Hi all, ji ust want to say that my dad passed away on saturday afternoon and to thank you all for your support over the period of his illness.
if i may just write something as i haven't written much over the months. hopefully it will help someone. my father is also my grandfather, my grandparents adopted me when i was born so you can see how much he means to me.
just over two weeks ago he was looking very ill and i had a two week holiday booked. only one flight back a week. i had to made a decision to go or not. my famly said just go and it played so much on my mind. but i went. all that time i turned my phone off, i didn't want to know if something happened as i couldn't get back.
the day before i left i made it clear to my dad i would be back in two weeks. i really did try and make to clear even though it seemed it wasn't going in.
when i returned my family said he was ok (as can be). this was last monday. as i live a way away i pencilled in this saturday for my visit. i've never been very good at the visits, his daughters are much better. i just go there and feel hopeless. but i make myself go, even though it's emotionally difficult.
as saturday drew closer i had a sense. saturday came and i told my g/f i'm going up on my own as i think it will be serious today (don't know why). an hour later my auntie rang me to say the home told her to get there asap. so i immediately left. strange eh.
when i got there he looked bad, breathing rheavy rattling, staring into space. i kept telling him i was there and trying to get into his vision. then a tear came down his eye, so emotional (can hardly write this bit).
his other daughter was making a three hour journey after being told that morning too. she was caught in traffic. she was the last of his three kids to get there.
she arrived at 14.55, bursting through the door. we told him she's made it, she did the same as me and held his hand and again, a tear rolled down his eye. amazing. emotional.
at 15.15 he died. we were all there and i was holding his hand. i didn't let it go for another hour! he managed to hang on though for all us three to get there.
i always thought this would be difficult but he seemed at peace. i hope so. his favourites were with him when he died. when the undertakers came another tear rolled out of his eye. i just don't know what to make of it all. he was dead yet a tear rolled out as we eventually left him for the final time.
i went to see my mum after (his wife) who is housebound with hip problems. she said when she heard the time of his death she realised she was holding one of his jumpers which she had just washed on her lap watching tv. she doesn't even do alot of washing.
that night i had a dream, his face bright as anything, young, then turning and running faster than a human possibly can, then dispersing into the universe. i mentioned it the next day and found out he was a champion runner in his youth.
i also have his police badge now. can you believe, we had to choose an undertaker there and then and out of three the ones that came took him to their base at police station road. lovely. i kept his cap and a picture of his plane he flew from the war too.
anyway, thank you for lstening. i thought i felt ok (i really did) until i went through the posts on here and started a bit of crying. so i thought i'd post too.
i don't know when his funeral is yet but i'm trying to organise a piper as he was scottish. now i think it will be an emotional day, strange, you think you're ok, then as unexpected this morning, i felt emotional. maybe because i'm on my own at home as g/f gone to work. i actually thought i should be at work but it seems i made the right choice.
peace for everyone here and trust that in the end, no matter what you see with dementia, the person inside is still inside, to the very end. they know you're finding it hard and they know however you deal with the difficulties associated, they will understand and love you from deep within, a place which will always be there after they're gone and you will always find.
Aff
if i may just write something as i haven't written much over the months. hopefully it will help someone. my father is also my grandfather, my grandparents adopted me when i was born so you can see how much he means to me.
just over two weeks ago he was looking very ill and i had a two week holiday booked. only one flight back a week. i had to made a decision to go or not. my famly said just go and it played so much on my mind. but i went. all that time i turned my phone off, i didn't want to know if something happened as i couldn't get back.
the day before i left i made it clear to my dad i would be back in two weeks. i really did try and make to clear even though it seemed it wasn't going in.
when i returned my family said he was ok (as can be). this was last monday. as i live a way away i pencilled in this saturday for my visit. i've never been very good at the visits, his daughters are much better. i just go there and feel hopeless. but i make myself go, even though it's emotionally difficult.
as saturday drew closer i had a sense. saturday came and i told my g/f i'm going up on my own as i think it will be serious today (don't know why). an hour later my auntie rang me to say the home told her to get there asap. so i immediately left. strange eh.
when i got there he looked bad, breathing rheavy rattling, staring into space. i kept telling him i was there and trying to get into his vision. then a tear came down his eye, so emotional (can hardly write this bit).
his other daughter was making a three hour journey after being told that morning too. she was caught in traffic. she was the last of his three kids to get there.
she arrived at 14.55, bursting through the door. we told him she's made it, she did the same as me and held his hand and again, a tear rolled down his eye. amazing. emotional.
at 15.15 he died. we were all there and i was holding his hand. i didn't let it go for another hour! he managed to hang on though for all us three to get there.
i always thought this would be difficult but he seemed at peace. i hope so. his favourites were with him when he died. when the undertakers came another tear rolled out of his eye. i just don't know what to make of it all. he was dead yet a tear rolled out as we eventually left him for the final time.
i went to see my mum after (his wife) who is housebound with hip problems. she said when she heard the time of his death she realised she was holding one of his jumpers which she had just washed on her lap watching tv. she doesn't even do alot of washing.
that night i had a dream, his face bright as anything, young, then turning and running faster than a human possibly can, then dispersing into the universe. i mentioned it the next day and found out he was a champion runner in his youth.
i also have his police badge now. can you believe, we had to choose an undertaker there and then and out of three the ones that came took him to their base at police station road. lovely. i kept his cap and a picture of his plane he flew from the war too.
anyway, thank you for lstening. i thought i felt ok (i really did) until i went through the posts on here and started a bit of crying. so i thought i'd post too.
i don't know when his funeral is yet but i'm trying to organise a piper as he was scottish. now i think it will be an emotional day, strange, you think you're ok, then as unexpected this morning, i felt emotional. maybe because i'm on my own at home as g/f gone to work. i actually thought i should be at work but it seems i made the right choice.
peace for everyone here and trust that in the end, no matter what you see with dementia, the person inside is still inside, to the very end. they know you're finding it hard and they know however you deal with the difficulties associated, they will understand and love you from deep within, a place which will always be there after they're gone and you will always find.
Aff
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