My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia 18 months ago. She lives alone (dad died a few years ago). Our mother was physically and emotionally abusive to us when we were children but we chose to remain in a relationship with her. Now with her demetia she has begun to behave in an increasingly manipulative and aggressive manner, refusing to deal with the reality of her diagnosis and difficulties, but also putting us under increasing pressure to have her to stay more often (what she really wants is to come and live with one of us, which is not going to be possible for all kinds of reasons). I find myself getting very upset and full of rage at her, partly I suspect because I haven't really forgiven her for the past abuse. Now she tells lies because of the dementia: in the past she lied because she didn't want to accept responsibility for her behaviour. I get so confused about to what extent I can hold her responsible for her behaviour now and I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry for her. She has already hit my sister and I'm really worried that I'm not going to be able to handle it if she assaults me. If I'm honest I just want her out of my life, but I can't run away from this anymore than she can and I'm dreading how much worse this could all get. It just leaves me feeling so desperate. How do other people cope with caring for someone they really don't like, let alone love?
My anger towards mum with dementia
- Thread starter 687
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Hello and welcome 687
It's hard. My mum is in a care home near me and I have taken responsibility for visiting her (most days) and making sure she is properly looked after. I never had a good relationship with her and to be honest if she wasn't my mum I wouldn't choose to spend time with her.
I don't have any answers, the way I deal with it is
a) to remind myself that I'm responsible for my behaviour, not hers - I can't do anything about how she acts, but I can make sure that I do what I think I should - I don't want to look back when this is all over and feel ashamed of myself
b) to try to seperate who she was as my mother when I was growing up, from who she is now - a sad old lady with dementia. I can feel compassion for her without actually feeling much affection.
c) to decide what I can and cannot do and stick to it - she would like to live with me and I couldn't and wouldn't attempt that.
Sorry not to have any help to offer you, didn't want to read and run
It's hard. My mum is in a care home near me and I have taken responsibility for visiting her (most days) and making sure she is properly looked after. I never had a good relationship with her and to be honest if she wasn't my mum I wouldn't choose to spend time with her.
I don't have any answers, the way I deal with it is
a) to remind myself that I'm responsible for my behaviour, not hers - I can't do anything about how she acts, but I can make sure that I do what I think I should - I don't want to look back when this is all over and feel ashamed of myself
b) to try to seperate who she was as my mother when I was growing up, from who she is now - a sad old lady with dementia. I can feel compassion for her without actually feeling much affection.
c) to decide what I can and cannot do and stick to it - she would like to live with me and I couldn't and wouldn't attempt that.
Sorry not to have any help to offer you, didn't want to read and run
Hi 687, reading your post I can understand feelings you are going through. My childhood memories certainly bring resentment to the fore at times. Particularly when I have had a upsetting visit to see my mum who is in a nursing home. I grew up with two siblings and the first one made my growing up pretty miserable. My parents chose to ignore his narcisstic behaviour turning a blind eye rather than dealing with it. My mum, I would say also had characteristics leaning toward being narcistic but did feel she loved us. She was loud, quick tempered and I was forced to do all the housework and look after my sister who was 8 years younger than me. I have many resentments towards my dysfunctional upbringing but now have let go. Yes they happened and I cannot change that but I can try and forgive and be free. My answer to my brother is that I have wiped him totally out of my life and also my sister. I visit my mum when I feel I want to even though it is very distressing to see her there. I used this resentment to not feel guilty about being the dutiful daughter visiting her everyday and know that if my mum was in my position she would probably not visit very often at all. I remember when I was very ill when my children were young and she told me that if I could not look after them she would put them in care! Never forgotten it but will not allow that to make me feel bitter. As my mum got older I think she realised how she treated me and maybe felt a bit ashamed. I certainly know that she felt I was the better of the three and that was enough. My mum had a awful childhood so maybe was unable to break the chain. Thank goodness I managed to and moved on. I hope you find a way of dealing with your feelings and more importantly protect yourself from further pain. Do what you do for the right reasons other than resentment as this only fills you with guilt.
