My father passed away saturday

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by AFF, Jun 19, 2006.

  1. AFF

    AFF Registered User

    Jan 14, 2005
    16
    UK
    #1 AFF, Jun 19, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2006
    Hi all, ji ust want to say that my dad passed away on saturday afternoon and to thank you all for your support over the period of his illness.

    if i may just write something as i haven't written much over the months. hopefully it will help someone. my father is also my grandfather, my grandparents adopted me when i was born so you can see how much he means to me.

    just over two weeks ago he was looking very ill and i had a two week holiday booked. only one flight back a week. i had to made a decision to go or not. my famly said just go and it played so much on my mind. but i went. all that time i turned my phone off, i didn't want to know if something happened as i couldn't get back.

    the day before i left i made it clear to my dad i would be back in two weeks. i really did try and make to clear even though it seemed it wasn't going in.

    when i returned my family said he was ok (as can be). this was last monday. as i live a way away i pencilled in this saturday for my visit. i've never been very good at the visits, his daughters are much better. i just go there and feel hopeless. but i make myself go, even though it's emotionally difficult.

    as saturday drew closer i had a sense. saturday came and i told my g/f i'm going up on my own as i think it will be serious today (don't know why). an hour later my auntie rang me to say the home told her to get there asap. so i immediately left. strange eh.

    when i got there he looked bad, breathing rheavy rattling, staring into space. i kept telling him i was there and trying to get into his vision. then a tear came down his eye, so emotional (can hardly write this bit).

    his other daughter was making a three hour journey after being told that morning too. she was caught in traffic. she was the last of his three kids to get there.

    she arrived at 14.55, bursting through the door. we told him she's made it, she did the same as me and held his hand and again, a tear rolled down his eye. amazing. emotional.

    at 15.15 he died. we were all there and i was holding his hand. i didn't let it go for another hour! he managed to hang on though for all us three to get there.

    i always thought this would be difficult but he seemed at peace. i hope so. his favourites were with him when he died. when the undertakers came another tear rolled out of his eye. i just don't know what to make of it all. he was dead yet a tear rolled out as we eventually left him for the final time.

    i went to see my mum after (his wife) who is housebound with hip problems. she said when she heard the time of his death she realised she was holding one of his jumpers which she had just washed on her lap watching tv. she doesn't even do alot of washing.

    that night i had a dream, his face bright as anything, young, then turning and running faster than a human possibly can, then dispersing into the universe. i mentioned it the next day and found out he was a champion runner in his youth.

    i also have his police badge now. can you believe, we had to choose an undertaker there and then and out of three the ones that came took him to their base at police station road. lovely. i kept his cap and a picture of his plane he flew from the war too.

    anyway, thank you for lstening. i thought i felt ok (i really did) until i went through the posts on here and started a bit of crying. so i thought i'd post too.

    i don't know when his funeral is yet but i'm trying to organise a piper as he was scottish. now i think it will be an emotional day, strange, you think you're ok, then as unexpected this morning, i felt emotional. maybe because i'm on my own at home as g/f gone to work. i actually thought i should be at work but it seems i made the right choice.

    peace for everyone here and trust that in the end, no matter what you see with dementia, the person inside is still inside, to the very end. they know you're finding it hard and they know however you deal with the difficulties associated, they will understand and love you from deep within, a place which will always be there after they're gone and you will always find.

    Aff
     
  2. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Aff hello,

    So sorry your father died.. That is so sad but it was wonderful that you had a sort of premonition and were there - holding his hand. Clearly the two of you had a very special relationship and together, with the daughters, were able to be there for him when he finally went - that is lovely.

    It is a difficult time with all the arrangements to make for the final farewell - Police station road sounds perfect - and you with his police badge and the picture of the plane...

    I will think of you


    Michael
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Aff,
    So sorry. I think that you have done the right thing being at home, give yourself space and time to grieve. We are here for you.
    Love Helen
     
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Aff, so sorry about your news, but how lovely of you to be able to share that thought at this time.

    Look after yourself and 'keep that thought'.

    With love, Karen, x
     
  5. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Aff,
    What a blessing that you can find so much comfort in the way the events of the last few days developed. Nothing can break your special bond, and you know that your Dad is at peace now. - Thinking of you and sending best wishes.
     
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Aff, so sorry. At least you were with him. Take care of yourself.
     
  7. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    426
    Warwickshire
    I am sorry to hear about your father and I understand your sorrow as my dad passed away a few weeks ago.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Hugs.

    M
    x
     
  8. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    1,881
    Nr Mold
    So very sorry, sending you a hug.

    Linda x
     
  9. kazlou

    kazlou Registered User

    Feb 3, 2006
    75
    Surrey
    So sorry, hold on to all those wonderful memories they will help you through.
     
