Hello I am new to the forum. My Father has middle stage dementia and my mother has been caring for him. He had been used to looking after her as she has a serious lung condition . I live 90 miles from them and have been trying to support them with this and a raft of other health conditions for a number of years My father never accepted his dementia and as recently as a year ago he was discharging himself from hospital without care or support in place and refusing entry to social services or allowing my Mother to speak to carers I was at the time dealing with social services on their behalf only with utmost secrecy, terrified of my Fathers reaction. Private conversations with her have been impossible as she always puts the phone on speaker when I phone or follows her around the house when I visit. He has deteriorated rapidly more recently and in spite of morning care visits eventually being agreed to, was sectioned in September. as my Mother was scared of him Although social services advised my Mother very strongly that she couldn't cope she only agreed to a short respite in a home after he left hospital He went back home and after only a few weeks my Mum became seriously ill with a lung infection and was hospitalised . Social services informed me that my Dad had been returned to the care home against his wishes as there was no alternative, my Mother had wanted him to stay in hospital with her . When she got out of hospital two weeks later she had him home the next day.Two days later she was readmitted to hospital and she is still there I had the most horrible decision to make as Social Services would not get involved this time (Mum and Dad are self funding) and the hospital asked for my permission to have him readmitted to the home against his will. My Dad is now at the stage where he doesn't always recognise me and he needs 24 hour supervision When my Mum is stressed she phones demanding impossible solutions which is really hard as it makes me feel so dreadful It breaks my heart so see them separated and apparently they have made a pact to never put each other in a home I have had years now of the long journeys, now around once a week , trying to get them to accept or take support and all I am told is that my situation is about as bad as it gets. I also work, have a family and a son with autism and a about at the end of my tether. My Mother is still in hospital and they face Christmas apart however if it is bad for me it is far worse for them I have no other family and they have no network of friends Is anyone else in a similar position or further down the line from me ?
My Father has middle stage dementia, Mother cant cope.
- Thread starter tallyhosupernova
- Start date
What a nightmare for you all @tallyhosupernova. I’m glad you’ve found TP as you’ll get lots of support here.
Sadly, sometimes we have to go against our loved ones wishes to ensure they are safe.
Sadly, sometimes we have to go against our loved ones wishes to ensure they are safe.
Sadly this is a promise many cannot keep @tallyhosupernova for no one can foresee what the future will bring.
However painful your mother has no option. Perhaps you can comfort her by trying to assure her nothing is set in stone and if things change your parents may be together again.
Our son found it very difficult when my husband was in residential care and he had to visit us separately but he knew there was no alternative .
There comes a time when you have to do what's best for them both. Whether or not they agree.
It is clear neither of your parents are in a position to look after each other, or indeed themselves.
You are not in a position to take on day to day care.
The best care you can give is now to take charge.
Father goes into care at a place that can handle him. Under DOL's for his own safety.
Mother stays in hospital for as long as required. Discharged to a Nursing home.
It might be possible for them both to be in the same Home. (Different sections, but able to meet up as required.)
This won't be easy for you, but as the arrangements fall into place, it will become simpler.
Bod
It is clear neither of your parents are in a position to look after each other, or indeed themselves.
You are not in a position to take on day to day care.
The best care you can give is now to take charge.
Father goes into care at a place that can handle him. Under DOL's for his own safety.
Mother stays in hospital for as long as required. Discharged to a Nursing home.
It might be possible for them both to be in the same Home. (Different sections, but able to meet up as required.)
This won't be easy for you, but as the arrangements fall into place, it will become simpler.
Bod
Thank you I am going to suggest to my Mum that they think about moving to a facility closer to me which has both residential and dementia care. However she will likely refuse and as she has capacity and also power of attorney for my Dad forcing the issue would be really difficult Social services also say that they can only advise - even on those occasions when they will get involved at all I ca'n get anywhere as I am bounced back and forth between Medical and social. When I say they refuse, the last episode when my Mum went into hospital involved them both angry and hysterical on the ward to the extent that the nurse told me she had to step away from the situation as they were too upset for her to continue any discussion with them. I have had 3 way conversations with her doctor and also attended my Dads review with her when he was sectioned - all with no agreement from her to consider any future involving a nursing home, which has resulted in my Dad's emergency admittance to a home temporarily on now three occasions Sadly I feel the upheaval is making him worse, and I desperately need a mentor to help my Mum arrive at the right decision, but this is proving really difficult
Hello @tallyhosupernova, welcome to the forum.