Dear 687,
I think Moonflower put it very well:
b) to try to seperate who she was as my mother when I was growing up, from who she is now - a sad old lady with dementia. I can feel compassion for her without actually feeling much affection.
That's what I try to do. I even repeat it, silently, in my head, when I'm with her and starting to feel upset/agitated: 'Poor old lady who's mentally ill.' It helps to separate the decades of frustration and resentment, and to remind me that it's an illness, and not something Mum can help in any way. Not at all easy, I know.
I've found it immensely helpful to share my feelings on Talking Point, and have received great advice. Hope you do too x
I think Moonflower put it very well:
b) to try to seperate who she was as my mother when I was growing up, from who she is now - a sad old lady with dementia. I can feel compassion for her without actually feeling much affection.
That's what I try to do. I even repeat it, silently, in my head, when I'm with her and starting to feel upset/agitated: 'Poor old lady who's mentally ill.' It helps to separate the decades of frustration and resentment, and to remind me that it's an illness, and not something Mum can help in any way. Not at all easy, I know.
I've found it immensely helpful to share my feelings on Talking Point, and have received great advice. Hope you do too x
Hello 687, I, too, try to separate the mum that was & the mum that is. My mum is in a care home ( there was never any possibility of her living with me, and of course I feel sad for the situation she's in.
I find as her condition worsens it gets easier for me to let go of the past. That has to benefit us all I'd say.
Take care
Lin x
I find as her condition worsens it gets easier for me to let go of the past. That has to benefit us all I'd say.
Take care
Lin x
First I think there are the facts.
You might be related but that does not mean you need to love them or even like them.
You might be related but you have no legal obligation to care for them or even arrange care for them.
She no longer has any power over you for the reasons stated above.
You, out of the generosity of your own heart have CHOSEN to stick around and do what you can do to help.
The extent of this help is on your terms. You can choose to walk away at any time and the law backs you up on this.
So, what have you chosen to do? That's the next but.
Get a pencil and paper and make two columns. One, the things you are prepared to do and two, what you are not prepared to do. Compare notes with other family members and stick with the boundaries you have set.
Take the column that lists what you are not prepared to do. Remember you have the absolute right not to do these things. I think as a minimum though that you should make the powers that be eg Social Services or her GP so that they can make arrangements to cover those areas that you and the rest of the family cannot. Then step back and let the system kick in.
None of this has to be done in a dispassionate way. It is right that your limits are acknowledged.
Turning to the behaviour issues. What you are experiencing is normal dementia behaviour. The behaviour is borne out of confusion and fear and is accepted generally that if someone is so far down the road that they are looking to come live with you etc, then the dementia has probably developed beyond the point where the person could be consistently manipulative in the way her behaviour is being interpreted. In fact what you are probably dealing with is a scared old lady who has forgotten the ills of the past and is in fact desperate for someone to help her find a way to cope with all the fears and challenges that dementia can bring. It could be that she is approaching the stage where she is not able or is uncomfortable living on her own.
That having been said, NO-ONE is required to put up with abuse or violence. If she has displayed this behaviour then you must all have a plan in how to deal with it. First thing is, make sure you have your mobile phone on you at all times. Next do not engage with them and leave the room immediately you see signs of agitation. If in the house then move to a room with a lock on the door then call out for help. Leave the house and sit in the car then call for help. People can look frail but can have super human strength when agitated so do not take any risks wait your help. Do not rule out calling the police. They have direct access to GPs and SWs and hospitals etc and can be very understanding in the circumstances. Sometimes their involvement means you can jump the queue to get mum the help she needs. If not the police then there is a duty social worker on hand 24/7. Look up the phone nr and stick it in your phone.
