My dad and a care home

[Spitty]

My mum normally looks after my dad who has Alzheimer's,her health deteriorated since January when myself and my family started staying day and night with my dad whilst mum was in and out of hospital.He cannot be left as he cannot cook safely ,gets up 3 or 4 times every night ,wants to go looking for his mum and dad ,the usual things .Last week my mum passed away ,and now the dilemma is what is best for dad .Everyone next week are going back to work ,and I know I can't do this myself as for the last 3 years I've been there every day to help mum with dad ,and it's taken it's toll .I know families do this for a number of years .Dad doesn't settle at anyone's house at all and I feel the only option is a care home .We looked into 24 hour care at home ,but was told it would not be fair for someone with Alzheimer's.,as it would be different carers everyday .Dad doesn't realise mum has died ,he keeps asking when a sympathy card comes whose died!.At the moment we are trying not to mention her ,!When is a good time to think about a home ? Grateful for any opinions or help

 

[Beate]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

A good time usually is when you're asking the question.
You've already identified that dad can't live on his own and that neither of you can provide 24/7 care for him. Don't feel guilty, it's in his best interest to be in a place where he can be looked after properly - and that's not a criticism of you, but naturally a care home has more staff and more resources to give.

 

[marionq]

Start looking right now at possible care homes. Have you had an assessment from social services? will he be self funding or part funding? These are all the questions you need to be asking as well as ensuring you have Power of Attorney for both finance and health and welfare and that these are registered immediately.

 

[canary]

Yes, start looking now at care homes and when you have found one that you like get his name down on the waiting list (most of them have one). In the meantime get onto Social Services for an assessment. SS will probably want to try carers coming in - go for it. It wont help in the long run, but I think they have to tick their boxes to say that it has been tried and failed and it will help while his name is coming up on the waiting list.

Never, never feel guilty about a care home. I wasnt in a position to look after mum either, but she had 2 good years in a care home and then one more year of health decline, but I knew that she was being looked after. You will not be abandoning your dad - there will still be things to do, but you get time for you and your family too (which is important)

 

[Delphie]

To be honest, when someone is very confused and unsettled a care home is often the right place for them. The slow pace, the routines, trained staff who get to have breaks and to go home, all that kind of thing is probably best for him right now, and certainly no worse than being at home with carers coming and going and family, already stretched, picking up the slack when needed (and there will always be something to deal with, even if you put in 24/7 care at home).

So as others have said, have a look around now and see what you find as far as residential care. My advice is to visit as many care homes as you can manage because there are all sorts out there. As it happens, the very first one I saw was the right one for my mum but had I started in a different order I would have been horrified because a couple of the homes really were quite poor. So have faith that a place that's right for your dad is out there. Having him there won't take away all your worries or the emotional impact of yet another 'loss' in your life, but once he settles things should become a little easier for you.

 

[Dad's daughter]

I think you have done a brilliant job so far, spending so much time already looking after your dad and being there for your mum every day. It sounds like all this has taken it's toll on you anyway. If carers won't give you 24/7 do you have an option? My mum is currently looking after my dad with dementia and it's getting harder and harder. At Christmas, my dad started going into a local care home one day a week - he and mum have got to know the staff and the staff have got to know dad. We did have the luxury that he understood that he was going to give mum a break. His dementia has now got significantly worse so we have now increased the days along with the odd night. If it was just my sister and I to look after my dad, I know that, what with work and our own families, my dad would be in a care home full time; with us being regular visitors. We have managed a week when my mum needed a break but that was hard work being on our own with dad. If he stayed at home, it would remain our worry as to whether the carer had turned up, getting the home adapted. When my dad was much better than he is now, I picked him up one morning to take him to the care home. Whilst I was driving, I told my dad how bad I felt that I was taking him into care when all I was doing was meeting a friend for a swim. He told me that I was to enjoy my swim, not to feel bad - he had had his time to do that. It sounds like you have a close family and your dad would probably think the same too whatever you decide to do. Good luck and so very sorry about your mum. Such a sad and terrible situation to be in

 

[Sara Gregson]

Unfortunately as these things always do it comes down to finances. If your dad has sufficient funds he can pay for his own care, but still good to contact social services for advice. Yes they will try and keep him independent in his own home. But is that a bad thing? what would your father want to do if he could make the decision? You mention some risks to him which can be reduced, contact the fire service to do an assessment, e they can cap off electricals, fit smoke alarms, heat sensors etc. My dad wanders during the day and night, we tried him at a local day centre, he can't tell me but he seems to really enjoy it. It reduced him wandering at night a little but not enough, we still ask the carers to lock the door when they leave. On the days he doesn't go to daycare we take it in turns and have a befriender through age uk to sit with dad for a few hours. He still wanders out during the day but we have a gps system so can track where he's going. Luckily he wanders certain area and finds his way back home most of the time. If not I go get him or ask the carers to if they are due to visit him (they go in four times a day). It's not easily and it's stressful making sure he is safe but got as much independence as possible. Its worrying to figure out when he isn't safe anymore when he can't find his way back or can't navigate traffic. Then there might be other things we can put in place, more day centre or maybe it might be time. Just wanted to share a bit of my life to let you know there are solutions that work, it is still stressful but I know dad is happier then he would be in a home. He still knows his own home.