Mums care home journey

Irisivyclara722161

Registered User
Oct 6, 2022
39
0
Hi all
After an incident of wandering in the the night “looking for help from her neighbours” and locking herself out late one night to go to the doctors we finally made the decision mum of 96 yrs should go into a lovely care facility we’d had the good the fortune of securing a room locally

Mum was fine for the first couple of weeks, happy to see us and ok when we left but things have changed since last weekend and she’s become verbally aggressive ( like she had been towards me before she went in) is refusing to eat/ drink/ go to her room to sleep and has become rude to staff
And wants to go home! Not to her previous one but the one before
The staff think it could be a urine infection but as she’s not drinking much it’s hard to get a urine sample
It will be mums 4 week review next week and I’m afraid the care home might say she can’t stay as she’s so awkward and aggressive

It was the hardest decision we’ve had to make for mum to go to a care facility for her safety and to be with company but now I am feeling twice as bad that she’s discontent

I would be so grateful for any advice , whether this is how change affects people living with dementia? it’s so heartbreaking as I was thinking we’d made a good decision but now I’m doubting myself as she’s so miserable
😞
 

Angel55

Registered User
Oct 23, 2023
148
0
Hi all
After an incident of wandering in the the night “looking for help from her neighbours” and locking herself out late one night to go to the doctors we finally made the decision mum of 96 yrs should go into a lovely care facility we’d had the good the fortune of securing a room locally

Mum was fine for the first couple of weeks, happy to see us and ok when we left but things have changed since last weekend and she’s become verbally aggressive ( like she had been towards me before she went in) is refusing to eat/ drink/ go to her room to sleep and has become rude to staff
And wants to go home! Not to her previous one but the one before
The staff think it could be a urine infection but as she’s not drinking much it’s hard to get a urine sample
It will be mums 4 week review next week and I’m afraid the care home might say she can’t stay as she’s so awkward and aggressive

It was the hardest decision we’ve had to make for mum to go to a care facility for her safety and to be with company but now I am feeling twice as bad that she’s discontent

I would be so grateful for any advice , whether this is how change affects people living with dementia? it’s so heartbreaking as I was thinking we’d made a good decision but now I’m doubting myself as she’s so miserable
😞
Hello 💗

If mum has been checked for any underlying infection and that is all okay then it may just be a blip or it could be that living at home and a familiar environment was masking the true nature/stage of the illness.

Change definitely does have an effect but we cannot alway keep things the same especially as you have discovered a loved becomes unsafe and the only option is some form of residential/nursing home sometimes, with that comes the guilt and anguish of wanting our loved one to be 'okay' with something they may not be. Some of that can also be the lack of insight into their own limitations and part of the illness.

I don't read anything in your post that makes me thing the care home will not allow your mum to stay. Not unless there are some really challenging behaviour. I am sure they would let you know before the review.

Express your concerns, ask what you can do if anything. We were told that the staff are well used to things and it would perhaps be more challenging for us as family with the emotional attachments.

It breaks my heart every time I go to see my own father but he really could not manage anymore and neither could we.

Let us know how your review goes. ♥️
 

Irisivyclara722161

Registered User
Oct 6, 2022
39
0
Hello 💗

If mum has been checked for any underlying infection and that is all okay then it may just be a blip or it could be that living at home and a familiar environment was masking the true nature/stage of the illness.

Change definitely does have an effect but we cannot alway keep things the same especially as you have discovered a loved becomes unsafe and the only option is some form of residential/nursing home sometimes, with that comes the guilt and anguish of wanting our loved one to be 'okay' with something they may not be. Some of that can also be the lack of insight into their own limitations and part of the illness.

I don't read anything in your post that makes me thing the care home will not allow your mum to stay. Not unless there are some really challenging behaviour. I am sure they would let you know before the review.

Express your concerns, ask what you can do if anything. We were told that the staff are well used to things and it would perhaps be more challenging for us as family with the emotional attachments.

It breaks my heart every time I go to see my own father but he really could not manage anymore and neither could we.