Finally there is Talking Point. We'll support you and share experiences with you so you're not walking this path on your own. We don't mine people ranting on here if it helps you deal with things.
Edited to add this thread that gives some good tips on communicating with some one with dementia. Might be helpful if you share it with your siblings too.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Take Care,
Fiona
You might be related but that does not mean you need to love them or even like them.
You might be related but you have no legal obligation to care for them or even arrange care for them.
She no longer has any power over you for the reasons stated above.
You, out of the generosity of your own heart have CHOSEN to stick around and do what you can do to help.
The extent of this help is on your terms. You can choose to walk away at any time and the law backs you up on this.
So, what have you chosen to do? That's the next but.
Get a pencil and paper and make two columns. One, the things you are prepared to do and two, what you are not prepared to do. Compare notes with other family members and stick with the boundaries you have set.
Take the column that lists what you are not prepared to do. Remember you have the absolute right not to do these things. I think as a minimum though that you should make the powers that be eg Social Services or her GP so that they can make arrangements to cover those areas that you and the rest of the family cannot. Then step back and let the system kick in.
None of this has to be done in a dispassionate way. It is right that your limits are acknowledged.
Turning to the behaviour issues. What you are experiencing is normal dementia behaviour. The behaviour is borne out of confusion and fear and is accepted generally that if someone is so far down the road that they are looking to come live with you etc, then the dementia has probably developed beyond the point where the person could be consistently manipulative in the way her behaviour is being interpreted. In fact what you are probably dealing with is a scared old lady who has forgotten the ills of the past and is in fact desperate for someone to help her find a way to cope with all the fears and challenges that dementia can bring. It could be that she is approaching the stage where she is not able or is uncomfortable living on her own.
That having been said, NO-ONE is required to put up with abuse or violence. If she has displayed this behaviour then you must all have a plan in how to deal with it. First thing is, make sure you have your mobile phone on you at all times. Next do not engage with them and leave the room immediately you see signs of agitation. If in the house then move to a room with a lock on the door then call out for help. Leave the house and sit in the car then call for help. People can look frail but can have super human strength when agitated so do not take any risks wait your help. Do not rule out calling the police. They have direct access to GPs and SWs and hospitals etc and can be very understanding in the circumstances. Sometimes their involvement means you can jump the queue to get mum the help she needs. If not the police then there is a duty social worker on hand 24/7. Look up the phone nr and stick it in your phone.
Finally there is Talking Point. We'll support you and share experiences with you so you're not walking this path on your own. We don't mine people ranting on here if it helps you deal with things.
Edited to add this thread that gives some good tips on communicating with some one with dementia. Might be helpful if you share it with your siblings too.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Take Care,
Fiona
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I can understand your feelings, I actually had some counselling from Carers UK to help me come to terms with letting go of the stuff of the past and concentrating on what my mother is like now - if you can search on my threads from 2009 you will see a big difference in my outlook towards my mum.
In my case it was easier because she has become a more pleasant person as the dementia developed. I started by telling myself I was doing it for my dad's benefit, not for hers, and now I do it because I want to ensure that she doesn't suffer. And she is my mother. Even though she wouldn't have done the same for any of us.
I think other people's advice on this thread is very good (especially regarding potential aggression). Make clear the boundaries of your involvement. You do not have to have any involvement at all. Don't feel guilty about what you cannot or do not wish to do as you do not have to justify it to anyone.
It's hard to cope.
I was sexually abused as a child. My mum was aware of this and even witnessed some of the 'thin end of the wedge' abusive behaviour (groping, inappropriate language). When I went to her for help she said oh you know what he's like. Yes indeed, I knew exactly.
Alzheimer's turned her from, what's the right word, I'm not sure I even know, let's try disinterested, to aggressive and verbally abusive towards me. If this was someone else's story I'd be telling them that they should've walked away.
But I couldn't. I'm an only child and there are no friends or other family so if I'd walked away there would've been no one looking out for her, and she's my mum.
