Mum's dementia is not as advanced as the others in her new care home

[Flaming June]

I moved mum into a care home this week. She's probably stage 5 Alzheimer's but nowhere near as bad as the other residents I've seen there - indeed she looks almost normal compared to the tragically sad condition of those residents. Mum keeps saying she wants to move "somewhere else" as "this home is for really poorly people, not someone like me" - she seems convinced she'll be moving soon to a "more normal" place. Yet of course her dementia will sadly progress and she may become like the other residents at some point. I don't know what to do - should I move her? Yet she hated every other home I took her to when searching for the right home. And if she did move, she might end up having to move back before long. The staff say she's lovely and they wish everyone was like her... I can't discuss with my brother as he's told me not to contact him about any of this which makes it so much harder to know what to do - what's best for mum, in her interests and for her well-being. Advice appreciated, thank you so much.

 

[SAP]

What made you choose that home initially? Is it close to you, in your mums price bracket, has good reviews? If you moved her , would you lose the things you liked about this one?
At this stage, I’m afraid your mum will want to go home or somewhere else no matter where she is so it really is down to what is suitable for her.
Some homes have more than one unit with different needs on each one, could she move to a different area.
No two people at stage 5 are the same and there is no doubt that at some point you mum will have the same needs as the others she sees. How long away that is can be anyone’s guess. Would it be worth the upheaval? I honestly don’t know because I don’t know you or your mum, these are just questions to ask yourself.
It is difficult and must be upsetting that your brother does not want to discuss this but this is just another coping mechanism. However you can discuss this on here and many will offer guidance and support. X

 

[Jools1402]

I have this exact same problem with my Mum. The home she is in is lovely and staff fantastic and it was chosen for several reasons. Mum is in a small EMI unit (she has Alzheimer's) and can still talk well and likes to chat - even if a lot of it is a bit surreal. But hardly any of the other residents can speak even at all. I feel Mum would do very well in a more "ordinary" home. But when I was looking for somewhere every single home, even if they advertised that they took dementia residents, said no as soon as I mentioned Alzheimer's

 

[canary]

I think you are right @Flaming June - your mum will probably not be happy anywhere that you move her to and if you move her somewhere where the residents are all in early stages, then once your mum moved beyond that stage she will be given notice and you will have to move her again.

When mum moved into her care home I felt that she wasnt bad enough to be there and that everyone else was much more advanced than she was. Mum was also desperately unhappy and constantly "packing to go home". After 6 weeks, though, she had settled and it also became obvious to me that, actually, she fitted right in. She thrived there and became happy.

Id give it time and see how your mum settles. You could tell her that its just temporary while you are finding somewhere else and if she really doesnt settle, then you could move her, but you may well find that she does settle and you dont need to

 

[Flaming June]

Thank you, very sensible advice! We opted for this particular home because she hated all the others and we'd visited virtually every home in the area, and even further afield! She was quite receptive about this home which is why, after a very stressful few months, we went for it. And the staff are so very nice and kind.

 

[SAP]

Well staff who have time to be lovely and kind is something you don’t want to lose in a rush. You probably know the saying out of the frying pan and into the fire!

 

[Grannie G]

I had the same experience with my mother but really it wasn't long before the difference wasn't as noticeable.

It helped me realise, people who live alone are more likely to enter residential care at an earlier stage than those who are with a partner or family member.

It`s a sad fact of life @Flaming June Your mother may settle soon. I hope so.

What is important is the quality of the home which you are happy with.

 

[DeeCee7]

Our PWD is doing well in his care home and participating in everything on offer, and there is a wide variety of daily activities and entertainment going on. The Lifestyles team put on a wonderful calendar. We have joined in with a few, and others are posted on FB. There are quite a group of others at about his stage. So it was with some surprise that on our last visit, it was suggested that he try a day centre for further stimulation, as he is very sociable. He tends to chat to the office staff and they kindly give him little jobs to do. This idea seems to have been inspired by the daughter of someone on respite care at the home who attends this day centre. However, I am a little concerned that he would be out from 9-3, and not knowing anyone there, and if the activities would be any better. There is also the consideration of cost. The day care is £60, plus taxis there and back, so at least £100 plus the possible cost of a carer accompanying him. It would be nice to go on their day trips out, but at over £100 per day on top of his already costly care home fees, we are not sure if this additional expense is justified. What do others think? This could be something @Flaming June could consider for her mum too, but is it worthwhile?

 

[Flaming June]

We have decided to move mum to another care home. Thanks for your kind replies to my post. 🙏😊

 

[KimChi123]

I moved mum into a care home this week. She's probably stage 5 Alzheimer's but nowhere near as bad as the other residents I've seen there - indeed she looks almost normal compared to the tragically sad condition of those residents. Mum keeps saying she wants to move "somewhere else" as "this home is for really poorly people, not someone like me" - she seems convinced she'll be moving soon to a "more normal" place. Yet of course her dementia will sadly progress and she may become like the other residents at some point. I don't know what to do - should I move her? Yet she hated every other home I took her to when searching for the right home. And if she did move, she might end up having to move back before long. The staff say she's lovely and they wish everyone was like her... I can't discuss with my brother as he's told me not to contact him about any of this which makes it so much harder to know what to do - what's best for mum, in her interests and for her well-being. Advice appreciated, thank you so much.

Hi! I am sorry to hear that you're not getting any support from your brother. My father is in a similar situation and if I had my way I would move him in an instant. I'd have him home and that's what we're working towards. But for now..... As far as I'm concerned, what's important is doing everything I possibly can to try and get him the best quality of life for how he is now. He may be dead before anything progresses. A move may not improve things. Then again it might. I can't imagine leaving someone who still have some of their faculties living in a place where they're completely isolated because they have nobody they can interact with. There's no interaction with residents by staff where my father is staying. Everything about their behaviour is completely disempowering and disrespectful to all of the residents there. I can't imagine many or much better. How do you think your mom's life might improve if she moved. What are the pros and cons. If going to live with family is not an option, would she at least have people to interact with? What does she do now and want to do? Is the home where she is contributing to her wellbeing or contributing to her decline? There's lots of things to think about. Perhaps brainstorm all of the issues you can think about the topic then do an list of pros and cons and weight each one with how important it is. I have a bit more info on how to do this if you want. I've had to learn as I need to write a care plan as part of my bid to get my father out of the place he's in now. Doing it with a friend over a cuppa may make the process a bit more bearable. I hope something that makes your mom and you happier works out. :>