I wonder if it would be possible for the GP or memory clinic to arrange a visit by a CPN. I have found that the CPN assigned to my wife is a very nice and persuasive person to whom my wife will listen.
Our CPN isn’t effective at getting anything done but is a good talker so maybe be this could be the type of person who could be the mentor you mention
I wonder if it would be possible for the GP or memory clinic to arrange a visit by a CPN. I have found that the CPN assigned to my wife is a very nice and persuasive person to whom my wife will listen.
Our CPN isn’t effective at getting anything done but is a good talker so maybe be this could be the type of person who could be the mentor you mention
I have a feeling that SS will not allow this to go on indefinitely
I believe that they have the power to intervene (even if your mum has POA), but it will probably take a while.
I believe that they have the power to intervene (even if your mum has POA), but it will probably take a while.
You could investigate hiring an independent social worker. They charge but I have heard good things. kindred.
hi @tallyhosupernova
a warm welcome from me too
such a tough situation for you and your family - members here know that you are doing your very best for your parents, and that, sadly, people in their circumstances can be their own worst enemy, not able to see the bigger picture because they can only focus on what, understandably, worries them the most
it really is now that your father's needs transcend any of your parents' wants, and unfortunately he needs much more care than your mother and carers at home can provide
let the Social Worker know that you understand that the Local Authority have 'the duty of care' for all adults, especially the 'vulnerable adults' and this describes your father due to the effects of his dementia and your mother due to her health - tell them you believe your father will be 'at risk of harm' if he is discharged back to his own home, as evidenced by his hospital admissions - make it clear that you do not believe he is safe at home, and that probably your mother is not, definitely together neither are safe, and you will hold the LA responsible for any harm or injury or neglect to either of them
push for a 'best interest meeting' before any discussion of discharge - this will mean that your dad is fully assessed and action taken in his best interests
the phrases in '...' are key phrases that should gain the SW's attention
a warm welcome from me too
such a tough situation for you and your family - members here know that you are doing your very best for your parents, and that, sadly, people in their circumstances can be their own worst enemy, not able to see the bigger picture because they can only focus on what, understandably, worries them the most
it really is now that your father's needs transcend any of your parents' wants, and unfortunately he needs much more care than your mother and carers at home can provide
let the Social Worker know that you understand that the Local Authority have 'the duty of care' for all adults, especially the 'vulnerable adults' and this describes your father due to the effects of his dementia and your mother due to her health - tell them you believe your father will be 'at risk of harm' if he is discharged back to his own home, as evidenced by his hospital admissions - make it clear that you do not believe he is safe at home, and that probably your mother is not, definitely together neither are safe, and you will hold the LA responsible for any harm or injury or neglect to either of them
push for a 'best interest meeting' before any discussion of discharge - this will mean that your dad is fully assessed and action taken in his best interests
the phrases in '...' are key phrases that should gain the SW's attention
Hi @tallyhosupernova
Welcome to TP at least you will realise your situation is not unique and at best you will take on board the sound advice offered by other members. We are all in the same boat or at least a similar one and there are no easy answers.. I have to say TP has been of tremendous benefit to me. I have found you have to keep pushing, badgering, insisting etc to get the help you need. Sounds awful but develop a "brass neck" and push for what you believe is right not what parents or so called professionals tell you.
Good luck and find time for yourself at Christmas
Welcome to TP at least you will realise your situation is not unique and at best you will take on board the sound advice offered by other members. We are all in the same boat or at least a similar one and there are no easy answers.. I have to say TP has been of tremendous benefit to me. I have found you have to keep pushing, badgering, insisting etc to get the help you need. Sounds awful but develop a "brass neck" and push for what you believe is right not what parents or so called professionals tell you.
Good luck and find time for yourself at Christmas