Some things have helped. She was a wonderful grandmother to my sons when they were younger. I loved her for that. Also, through talking to her consultant I heard someone say out loud that she probably had mental health issues throughout her life (something I long suspected, almost hoped for!). Hearing that doesn't cure my demons but when I feel emotionally generous I focus on the fact that she had hers. Sometimes I pat myself on the back and congratulate myself on being the better person. She didn't protect me when I needed it but I can protect her. Sounds childish and like scoring points, but I'm being honest. And how I feel about it all does change and depends on how she is towards me, how tired I am etc.
None of this is helping, so let me get to something resembling a point. By far the most effective coping mechanisms for me were clear lines in the sand. I stopped putting up with abusive behaviour, for example, and even if I'd just sat in traffic to get to her after a rough day at work, to bring her something I knew she would need or whatever, the minute she started on me I'd walk out. I don't need to be an emotional punchbag for anyone, whatever's behind the behaviour. I don't care if it's the dementia talking. I really don't.
I was also clear with everyone involved about what I was prepared to do to practically support her 'independent' living. In fact I did more than I should've in retrospect, because my business suffered massively from the time I took out to help her (without her noticing, otherwise cue more abuse) and the energy it all took from me.
When the time came to decide her future I looked at lots of care homes and chose a lovely one. It's expensive but it's her money. She's doing very well there and we now have the best relationship we've ever had. She's medicated and looked after and is a sweet old lady who is often pleased to see me these days (it took a while for her to settle though!). Her eyes light up at the treats I bring her and we usually manage to pass a bit of time chatting about whatever her poor brain is cooking up that day. She confabulates constantly but I join in as best as I can and we chat about the balls she hosted or the trips she's taken, if only in her mind.
It's a stage and long may it last.
It's hardly ideal but I've given up on ideals. It's a good outcome. She's safe and looked after, I don't feel too guilty, and I'm planning to have counselling once she's gone. I'd like it to be sooner but the status quo is too peaceful to disturb right now. I can wait a bit longer.
Not sure if any of that helps but you're in my thoughts. Look after yourself.
I was sexually abused as a child. My mum was aware of this and even witnessed some of the 'thin end of the wedge' abusive behaviour (groping, inappropriate language). When I went to her for help she said oh you know what he's like. Yes indeed, I knew exactly.
Alzheimer's turned her from, what's the right word, I'm not sure I even know, let's try disinterested, to aggressive and verbally abusive towards me. If this was someone else's story I'd be telling them that they should've walked away.
But I couldn't. I'm an only child and there are no friends or other family so if I'd walked away there would've been no one looking out for her, and she's my mum.
Some things have helped. She was a wonderful grandmother to my sons when they were younger. I loved her for that. Also, through talking to her consultant I heard someone say out loud that she probably had mental health issues throughout her life (something I long suspected, almost hoped for!). Hearing that doesn't cure my demons but when I feel emotionally generous I focus on the fact that she had hers. Sometimes I pat myself on the back and congratulate myself on being the better person. She didn't protect me when I needed it but I can protect her. Sounds childish and like scoring points, but I'm being honest. And how I feel about it all does change and depends on how she is towards me, how tired I am etc.
None of this is helping, so let me get to something resembling a point. By far the most effective coping mechanisms for me were clear lines in the sand. I stopped putting up with abusive behaviour, for example, and even if I'd just sat in traffic to get to her after a rough day at work, to bring her something I knew she would need or whatever, the minute she started on me I'd walk out. I don't need to be an emotional punchbag for anyone, whatever's behind the behaviour. I don't care if it's the dementia talking. I really don't.
I was also clear with everyone involved about what I was prepared to do to practically support her 'independent' living. In fact I did more than I should've in retrospect, because my business suffered massively from the time I took out to help her (without her noticing, otherwise cue more abuse) and the energy it all took from me.
