1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    22
    east riding
    hi im a 28 yrs old femalemy dad had a hip operation 7 yrs ago
    a week after he came home he suffered a stroke which he spent quite a few months in hospital
    we was then told he had alzheimers im not quiet sure what stage he is in now
    but he wanders away from home doesnt know where he lives has become very abussive verbally
    his mobility isnt good he cant do hardly anything for him self he as no feeling in his left arm
    or cant do anything with his arm it has been very frustrating for him has he was such a active man before all of this
    he says things which can be hurtful at times but i know this isnt my dad talking
    well now it has got to the point last week where he would not take his tablets or eat his tea on time
    he would leave it for over a hour he told me mum she doesnt care or do any thing for him
    which i know is not my dad talking he slept downstairs on the floor for 4 nights last week
    because he couldnt get up and my mum couldnt help him either has she as had a operation on her hand
    so i have been helping out which i will any time he is me dad
    but he came to a turning point on thursday my mum has been getting depressed with it all
    he was on the floor on thursday morning his career was told by the ppl they work for that they wasnt allowed to get him up
    and to just leave which then my mum rang social services who my dad is under and basically at first they said
    they would have to re acces him in a few wks my mum then got a phone call back
    saying they would put my dad in to emergency repite to be able to sort things out with a meeting
    i felt awful leaving my dad there for some reason this time seemed different
    on the saturday we was told when we rung up to see how my dad was that he was very unsettled and destressed
    and been very verbal abbussive they had to call a gp out to give him medication to help settle him
    we was told not to ring has they could hear how upsetting it was for us and they would ring us today
    well they didnt so my mum rung social services which they have now said they can not give any more care help at home
    so they will be putting my dad in to permenant care but we dont know when or where yet
    so you can imagine it has torn us apart we still cant go and see my dad yet and they have not said when we will be able
    to go i feel like my world has been turned up side down
    i feel like ive lied to my dad has we told him it wouldnt be for long now he isnt coming back home at all
    i knew this time would come one day but not yet i cant control my tears since thursday
    i know i have got to accept my dad isnt coming home and yes i know i can visit him and take him out for days
    if i am allowed but its not the same and i feel ive cheated my dad i know in time i will come to accept it
    but my concerns are more for my dad what will he think of us as a family for what we have done because in his own way
    he will know they is something different in his life will he accept it in time and will he forgive us in his own way
    for what has happened i know i havent lost my dad but why does it feel like this and
    why do i feel my life is all upside down
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #2 Margarita, Jul 9, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2007
    Hope you don't mind I broke it down a bit , as I can not read it xx




     
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Gosh I can't not believe that they won't let you see your father , are you sure they not saying just till they settle him in ?
     
  4. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    22
    east riding
    yes sorry it is till they settle him him my head is all over not thinking straight but we dont know how long this will be fore
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I can so understand that as it all must be such a shock for you .

    I do hope in the near future when thing settle down for all of you , your mother & yourself can go visit you father .

    It's like a living grief xx
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kirst

    Welcome to TP. I'm sorry you're so distressed. It must have been a terrible shock for you and your mum when your dad was taken into care.

    But he's really in the best place, isn't he? It sounds as if it was too much for your mum to cope with. Once the people we care for start falling, and many of them do, it can be impossible for one person to care for them.

    I'm sure the home will tell you as soon as your dad has settled enough for you to visit, and you'll be able to enjoy visiting him and taking him out without having to worry about his care.

    Don't worry about lying to your dad, you couldn't help it. I'm sure you and your mum would have kept him at home if it ahd been possible, but it wasn't, was it?

    I do hope you get to see him soon. Let us know.

