My husband went into care a week and a half ago, admitted by a mental health emergency team as he wasn't safe at home. We've been together for 51 years and married for 44 years, and I am feeling bereaved. I've never lived alone before. A pair of his shoes left in the hall reduced me to tears. The worst thing is that he is with it about half the time, and has no understanding of why he's in the home. He thinks he's done something wrong and will be allowed home eventually. I feel like a traitor allowing him to be put there, but why is he there? Because he wakes every hour through the night, tries to leave the house to 'go to London', recently took my car and drove down the M1 despite having no licence and no insurance, and went out one night recently, when I had fallen into an exhausted sleep, in his vest pants and socks and came back plastered with mud and covered in scratches.
I can't look after him and 24 hour care isn't practical, especially as they need to prevent him from leaving the house alone.
I feel terribly lonely, and when I see him at the home he looks so sad and so withdrawn that I want to pick him up and bring him home, but I can't carry on and keep him safe on my own.
My children say that I need to think of my own health and my own needs, so I'm doing the best I can to be brave. I've arranged quite a lot of things to do that take me out of the house - sitting in the house either moping or watching TV is bad. I've started the project of downsizing, which means I need to do some serious decluttering and that's very good therapy. I make sure I have something to look forward to every week, and especially every weekend. I go and see my husband every other day, but I don't dwell on the situation, and when I go out with friends I force myself NOT to talk about the situation and to ask people about what's happening in their lives instead.
My husband's mother, age 97, is in care with advanced dementia. He's gone into care age 73, and I despair at the thought that he might be there for 24 years or even longer. However there's no point in thinking along those lines. His Alzheimer's has come on so fast that I've been warned that he may not have long term life prospects. Having seen my mother-in-law deteriorate until she's a skeleton who doesn't recognise anyone and frequently has extremely sore heels from lying in bed for too long, I hope they're right.
You can't go back. You clearly can't cope with all your husband's needs safely, he could well improve in a care home with the right support, and you can still see him, still take him out from time to time and maintain a loving relationship, but your life has to take a different turn now. Focus on the positive.