Hi I am new to this forum and I truly hope that I can find some help here. My brother died of a massive heart attack on Tuesday October 21, 2014. He was only 56. I am from Maryland and my brother still lived there. I live in New Hampshire and moved my father to an assisted living facility in New Hampshire in October 2012 because he had had several "mini-strokes" and a big stroke leaving him with vascular dementia. My daughter and I will be traveling (by car) on Sunday (October 26th) to Maryland for my brothers funeral on Monday morning. It is appx. a 10-11 hour drive each way. We will be leaving directly following the funeral to return to New Hampshire. This is 20-22 hours in the car in a day and a half. I told my Dad of my brothers passing. He was upset at first but then seemed more concerned with what he should wear to the funeral. I spoke with his Dr. She said she didn't feel as though that much traveling in such a short period was a good idea at all. . .and especially to attend his sons funeral. I tried to talk to him and explain the consequences of him doing that much traveling etc and he got very upset with me and mad at me. This upset me greatly. He yelled and said he would do what he wanted to do and that he didn't care if anything happened to him. I wanted to tell him that he was all I have left and I didn't want anything to happen to him but he put his hand up, closed his eyes and stopped listening. Please help me. I already feel as though I am dying inside having lost my brother in this way. What should I do? Any information, advice or anything would be so much appreciated. God bless. . .
My brother passed away unexpectedly and my father has dementia
- Thread starter kathyh77
- Start date
Hello Kathy and welcome to Talking Point I am very sorry to hear about your brother, my brother was 56 as well when he had a stroke and died I know how devastated you must feel, I am sorry i can't advise you about your dad, I think I would feel the same as you but have no idea what you can do, Will he forget about it or is his memory not too bad, would he take notice if the doctor told him not to go ? or could you stop somewhere overnight then come home the next day,I hope someone will be along soon who can help ,
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Thank you for responding so quickly. I took him for his 6 month check up this past Monday. Although his blood pressure etc was fairly good she said that does see a progression in his dementia. I spoke with her on Tuesday and she did advise him not to attend. When I told him he got very upset with me, yelling etc. It was quite upsetting. Other than my kids my Dad is all I have left and the Dr said this could definitely cause his dementia to progress at a much faster rate. Also because he is on so much medication (including blood thinners) he is at a high risk of clotting due to sitting in the car for that long. I just feel so lost and have no idea what to do. I do not want to put my Dad in harms way.
Since your father is in a care facility now, he won't be able to go to the funeral on his own, will he? I think you should simply drop the subject completely till Sunday and go to the funeral without him. The doctor has brought up valid reasons why he can't go. Your trying to reason with him and explain why he can't go will fail.
If he remembers anyway, discuss it with the doctor and ask if you can say doctor's orders say he can't go to the funeral. That's what I would do. It takes the blame away from you (not that there is blame to be laid - I'm saying that from your father's perspective, which is skewed by his disease).
If he remembers anyway, discuss it with the doctor and ask if you can say doctor's orders say he can't go to the funeral. That's what I would do. It takes the blame away from you (not that there is blame to be laid - I'm saying that from your father's perspective, which is skewed by his disease).
Hi Kathy and welcome from me too.
I'm sorry to hear about your brother - I'm sure you must be devastated.
I think the thing which would sway me is that putting your dad in a car for so many hours would put him at risk, and for that reason you can't take your dad to the funeral. Could you tell your dad that the funeral has been postponed, or that due to the distance you've decided not to go either but to organise a private memorial service at a later date more local to you? Would he notice if you weren't around on Moday?
I'm sorry to hear about your brother - I'm sure you must be devastated.
I think the thing which would sway me is that putting your dad in a car for so many hours would put him at risk, and for that reason you can't take your dad to the funeral. Could you tell your dad that the funeral has been postponed, or that due to the distance you've decided not to go either but to organise a private memorial service at a later date more local to you? Would he notice if you weren't around on Moday?