When the time came to decide her future I looked at lots of care homes and chose a lovely one. It's expensive but it's her money. She's doing very well there and we now have the best relationship we've ever had. She's medicated and looked after and is a sweet old lady who is often pleased to see me these days (it took a while for her to settle though!). Her eyes light up at the treats I bring her and we usually manage to pass a bit of time chatting about whatever her poor brain is cooking up that day. She confabulates constantly but I join in as best as I can and we chat about the balls she hosted or the trips she's taken, if only in her mind.
It's a stage and long may it last.
It's hardly ideal but I've given up on ideals. It's a good outcome. She's safe and looked after, I don't feel too guilty, and I'm planning to have counselling once she's gone. I'd like it to be sooner but the status quo is too peaceful to disturb right now. I can wait a bit longer.
Not sure if any of that helps but you're in my thoughts. Look after yourself.
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I'm with Fifimo on speaking to Soc Svs. As I understand it, no adult is legally responsible for another . No matter that we are talking about your mother here - you are still not responsible.
If you leave the situation for too long, the stress and anger may make you begin to feel ill. Self preservation is the thing, the most important thing is to look after you.
Sadly some mothers are expert at manipulating their children, and even with dementia this can go on. Please decide where your boundaries are (and what you are prepared to do), and stick to them.
Let us know how you get on?
If you leave the situation for too long, the stress and anger may make you begin to feel ill. Self preservation is the thing, the most important thing is to look after you.
Sadly some mothers are expert at manipulating their children, and even with dementia this can go on. Please decide where your boundaries are (and what you are prepared to do), and stick to them.
Let us know how you get on?
Thank You!
I've just read all the responses to my original post and they made me cry. I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write a response, I really appreciate the kindness and practical suggestions in your posts. I was a bit afraid of writing my real feelings toward my mum because I wasn't sure what response I'd get, but you have all been so supportive! It has been such a relief simply to 'get it all out' so to speak and I can now see the real value of this forum. So thank you once again
I've just read all the responses to my original post and they made me cry. I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write a response, I really appreciate the kindness and practical suggestions in your posts. I was a bit afraid of writing my real feelings toward my mum because I wasn't sure what response I'd get, but you have all been so supportive! It has been such a relief simply to 'get it all out' so to speak and I can now see the real value of this forum. So thank you once again
Delphie you have my respect, my admiration and my very best wishes. You are the bigger person. I have seen at close hand a couple of examples of people 'caring' for mothers who did not 'care ' for them. It must be so difficult. You seem to have found a workable situation. But don't forget you and your worth. You deserve peace and recognition of the difficulties others caused you. Please accept my support over the airwaves.
You will never be judged or expected to change a lifetime relationship on a diagnosis, not here anyway.
I agree about making the list of the things you are prepared to do, and what you are not prepared to do. Make it for you, so that when things get sticky, you can refer back to the list you created with a clear mind. Your rules to live by to protect your own life and your own sanity.
You aren't responsible to care for her. Of course social services and the medical profession prefer you and your family to do so for as long as humanly possible and as much as humanly possible, because it's free for family to care, and it's expensive for the system to do it.
Many people are very patient and tolerant of bad behaviour as it can't be controlled due to the illness, but I don't follow that philosophy very much. I feel that if someone was aggressive or abusive towards me, I'd be inclined to just walk away and say something simple like "looks like you're not in the mood for visitors today, i'll come again another day when you are feeling better". I know that people with dementia can tend to treat their nearest and dearest the worst, and treat strangers quite normally. But I wouldn't allow myself to be walked all over just because I'm familiar. If they can't treat to me like a normal human being, i'd be somewhat un-prepared to listen or stand there and take it.
That's how I deal with my children when they behave in an unacceptable manner, and I'm pretty sure that's how I'd treat my mum if she were doing the same.