    Love,
     
  7. sue k

    sue k Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    140
    warrington cheshire
    Dear kirst

    Ive just read your post with tears pouring down my face , you know why ?
    Because i could have written the exact same thing
    my dad is in a care home now , its ok, but for me i feel it will never be good enough for my dad , and i do have guilt about him being there , even though know realisticaly he cant be cared for at home. I visit him most days and every time i leave him i break down, but i have to accept he is in the right place ............ not sure i ever will
    keep strong and keep posting , it does help
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Kirst,
    One of the very hardest parts of this disease (IMHO) is that we lie or fib to our loved ones, or they THINK we've lied to them or cheated them. This is the nature of the disease - the old rules do not apply any longer, sadly.

    Of course you are heartbroken about what has come to pass, but in your heart you will know that it HAS to happen - for your Dad's sake and for your Mum's sake and your's as well.

    I think the last sentence of your quote above is something to hang on to.

    Thinking of you and sending you best wishes for strength and courage at this very difficult time.
     
  9. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    the hardest thing of all

    hi kirst i am new to this aswell.the situation you are in is one i am terrified will happen to my dad.I feel for you and your mum,its like we don't think this happens to anyone else. we see ourselves and don't wish this on anyone.I work in the care setting and see people deteriorate rapidly.You can understand how i feel at this time i am sure.We are in the process of dad getting diagnosed but the worry is horrendous.Don't mean anything by this but where i work if residents have a problem settling we ask the family to come in.It's a familiar face for them and 9/10 helps them settle.I appreciate homes work differently but if they get dad settled and then you and fmily walk in this may start him off again.Only advising sweetheart as i can see this scenario coming up with my dad.god bless and take care of you and mum.xelaine
     
  10. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    Empty Nest Syndrome

    Hi Kirst

    My heart goes out out to you. When Dad went first into respite care and more recently into an assessment centre we were advised not to visit for the first few days to help him settle.

    It's so easy for someone to say that when the reality is so, so difficult & we really had to "sit on our hands" during the first couple of days as we were so used to looking after Dad 24/7 - there was real void in our lives. Ironic though is sounds when talking about a parent I went through a sort of "empty nest syndrome".

    The respite home were brilliant - when he became unsettled on his first night there - they rang me & asked me to speak with him - while the staff member "stood by" in case he became very emotional at the sound of my voice. I was able to speak to him & reassure him that he was in the right place and that we knew where he was & reassure him that the Doctor had arranged his & it was "only for a few days" . It was like divine intervention - I slept so much better for having heard his voice & hopefully he felt the same. I wept buckets after I came off the phone - but hope I was able to "settle him" It's do difficult to "keep strong" & to let go - but we have to trust these people with those we love & trust their judgement of the situation of what is best for our loved ones at that time.

    Thinking of you & take care

    Gill x
     
  11. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    22
    east riding
    i got a phone call to say my dad was been moved today to another home which can cope better for his needs they asked me to pick him and take him which i said i would be was dreading what he would be like to wards me when i picked him up he was so pleased to see me he asked where my mum was i said she wasnt well still and was at home but would come very soon to see him me and my husband took him to the new home they where very pleasant and seemed alot more caring then the other home he looked abit out of it as he has been put on some more medication i stayed with him for a while got his things unpacked he said he was coming home with me i told him i would be back in a few days which i am going and my mum is going to when i left him he wasnt to bad i was so pleased to beable to see him at last my mum said she felt like she was putting on me but i said no thats what im here for because if my mum had gone my dad may have become very upset i have rung them later this evening and he seems to have settled quite well there on his first night they said he as had alittle wander around and spoke to them and he was tucked up fast asleep in bed which made me feel alot better in my self knowing he wasnt has distressed like he was in the other home
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,719
    Kent
    That`s such good news Kirst, both you and your mother must feel so relieved. Thanks for a lovely update.

    Love xx
     
  13. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    Tucked up & fast asleep

    Hello again Kirst

    "Tucked up & fast asleep" is wonderful news for his first night there & you must be so relieved to have had that report tonight.

