Mums strange Remark

Happygo

Registered User
Nov 14, 2023
10
0
Hi just back from a strange visit with mum. We have been on end of life care roller coaster since September. Sometimes eats very little but today she ate well.
The strange remark today was please can you ask them to give me something a pill as I am tired and want to die.
I was very shocked and changed the subject but she repeated it 3 times saying she wants to go see her mum. We hav3 not heard anything like this before
My mum is 92 with late stage vascular dementia and Kinney probs.
very strange remark can anyone advise if this is usual.
Thanks
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
7,008
0
Salford
Just don't know what to say, honestly lost for words about what you must be going through after hearing that said to you.
Could it be she's in pain and wants the pain to end, maybe it's all just got too much for her to process mentally.
Could be with dementia that tomorrow is a different day and only you carry the memory.
It is as you say a roller coaster of a ride, strap in and scream on here rather than in real life. K
 

mhw

Registered User
Apr 4, 2024
68
0
I really don't think it's strange. Maybe a moment of lucidity crept in.
Everyone is always for prolonging their relatives lives, basically at the end of the day for their own benefit as they don't want to loose them. But you have to ask yourself, honestly, would you want to live like majority of these EOL patients?
I know if she was in any way aware of how she is, my mum would HATE AND DESPISE me for not doing something. She told me to shoot her when we used to deal with my grandads dementia. 'Don't ever ever let me get like that' she used to say.
To the point I have actually told medical people and social services I can not care for her because I would kill her. Even if I went to prison, I don't care, I know her wishes, and I know she'd be disgusted, ashamed, degraded, and totally mortified at the sad state she is in, having strangers see her naked, messing herself. She would hate me for allowing her to keep living like this, and tbh, I fear her retribution in the next life far more than anything that anyone could do to me here.
That's loving them, respecting them, and putting them before you.
No, I'm totally not surprised your poor mum just wants it to end.
 

Firecatcher

Registered User
Jan 6, 2020
608
0
I think people with dementia wanting to die is more common than you think and it’s difficult to know how to respond particularly when people can live a long time in the end stages and suffer very protracted deaths.
 

Sophie20

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
14
0
My Mum has said similar but never actually used the ‘I want to die’ line. Her parting words last night following another suspected TIA was ‘don’t be worried if I’m not here tomorrow’ I asked her where she would be (she’s in a NH) and she replied ‘somewhere else’ I said it hopefully it would be a better place and she said ‘probably not’
So that was me in tears and up most of the night over analysing! But she never has any recollection of conversations and was more confused than usual yesterday - I think she was trying to make sense of her thoughts following a traumatic morning (for us, she couldn’t remember the paramedics and on call GP attending her) but I believe somewhere in her thoughts she knew something different had occurred. Maybe as said above your Mum had a moment of awareness that may well be forgotten now. When my Mum was on EOL a few weeks ago, I did try to broach the subject of being at peace/rest with her and try and gage what she wanted to happen. It was a definite ‘NO’ from her at that time, the instinct to survive still so very strong. And this from a woman with the same views as mhw’s Mum above when she had capacity.
I like to think I’ve still got some sort of measure of how my Mums damaged brain processes but I probably haven’t - just my way of coping. I’ll just carry on speaking on her behalf in the hope I’m doing right by her.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,673
0
My dad was mostly oblivious to his physical state in his final weeks, he was basically just skin and bones but one time he asked me 'why do they let people get into this state' which broke my heart.
 

Sterlingtimes

Registered User
Aug 5, 2022
116
0
My mother is also "skin and bones" but has repeatedly said, "Let me die". She was diagnosed last year with Mild Cognitive Impairment, but the reality of the situation is that her impairment is major.
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
864
0
Lincolnshire
My Mum regularly told me in her last few years that she’d ’had enough’, was looking forward to seeing my Dad, her Mum, her sister again. In the end she just stopped eating and drinking. I think when our loved ones with dementia start refusing their medication that this is because they are hoping it will help them to die. In our society we seem to do everything we can to keep everyone alive as long as possible whatever their quality of life. It didn’t used to be like this people were allowed to die. In the 1990’s my Dad’s kidneys failed, he had lymphoma, I asked the doctor if I could give him one of mine or if he could have dialysis, I was told, “when someone had a terminal illness we do not keep them alive to die a slower and more painful death later…..”.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,379
0
South coast
In the 1990’s my Dad’s kidneys failed, he had lymphoma, I asked the doctor if I could give him one of mine or if he could have dialysis, I was told, “when someone had a terminal illness we do not keep them alive to die a slower and more painful death later…..”.
We live in such a litigious world now that I think that doctors do everything they can to keep people alive to make sure that they are not sued for neglect
 

Sterlingtimes

Registered User
Aug 5, 2022
116
0
Thank you, canary. The NHS has responded having regard for the Respect form, an Advance Directive and my thoughts supported by the Power of Attorney. On that basis, all non-essential medications have been stopped, there will be no forced feeding, and no tubes or similar interventions. I am pleased with this approach because I think that it is correct having regard for all of the extant circumstances. I know that others will feel differently.

The NHS has been marvellous and so supportive. I cannot say the same for social services, which could not have been less supportive at each juncture.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,379
0
South coast
The NHS has responded having regard for the Respect form, an Advance Directive and my thoughts supported by the Power of Attorney. On that basis, all non-essential medications have been stopped, there will be no forced feeding, and no tubes or similar interventions. I am pleased with this approach because I think that it is correct having regard for all of the extant circumstances.
This seems an extremely sensible approach. I am glad it had been sorted and I hope your mum remains comfortable
xx
 

Happygo

Registered User
Nov 14, 2023
10
0
Hi all
thanks for sharing. After another week of sleeping and very little eating mum seemed very confused at the weekend. Asking for help and not knowing what she wanted help with. We change the subject try to keep her in better frame of mind but this seems to stick and as if on a loop the remarks about going start again .
Reading that this is part of the journey helps, its just sad mum feels this way as she used to be a happy person
 

Annamalina

Registered User
Apr 28, 2023
30
0
Hi just back from a strange visit with mum. We have been on end of life care roller coaster since September. Sometimes eats very little but today she ate well.
The strange remark today was please can you ask them to give me something a pill as I am tired and want to die.
I was very shocked and changed the subject but she repeated it 3 times saying she wants to go see her mum. We hav3 not heard anything like this before
My mum is 92 with late stage vascular dementia and Kinney probs.
very strange remark can anyone advise if this is usual.
Thanks
When my mum is upset and in distress she makes lots of suicidal remarks like “I want to die, I want to jump out of the window, I have had enough, I am suffering and I can’t stand it any more and I want to end it”. She also says “ I will do my best to die tonight because this is what you are waiting for. I will die and you will be happy!” The list of what I hear every day is endless, I have enough documentary material to write a dissertation on challenging and suicidal behaviour. At the beginning it hurt and made me upset. After 4 weeks of listening to such remarks i have stopped to react emotionally. The amount of verbal abuse is sometimes more than I can take take in. When my mum has an episode like this which happens every day and sometimes several times a day I have learnt how to switch my emotions off and focus on more important things like administering her anti-anxiety medication and making her and myself safe. So far week number 5 has started and neither social work nor psychiatrist see any serious issues even though I contact them regularly and ask for more support 🙁