I agree about making the list of the things you are prepared to do, and what you are not prepared to do. Make it for you, so that when things get sticky, you can refer back to the list you created with a clear mind. Your rules to live by to protect your own life and your own sanity.
You aren't responsible to care for her. Of course social services and the medical profession prefer you and your family to do so for as long as humanly possible and as much as humanly possible, because it's free for family to care, and it's expensive for the system to do it.
Many people are very patient and tolerant of bad behaviour as it can't be controlled due to the illness, but I don't follow that philosophy very much. I feel that if someone was aggressive or abusive towards me, I'd be inclined to just walk away and say something simple like "looks like you're not in the mood for visitors today, i'll come again another day when you are feeling better". I know that people with dementia can tend to treat their nearest and dearest the worst, and treat strangers quite normally. But I wouldn't allow myself to be walked all over just because I'm familiar. If they can't treat to me like a normal human being, i'd be somewhat un-prepared to listen or stand there and take it.
That's how I deal with my children when they behave in an unacceptable manner, and I'm pretty sure that's how I'd treat my mum if she were doing the same.
This is all happening to fast and I'm not sure I'm making the right decisions.
My mum was diagnosed with a mild cognitive disorder a year ago. last week after a month of frequent and panicked phone calls, visits from me and calls from her friends she's now considered to have alzhemer's.
I've just taken a week off work to visit mum (who lives a 4 hour drive away) with the hope of putting in place a care plan. That hasn't worked, she seems so totally freaked out and helpless that I've ended up offering to take her home with me. I'm filled with dread at this prospect, I have 2 children 12 and 14yrs who are really unhappy about this although my husband is supportive.
I've no idea what i've let myself in for and feel frustrated and manipulated (this has always been one of mum's special abilities) while she was not a terrible mother she was a weak and selfish one, putting the men in her life before my sister and myself (my sister is having nothing to do with this and lives in the US). We both left home at 15 and have never really found our way in the world.
I don't feel I can abandon this frail and frightened woman but I have little affection for her and worry how the stress of her living with us with impact on my home.
I'm hoping to eventually put her in a residential home but this involves selling her house and I've no idea how to start the whole process at the moment it all feels overwhelming and I'm worried I've made a foolish decision offering her a place in my home and wondering if I'll ever get her out again.
My mum was diagnosed with a mild cognitive disorder a year ago. last week after a month of frequent and panicked phone calls, visits from me and calls from her friends she's now considered to have alzhemer's.
I've just taken a week off work to visit mum (who lives a 4 hour drive away) with the hope of putting in place a care plan. That hasn't worked, she seems so totally freaked out and helpless that I've ended up offering to take her home with me. I'm filled with dread at this prospect, I have 2 children 12 and 14yrs who are really unhappy about this although my husband is supportive.
I've no idea what i've let myself in for and feel frustrated and manipulated (this has always been one of mum's special abilities) while she was not a terrible mother she was a weak and selfish one, putting the men in her life before my sister and myself (my sister is having nothing to do with this and lives in the US). We both left home at 15 and have never really found our way in the world.
I don't feel I can abandon this frail and frightened woman but I have little affection for her and worry how the stress of her living with us with impact on my home.
I'm hoping to eventually put her in a residential home but this involves selling her house and I've no idea how to start the whole process at the moment it all feels overwhelming and I'm worried I've made a foolish decision offering her a place in my home and wondering if I'll ever get her out again.
Hi Reading your post I just had to respond. Please read the sentence about your mother putting her men before her children. What are you doing? Please think about what you are doing. Taking your mum into your home due to the circumstances does not look a good idea. You are a kind empathic person and think you are doing the right thing and your mum possibly has dementia and it will get worse and will put a strain on your children who are at the age when they need you most. Just because you have said to your mum she can come home with you it is likely that when she comes to your home she may want to go back which is very common. Do you have power of attorney? Is your mum able to make decisions? We took mum to the solicitors who did it all and had to prove mum was capable of making these decisions. Maybe you could say to your mum that your children need you more and at this point you have decided you cannot commit to anything. You could then ask her if she would be prepared to sell her house and buy something more suitable near you and where there is more support for example sheltered accommodation. Please don't jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. No one is asking you to ignore your mum's plight but why should you have to bare the consequences an more important why should your children. Good luck
Maybell, please think very carefully about this for your children's sake.