  10. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi AFF, I'm sorry your father/grandfather has died, but you haven't "lost" him so long as those great memories of him remain so vivid.
    It certainly sounds as if he packed a lot of living into his time here!

    God bless
     
  11. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    513
    Shropshire
    Hello Aff

    thank you so much for sharing such an emotional experience with us here. I have really struggled to read through it as my eyes kept filling at every sentence. So much of you story I can relate to when my Dad passed on and even the dream as well. I recall I was fretting that I would forget his face and then about a month after we lost Dad I had the most vivid dream I have ever experienced when Dad came into my room and I led him by the hand to see Mum saying "look whos here - heres come to tell us hes ok". I still clearly recall the feel of his hands - those lovely soft wrinkles. Since then nothing but now 3 and a half years later I have now started to see him in "ordinary" dreams - not with him as a focus but he is just there - normal if you can understand what I mean. I think he is reminding me that he is still with us just as your Grandfather/Dad is.

    Stay strong
    Love
    Kriss x
     
  12. Tinylou

    Tinylou Registered User

    heartfelt emotions

    Hi AFF.
    Your post moved me so much, i sat at the pc and cried. I just wanted to say how much i admire your decision to go on holiday, it must have been so difficult for you. I send my deepest sympathy to you, and hope that i will be as strong as you have been.
    In my thought.. Tina
     
  13. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Aff
    i was really moved by your post....it must have been very hard for you to put into words.
    I am so very sorry
    Love and hugs
    Wendy
    x
     
  14. AFF

    AFF Registered User

    Jan 14, 2005
    16
    UK
    hi all,

    may i offer you my extreme thanks for all of your kind words.

    To update, the funeral was on Monday and i managed to keep completely strong and composed for the whole day. We had scottish piper and everything that he'd love for his service.

    it's odd, i felt slightly guilty at not being able to grieve with everyone but in the end, i've spilled loads of tears over the years and the last day of his life was so peaceful, it just seemed a relief.

    so he's always in my thoughts and that's not very far away. if i need to have a conversation with him now it is much easier than when he was alive with AD. it appears something good came out of his passing away, the ability to communicate with him properly again. strange....

    aff
     
  15. jeannette

    jeannette Registered User

    Feb 27, 2006
    55
    Thank you

    Dear Aff,

    Just another thank you to add to the many, for sharing your feelings and experience so honestly and articulately. I, too, was very moved - and I must tell you that after a particularly difficult day (it's now after two in the morning), reading your last post has given me a great feeling of peace.

    My deep sympathies, and all very best wishes to you.

    Jeannette
     
  16. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    181
    leicestershire
    Oh Aff,

    Your post brought me to tears.

    He waited for you to enjoy your holiday and until all his loved ones were with him. I believe this to be true and I hope one day you will take comfort from it. The other stuff as well (dream etc) I know it is controversial, but there's a message there for you too...he's not suffering anymore and he wanted you to know. I'm sorry if that offends you, but it is what I believe.
    I hope you find the piper

    Much hugs

    Jarnee
    XXXXXXXXXXXX
     
  17. Maggie

    Maggie Registered User

    Oct 11, 2003
    72
    Female
    Gibraltar/England london Now
    Aff

    Sorry to hear about your father .


    My father died 4 years ago and those emotion still turn up out of the blue , like the sea waves & now and then he pop in to my dreams .

    my mum has a dream book that says if you dream of someone that has died & in your dream you think them to be alive its a Message from god and should be listen to . MY dream well my dad was helping me clean the house so it must be a message to be more organised tidy up the house as I have been slacking in that area of my life

    Also itt says if you dream of a love one and your no there pass away it means that they love you

    I don’t know if all the above is true, but it helps. Hope you don’t mind me sharing .

    all the best
     
  18. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I only dreamed she was angry with me for not being there, I couldn't be there as no-one told us, but of course she was no longer able to understand that. I am afraid she died thinking we'd abandoned her in that horrible place.

    Lila
     
  19. Maggie

    Maggie Registered User

    Oct 11, 2003
    72
    Female
    Gibraltar/England london Now
    #19 Maggie, Jul 10, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2006
    Lila13

    It says that to dream of talking with a dead person is a good auspicious dream and signifiers a boldness of courage and a very clear conscience.


    I am afraid she died thinking we'd abandoned her in that horrible place.

    You can not possibility know what your mother was thinking if we our being realistic, so as you keep thinking this that your mother was angry with you it’s going in to you’re subconscious mind. then played out in your your dream that your mother angry with you .

    My father new I had done a first add with St John ambulance course for a week , he wanted me to show mum how to give him a Cardiopulmonary resuscitation , just in case he had another heart attack & he did that killed him.

    For years I carried the guilt thinking that he died thinking if only Margaret was hear , if only she had shown Isabel (mum ) how to do resuscitation .

    The nightmares I had that dad was angry with me for not showing mum went on for a long while .
     

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