    Keep strong, keep caring for those you love & look after yourself

    Thinking of you

    Gill x
     
  14. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    better care for dad

    Hi Kirst,so glad your dad has settled. this happens quite often.Someone is put into the care setting that are unable to meet their care needs.Fortunatley for dad this has been picked up on quickly,he was obviously misplaced and i am so glad that this has happened so fast as sometimes people just start to settle and they are moved on.so wrong.such an unsettling time again for them.hope your mum gets well soon and you both now feel at ease knowing dad is in the right place now.take care.Love elaine
     
  15. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    22
    east riding
    first vist for my mum

    i took my mum to vist my dad today she has not seen him since he went in last thursday over a week when we got there he was in the lounge when he saw me mum his face lite up and he said to one of the careers thats my wife then he started to cry we went to his room we took him some photos he cried again he was very emotional today very teary we stayed about 2 hrs the time just flew by but it was lovly for us all to be together when we left we said see you soon he was ok but then said to my mum where was she going so she just told him to the doctors and he seemed ok with that as he still doesnt know hes not coming home will he accept this in time
     
  16. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Kirst,
    So glad you had a nice visit with your Dad.

    As for your question, it is very hard to answer. If you think of it as "accepting" as you or I would accept something (that is, logically and rationally), the answer is probably "no". That is because he can no longer think rationally or logically.

    He may always want to "go home" but it will not necessarily mean that he wantes to return to the home he and your Mum live in - his mind might associate "home" with somewhere he lived in much earlier in his life.

    Will he accept that your Mum is not staying with him full time? This is very hard to know. It sounds like your Mum dealt with it very well by saying she was "going to the doctors". As your Dad accepted this, it may be that she (and perhaps you) will need to have an "excuse" for leaving each time. This can be SO hard to do because it feels like lying to them, but in reality you are protecting them from unnecessary confusion.

    The best thing you can do (IMHO!) is to visit regularly; try to give him something to look forward to (any special treats, surprises, etc. you think he'll enjoy) and keep on doing what you know has to be done. It isn't easy. It isn't easy for any of us. But it has to be done.

    Take comfort in the knowledge that he seems to have settled in this new place, and as Norman would say, take it "day by day".
     
  17. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello, my mum was placed into care 9 weeks ago, it sure has been very unsettling for her and understandably so.The last two weeks has been very promising and mum is even happy and in the routine of things(I'm touching wood). I never told mum that she is staying permanently and probably won't either.The past week she has only asked once if I was there to take her home,I replied, not today... and that was it, end of question. I know it is a very sad time for you and mum just play each day by ear, there will be hard days, but these will get less as time goes by. I hope that dad settles quickly and that you all are happy once again. Take Care. Taffy.
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,719
    Kent
    Dear Kirst, you and your mum are doing so well. My heart goes out to you. xx
     
  19. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    22
    east riding
    update

    my mum went again to see my dad yesterday she took him a tv what she had bought him my brother went to they said my dad was settling in i rang on my mums phone and spoke to him he was ok up to the point where i said i would come and see him this week and did he want to see the grandchildren which he said yes then he started to cry bless i have had a phone call today from social services to say they are going to go asses my dad on friday for the permenant care and asked if i would like to be there which i am going but looks like we may have to leave him in the home he is in now because he is top of the list for the one nr my mums which is only four miles from me but bout 5 mins walk for my mum but they have said that could take up to six months and i dont want him to be moved again really until the one nr has room we have been told though we will have to pay 15 pounds a week top up my parents have no savings so i have asked my mum if she puts in 20 pound a month and both me and my brother do the same so she doesnt have to pay it all her self as she will have to go on jsa to look for work if her hands get better she is having another op on her right one next week
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,719
    Kent
    Thanks for the update Kirst. Things aren`t ideal, but at least they are being sorted out.

    I hope it`s not too painful for you and your mum to visit and your dad will be happy to see his grandchildren.

    Please continue with the updates.

    Love xx
     

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