, but why is he there? Because he wakes every hour through the night, tries to leave the house to 'go to London', recently took my car and drove down the M1 despite having no licence and no insurance, and went out one night recently, when I had fallen into an exhausted sleep, in his vest pants and socks and came back plastered with mud and covered in scratches.
I can't look after him and 24 hour care isn't practical, especially as they need to prevent him from leaving the house alone.
I feel terribly lonely, and when I see him at the home he looks so sad and so withdrawn that I want to pick him up and bring him home, but I can't carry on and keep him safe on my own.
My children say that I need to think of my own health and my own needs, so I'm doing the best I can to be brave. I've arranged quite a lot of things to do that take me out of the house - sitting in the house either moping or watching TV is bad. I've started the project of downsizing, which means I need to do some serious decluttering and that's very good therapy. I make sure I have something to look forward to every week, and especially every weekend. I go and see my husband every other day, but I don't dwell on the situation, and when I go out with friends I force myself NOT to talk about the situation and to ask people about what's happening in their lives instead.
My husband's mother, age 97, is in care with advanced dementia. He's gone into care age 73, and I despair at the thought that he might be there for 24 years or even longer. However there's no point in thinking along those lines. His Alzheimer's has come on so fast that I've been warned that he may not have long term life prospects. Having seen my mother-in-law deteriorate until she's a skeleton who doesn't recognise anyone and frequently has extremely sore heels from lying in bed for too long, I hope they're right.
You can't go back. You clearly can't cope with all your husband's needs safely, he could well improve in a care home with the right support, and you can still see him, still take him out from time to time and maintain a loving relationship, but your life has to take a different turn now. Focus on the positive.
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
8
73
Watford
My husband went into care a week and a half ago, admitted by a mental health emergency team as he wasn't safe at home. We've been together for 51 years and married for 44 years, and I am feeling bereaved. I've never lived alone before. A pair of his shoes left in the hall reduced me to tears. The worst thing is that he is with it about half the time, and has no understanding of why he's in the home. He thinks he's done something wrong and will be allowed home eventually. I feel like a traitor allowing him to be put there, but why is he there? Because he wakes every hour through the night, tries to leave the house to 'go to London', recently took my car and drove down the M1 despite having no licence and no insurance, and went out one night recently, when I had fallen into an exhausted sleep, in his vest pants and socks and came back plastered with mud and covered in scratches.
I can't look after him and 24 hour care isn't practical, especially as they need to prevent him from leaving the house alone.
I feel terribly lonely, and when I see him at the home he looks so sad and so withdrawn that I want to pick him up and bring him home, but I can't carry on and keep him safe on my own.
My children say that I need to think of my own health and my own needs, so I'm doing the best I can to be brave. I've arranged quite a lot of things to do that take me out of the house - sitting in the house either moping or watching TV is bad. I've started the project of downsizing, which means I need to do some serious decluttering and that's very good therapy. I make sure I have something to look forward to every week, and especially every weekend. I go and see my husband every other day, but I don't dwell on the situation, and when I go out with friends I force myself NOT to talk about the situation and to ask people about what's happening in their lives instead.
My husband's mother, age 97, is in care with advanced dementia. He's gone into care age 73, and I despair at the thought that he might be there for 24 years or even longer. However there's no point in thinking along those lines. His Alzheimer's has come on so fast that I've been warned that he may not have long term life prospects. Having seen my mother-in-law deteriorate until she's a skeleton who doesn't recognise anyone and frequently has extremely sore heels from lying in bed for too long, I hope they're right.
You can't go back. You clearly can't cope with all your husband's needs safely, he could well improve in a care home with the right support, and you can still see him, still take him out from time to time and maintain a loving relationship, but your life has to take a different turn now. Focus on the positive.

Just an update my husband has gone into residential care very hard making that decision. He seems to have settled in well and made friends with some of the residents. The staff are really nice and cheerful all the time and laugh and joke with them. I still miss him especially at bedtime doesn’t seem right going to bed without him but I will have to get use to it and being on my own.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
3,848
south-east London
Yes, it is a very hard decision to make @Bezzy1946, but the right one.

Having said that, I can only imagine the sense of separation you must be feeling. I hope it eases the situation to some degree in knowing that your husband has settled well into what sounds to be a lovely, cheerful and friendly environment.

Having such an excellent team on side to take away the stress of day to day caring, I hope you will now be able enjoy your visits as husband and wife, and regain some lovely quality time together.
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
8
73
Watford
Yes, it is a very hard decision to make @Bezzy1946, but the right one.

Having said that, I can only imagine the sense of separation you must be feeling. I hope it eases the situation to some degree in knowing that your husband has settled well into what sounds to be a lovely, cheerful and friendly environment.

Having such an excellent team on side to take away the stress of day to day caring, I hope you will now be able enjoy your visits as husband and wife, and regain some lovely quality time together.
Thank you for your kind words I am sitting in bed crying at the moment - bedtime is the worse time for me but I am glad that even though I miss him he is not missing me I wouldn’t want him to be unhappy !!