Mums refusal to go into care

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hi everyone
Mums dementia is worsening,she’s become incontinent and opens her door at night looking for people to help her
She’s very dependant on me and although I share visiting with my brother she wants me all the time
She’s anxious and doesn’t want to be on her own and we’ve tried to explain that if she made the move to a care facility she’d be safe/ looked after and we could still visit as we do and take her out!
Sadly she’s having none of it, she calls me nasty and that I don’t care every time I leave
I’m having a dementia review tomorrow with her doctor and awaiting a Social Services assessment but goodness knows when that will be
I’m beginning to dread going to see her or take her out as she makes a scene every time I return her home
I really don’t know what I expect everyone to say but it helps writing how I feel

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Irisivyclara722161 , Your mum can't visualise what being in a care home would be like so she is saying no even though it sounds she isn't happy with the way things are at the moment.
Although it sounds sneaky I wouldn't try and explain things to her just find a care home that you think will suit her. When my mum was at that stage I found a home and organised it all without telling her. I told her the assessment was just two friends visiting me at my mum's for a chat. That is assuming that your mum would be self-funding. If you need social services to pay they'll probably want to try your mum with four visits at home first.
I would take a bullet point list to the GP to slip to him with all your concerns as saying things in front of your mum could be tricky. I'd also start chasing social services as well. It really sounds like your mum isn't safe at home anymore.

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Thankyou for your reply
It’s an awful business isn’t it? You try to do your best but feel so guilty at the same time
I’m seeing the Doctor on my own as she said mum doesn’t have to be there! I have video evidence on my phone of mum “wandering “ so that should help and a list of my concerns
Mum is so miserable, I try to do things to cheer her but end up getting despondent myself which is not good for her or me!
Mum would be self funding but it’s having that back up from Social services and Doctor if she refuses to stay…. Which did happen when we tried her with respite in October
We have LPA for health and finance but not sure if that’s enough clout to keep her in the care facility
Thankyou for your advice
It helps enormously

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Irisivyclara722161 , my mum kept trying to escape from the home so they applied for a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards order. Mum could sound very together at the time, but she was a danger to herself and others with her behaviour. I was worried that the care home would refuse to keep mum, but they managed her behaviour really well. Maybe look around at some different homes as the one for respite didn't work out.

 

[Angel55]

Hi everyone
Mums dementia is worsening,she’s become incontinent and opens her door at night looking for people to help her
She’s very dependant on me and although I share visiting with my brother she wants me all the time
She’s anxious and doesn’t want to be on her own and we’ve tried to explain that if she made the move to a care facility she’d be safe/ looked after and we could still visit as we do and take her out!
Sadly she’s having none of it, she calls me nasty and that I don’t care every time I leave
I’m having a dementia review tomorrow with her doctor and awaiting a Social Services assessment but goodness knows when that will be
I’m beginning to dread going to see her or take her out as she makes a scene every time I return her home
I really don’t know what I expect everyone to say but it helps writing how I feel

Hello 💗

It can help to write things down. At several points in my own life I have kept a journal more than anything to get the emotions out and also as it didn't upset anyone else I was close too. Often people would try and say something to 'fix' and sometimes all you really want is a listening ear. You are in the right place here.

 

[Canna]

I followed Sarasa's advice to the letter this time last year (thank you Sarasa!) - and didn't say anything about the home, even when we were taking mum in through the door. I expected her to go berserk when she found out, and was terrified of what would happen when she said she didn't want to stay. In the event, although she did initially kick off and demand we call her a taxi, the home did a bit of tactical ignoring once we'd left her. Within a short period she was settled and deprivation of liberty never came up.

A factual bullet pointed list is really helpful - for the GP, Social Services, and to help you organise your thoughts. I wrote down a list of things that were happening, what the hazard of each thing was, and what was needed to solve the problem (eg- Mum wandered during the day. She shut herself out, and had to sit in the rain in November till I came home from work. Risk of hypothermia. Required solution 24/7 monitoring- ie 4 care visits would not solve this problem. )

 

[Rosettastone57]

If your mum is self-funding you have LPA for finances and health, you can just organise things yourself. This is what we did with my mother in law's situation. She was self-funding with carers 4 times a day . It became obvious that this wasn't sufficient and she refused point blank to go into care. In fact, she refused to even leave her own home and she wouldn't go to doctor's appointments or anywhere else. My husband wasn't prepared to dupe her into care, so we waited for a crisis. Eventually she became ill and went into hospital and we organised a care home for her. She went straight to the home from hospital and never returned to her own home. We never involved social services or the GP at any time with her care needs including the move to a care home. The home assessed her in hospital and we told her this was a move to help her recuperate. And we kept saying that. She was completely immobile so there wasn't a chance she would "escape ".

 

[Sarasa]

@Canna, so glad things worked out so well for your mother.

 

[Chris m]

Hi everyone
Mums dementia is worsening,she’s become incontinent and opens her door at night looking for people to help her
She’s very dependant on me and although I share visiting with my brother she wants me all the time
She’s anxious and doesn’t want to be on her own and we’ve tried to explain that if she made the move to a care facility she’d be safe/ looked after and we could still visit as we do and take her out!
Sadly she’s having none of it, she calls me nasty and that I don’t care every time I leave
I’m having a dementia review tomorrow with her doctor and awaiting a Social Services assessment but goodness knows when that will be
I’m beginning to dread going to see her or take her out as she makes a scene every time I return her home
I really don’t know what I expect everyone to say but it helps writing how I feel

Hi irisivyclara, echoing what others have said. If you are self funding you should be able to get on with sorting out a care home. I've just done this with my mum, after the incontinence became so overwhelming for me to deal with, on top of the existing dementia behaviours and challenges. I have financial POA only, and the GP said this was sufficient for me to sort things out. I told mum it was convalescent care after an infection and that the GP had said she needed to do it. She would never have agreed to it otherwise. After 2 weeks I told her the GP said she needed to stay a little longer. She accepted this. Now she is safe and being cared for, I'm beginning to understand the real impact the caregiving has had on my health, including the impact of the accusations of not caring, as you have mentioned, which really hit you when you are already at a low point.