Today has been really tough, at the start of the week the GP called to say mum had a temperature and possibly an infection again. After a long discussion with the GP we decided to say no to antibiotics and to keep mum comfortable and see what happened. They have delivered an end of life medication pack just in case but mum seems to be doing as ok as she can, she's still nibbling food and drinking small levels of fluids, the care home staff and trying to get her up and out in the mornings too. But tonight I went to see mum and and it felt as though she knew she was unwell, her speech has been getting worse recently but she kept saying I don't want to go over and over, I got very upset and she did too and at one point it felt as though she understood me and who I was and I kept telling her I loved her and how wonderful she was as my mum and showed her some photos of wonderful memories. It was just such a strange feeling and I'm probably thinking too much about it, but if she does go soon then I really feel as though she heard me tell her I love her. At one point for a few minutes she was so like my old mum that I was so shocked at everything that has happened for the last 2 years, almost as if it had all been a horrible dream.
Do our loved ones know they are dying?
- Thread starter HartleyHugs
- Start date
My mother died last week. The last time I saw her she wasn't well at all, but kissed my hand when I held hers. The time before I gave her a hug when I left and said 'I love you, mum'. Although she talked a lot, most of what she said didn't make sense, but that time she said 'I love you too.' I thought as I left that if I didn't see her again that was a good way to say goodbye.
Thinking of you @HartleyHugs, I think what you are doing is exactly the right thing.
Thinking of you @HartleyHugs, I think what you are doing is exactly the right thing.
Hi @HartleyHugs , I think they don't realize they are dying just like they aren't aware that they are living
I'm very sorry to hear that, Sarasa.
To answer the OP's question, I'd say yes, people with dementia can sometimes sense they're dying. Once they reach the later stages, though, even that rudimentary level of understanding can disappear.
A couple of years ago, I sometimes used to find my father in his bedroom going through the things in his wardrobe (not just clothes). When I asked him what he was doing he would say "I'm going to throw all this away and then I'm going to die", or words to that effect.
It was painfully poignant because whatever I said in reply (e.g. "don't be silly; you're still very much alive") didn't seem to bring him any comfort.
Moving on a couple of years, as of this week he's been completely bed-bound for ten months, and he never shows any despondency now. He can still smile and laugh, though, and when I've washed his face in the morning he always look straight at me and giggles, possibly because he quite likes the sensation of having a freshly washed face. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
This is a very interesting observation. I seriously hadn`t thought this way before but think there may be a lot of sense in it.
Hello @margherita It`s lovely to see you on the forum again. I hope you are well.
Thank you for your reply especially at your difficult time, it made me cry but also reminded me to just keep making every moment with my mum as calm and loving as possible
My husband was very aware he was dying. On the odd occasions when he could speak he would say so. He seems a bit worried about it. But the last two weeks of his life he became very peaceful. I'm sure he accepted that it was time to leave this world. I am convinced he was aware of me being with him. There would be a wee bit of pressure on my hand while I was holding his. That was the only means of communication but for me it has helped me, just knowing that he was at home where he wanted to be and I was with him
I was with my husband in the hospital for the whole week leading up to him dying. They gave me a fold down bed so that I could sleep in his room. He also was peaceful but I don't think he was capable of thinking of whether he was dying or not. He was awake and was able to squeeze my hand a few times.
My mother died last new year’s day. I visited her in the morning of new year’s eve and she was in a lot of pain. I massaged her back and head whilst waiting for the nurses to come and give her some pain relief and she said “that feels nice”. When the nurses came and sat her up she suddenly saw me and said “hello” in such a warm, surprised voice to me that it touched everyone in the room. I don’t know if she had known it was me massaging her earlier or not. I stayed with her until the pain eased and she started to sleep. I kissed her forehead before I left, not knowing that was the last time I would see her, although I knew she was very poorly and it could be any day.
In the afternoon the senior carer from Mum’s sheltered flat visited Mum - she had transferred from there to a nursing home a week earlier, the evening before Christmas Eve, because the carers at the flat couldn’t look after her and the doctor believed Mum was at the stage of “end of life care”. The carer told me afterwards that Mum kept saying to her “I’m ready, I’m ready”. Mum had a conversation with me a few weeks before this in which we were talking about ”next year” and Mum said to me - if I’m here next year. Well you’ve got to go sometime.
Thinking of you all at these different stages of this difficult time.
In the afternoon the senior carer from Mum’s sheltered flat visited Mum - she had transferred from there to a nursing home a week earlier, the evening before Christmas Eve, because the carers at the flat couldn’t look after her and the doctor believed Mum was at the stage of “end of life care”. The carer told me afterwards that Mum kept saying to her “I’m ready, I’m ready”. Mum had a conversation with me a few weeks before this in which we were talking about ”next year” and Mum said to me - if I’m here next year. Well you’ve got to go sometime.
Thinking of you all at these different stages of this difficult time.
Thank you for the thoughtful replies it has really helped. I went to see mum this evening and used your strength to keep me going and hold my tears back till I left. She did the same today a lot of I don't want to go, but she was a bit more sleepy so it wasn't quite as much.
Hi @Grannie G , I still enter the forum and enjoy reading your always timely and never trivial comments. Your words have helped me a lot in the past when I was looking for answers and suggestions,.
My husband has been in a nursing home for over two years You were right: time and no longer having to struggle for survival to his dementia have softened my resentment and calmed my anger. Now I feel pity and even tenderness for him.. Thanks again!