It's probably worth you starting a new thread about the dilemma you face - lots of people here have been through it.
In your shoes I would look at sheltered housing or a care home near you. There are deferred payment schemes so you can do this and then sell her house.
Your children are at an age when they need you, and your mothers needs will increase with time.
It's probably worth you starting a new thread about the dilemma you face - lots of people here have been through it.
In your shoes I would look at sheltered housing or a care home near you. There are deferred payment schemes so you can do this and then sell her house.
Your children are at an age when they need you, and your mothers needs will increase with time.
Dear 687,
Just a quick thought - as my mum's alzhemier's has progressed, it's made me realise (and her psychiatrist thinks it may be the case) that she may always have had some sort of undiagnosed mental illness, which has gone some way in helping me to 'forgive' her behaviour in the past. It's certainly helped my bitterness to subside.
Things have a reached a head recently and it's become clear that her condition is too much for me to deal with, alone. I am not a professional in this field, and neither are you - so why should you be expected to cope, and to be responsible for her wellbeing?
I found it very helpful to send a detailed letter of the situation/symptoms/behaviours to her GP, psychiatric nurse, social services and psychiatrist. They are all kicking in with help now.
I've also found it helpful to think of mum as a 'neighbour', or 'patient', rather than my mum! And to remind myself that, while some of my friends have lovely seemingly perfect mums, many more don't. Good luck with everything x
Just a quick thought - as my mum's alzhemier's has progressed, it's made me realise (and her psychiatrist thinks it may be the case) that she may always have had some sort of undiagnosed mental illness, which has gone some way in helping me to 'forgive' her behaviour in the past. It's certainly helped my bitterness to subside.
Things have a reached a head recently and it's become clear that her condition is too much for me to deal with, alone. I am not a professional in this field, and neither are you - so why should you be expected to cope, and to be responsible for her wellbeing?
I found it very helpful to send a detailed letter of the situation/symptoms/behaviours to her GP, psychiatric nurse, social services and psychiatrist. They are all kicking in with help now.
I've also found it helpful to think of mum as a 'neighbour', or 'patient', rather than my mum! And to remind myself that, while some of my friends have lovely seemingly perfect mums, many more don't. Good luck with everything x
thank you for your replies. Ive just discovered this forum and still getting the hang of it, I may post a new thread as sugessted. Thank you also for the stark reminder re my children being the priority.
Please don't do this. We had my FIL to live with us while daughters were still at school. It was exhausting for me in the daytime, but what really made us feel this could go on no longer was the constantly broken nights, wandering, banging doors, shouting because the front door was locked at 2 am and he wanted to go out, coming into bedrooms to see who was sleeping in 'his' house - we had to put locks on all the doors but he would just rattle them and wake you up anyway.
My daughters were very good with him, but felt unable to bring friends home because of grandpa's weird behaviour - sometimes coming downstairs starkers was the worst. But they were both coming up to important exams and broken nights were threatening their school work.
Quite apart from carers and anyone needing to hold down a job, children still at school especially need their sleep and as far as possible a calm environment in the evenings to do homework, relax, etc. This is so often simply not possible when you have someone with dementia in the house.
I know how hard it is when you feel so bad and guilty - I have been through all that with my mother, too, but because of the experience with FIL I knew I could not have her to live with us. Of course when we first brought FIL here we really had no idea of what we were letting ourselves in for. I don't think anyone ever really does, until they are in at the deep end.
Good luck and all the best.
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Macular Degeneration – Hospital Appointments
- Latest: Christopher Wood
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