Let us know how your review goes. ♥️
Thankyou Angel 55

Yes mum was like this before towards me a tad but when she first moved in to the care facility she seemed happier that she was with company but perhaps now the the aggressive side has come to the surface again

Having the review will highlight a few things
Her hearing aids are lost so maybe she feels distressed that she can’t hear what’s going on

She told my brother she never sees anyone and wants to go out and as much as I’d like to as I did before her admission to care facility and I’m afraid she’ll play up and won’t go back in as I had problems getting her home from mine on more than a few occasions one time flatly refusing to get in the car

I’ll certainly update on how the review goes
My brother is coming for support also
Thankyou for your advice 😍
 

Irisivyclara722161

Registered User
Oct 6, 2022
39
0
Hello 💗

If mum has been checked for any underlying infection and that is all okay then it may just be a blip or it could be that living at home and a familiar environment was masking the true nature/stage of the illness.

Change definitely does have an effect but we cannot alway keep things the same especially as you have discovered a loved becomes unsafe and the only option is some form of residential/nursing home sometimes, with that comes the guilt and anguish of wanting our loved one to be 'okay' with something they may not be. Some of that can also be the lack of insight into their own limitations and part of the illness.

I don't read anything in your post that makes me thing the care home will not allow your mum to stay. Not unless there are some really challenging behaviour. I am sure they would let you know before the review.

Express your concerns, ask what you can do if anything. We were told that the staff are well used to things and it would perhaps be more challenging for us as family with the emotional attachments.

It breaks my heart every time I go to see my own father but he really could not manage anymore and neither could we.

Let us know how your review goes. ♥️
Hi @Angel55
we had the review last week and they were happy and felt there were no issues that they couldn’t meet so huge relief all round
I asked if I could take her out on next visit,with trepidation as she was reluctant to return to her flat previously
The manager confirmed that if I had a problem getting her out the car they would come and help
So that’s a relief

Mum did have a UTI and after almost a week on antibiotics seemed to be improving
However my brother visited last Friday and she was back to not sleeping in her bed,was miserable,sleepy and wanted to go out

I will visit in the morn to take her out for a ride in the car but am anticipating her wanting to come home with me and getting nasty

I keep telling myself she’s in the best place and she’s safe and being well cared for but I hate to see her so miserable

I’ve asked the manager if her behaviour is challenging but was assured she’s a pussycat compared to some of the residents

Guilt is a terrible thing as we only want to please our parents and for them to be happy

Many thanks for your advice and this site that’s helps us through by airing our worries ❤️
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,269
0
Nottinghamshire
@Irisivyclara722161 , glad the review went well. My mum was pretty feisty when she first went into care too, but like you we found the the home seemed to be able to cope fine.
I too worried about taking her out, so started by just going to a different part of the home at first. Is there a cafe area or a garden you could try out first. We then graduated to going to the cafe round the corner and finally I took her a bit further afield. When you do take her out I’d make sure not to go anywhere near her old home in case she thinks you are taking her her home. I found a small meal out and a glass of wine or a cup of tea and then back to the home was enough for both of us.
 
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Angel55

Registered User
Oct 23, 2023
148
0
Hi @Angel55
we had the review last week and they were happy and felt there were no issues that they couldn’t meet so huge relief all round
I asked if I could take her out on next visit,with trepidation as she was reluctant to return to her flat previously
The manager confirmed that if I had a problem getting her out the car they would come and help
So that’s a relief

Mum did have a UTI and after almost a week on antibiotics seemed to be improving
However my brother visited last Friday and she was back to not sleeping in her bed,was miserable,sleepy and wanted to go out

I will visit in the morn to take her out for a ride in the car but am anticipating her wanting to come home with me and getting nasty

I keep telling myself she’s in the best place and she’s safe and being well cared for but I hate to see her so miserable

I’ve asked the manager if her behaviour is challenging but was assured she’s a pussycat compared to some of the residents

Guilt is a terrible thing as we only want to please our parents and for them to be happy

Many thanks for your advice and this site that’s helps us through by airing our worries ❤️
💗

Bless you. Take Care x
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
2,169
0
Surrey
Take care of yourself @helpingpeggy - it’s such a rollercoaster journey for us as carers and loved ones ♥️♥️

In terms of anxiety I think it’s definitely worth a chat with her GP. Mum is very anxious regarding personal care and is convinced every time she is rolled she is going to fall off the bed. She grabs on to the carers uniforms and won’t let go. She was started on a low dose of fluoxetine which they think has helped a little. We would have gone for escitalopram but it was contraindicated. Others have found sertraline helpful.

I hope your mum settles in time xxxx