mum's care home & guilty of having a life

[ritchie]

As u all may recall mum has been in the ch for nearly 2 weeks, still not settled mostly wanting 2 come home as 'there's nothing wrong with her & she wants things to be like they were' if only she knew I pray for this every day but it ain't gonna happen, she isn't as confused as she was in hospital, but the next step is going to be when the cancer progresses, horrible times....
However after looking after mum on my own for well over a year I finally feel like im starting to get my own life back on track & socialise more but then feel so guilty for this when I know she is not happy & wanting to come back home,
has anyone else had to deal with these
awful emotions on their own?

 

[tiggs72]

Hi Richie

Please don't feel guilty - you are entitled to a life, remember before this awful disease you mum would never have wished this upon you and would is thankful for everything you do.

I'm relatively knew to this - my dad was diagnosed 4 months ago. I'm a single mum with two teenagers and work full time and at first was killing myself to try and visit every day with no time for anything else. A really good social worker forced me to realise that this wasn't doing me or dad any good - so instead I call everyday and visit on set days.

Please look after yourself and hope yr mum is ok x

 

[elizabet]

You are not alone with the guilt feelings. My Mum could not manage to look after herself in her own home, did not like the carers coming as there" was nothing wrong and she could manage by herself"!! Spent the first few weeks packing her clothes every day in the care home as she was going home but now after 10 weeks she is settled and "likes her hotel" and the staff are nice. Getting her to the care home was traumatic for myself as I had to resort to telling little white lies . I could not have left her at home by herself and once she was safely in the care home the relief I felt was huge as she was in a safer environment than in her own home .I do feel sad that I cannot look after her myself( I am an only child living 250+ miles away and my house is not large enough ) but being in a care home when I visit I can have "quality time" with her .

 

[CeliaW]

Ritchie - I think the important thing to remember (and emphasise at any meetings) is that your Mum being in the CH and getting the full amount of support she needs enables her to be less anxious etc etc. The reason she went to the Care Home is because she wasn't able to be as good as she is now irrespective of however much care you gave her.

Should she move back home and into the same circumstances then it is pretty likely she will revert eventually, if not straight away, to having the same problems. Sometimes taking the steps backwards again can be avoided by medication or changing./ increasing the care package someone has. This means it has to be looked at in great detail and not just be assumed that it can just go back to how it was before with no changes.

Hopefully your Mum will settle more and you have made a good choice to move her into care whilst she is still able to be aware and hopefully make friendships, get to know the carers etc before her dementia and the cancer have an even greater impact on her well being.

Guilt is there for all of us and you will find it a common theme in many threads - sadly it seems to come as part of the package and we have all gone over and over things in our heads as to what is the right thing to do. But you are entitled to a life of your own as well and, if you are able to have that then you will be able to be more of a support to your Mum in the CH. You are still her carer - just now you are concentrating on other parts of her care and can share things with your Mum that you know as family and which are personal memories for example. The carers in the CH can provide the practical bits which, essentially, can be done by anyone.

I am sure others will be along who will say that 2 weeks isn't really very long to settle in to a CH and also that many have found out that the wish to go "home" doesn't necessarily apply to the house she was living in with you before her admission.

Take care and try to concentrate on how good it is to see your Mum less confused BECAUSE she is were she is.

Celia

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi Ritchie, I know exactly where you are coming from and so many people here on TP have gone and going through the same processes as you. My mum was sectioned in hospital for 7 months but in her head she was fine! She has been in a nursing home for 3 months and still packs all her clothes in one big plastic bag ready to come home. Her wardrobe and drawers in her room are empty because 'she is not staying' So this has been going on for 10 months. She thinks she is stuck in a bus terminal or airport and got of the wrong station and cannot get out. When we visit she worries we will not be allowed out either. It is very sad but at the end of the day she has someone there all the time 24/7 giving her medication, food, drink and hygienne needs. You deserve a life and its not your fault she has dementia. What would you want people to do in the same circumstances, give up enjoying life. Its not like you have left her in danger and you done your best.

 

[scared daughter]

Hi

My mum is in her second week of being in a nursing home, he is finding it really hard to settle, wanting to leave - it is always a bus to get to my grandmas as she needs an operation for some reason.

I have been told it may take 5 or so weeks as she is really not settling and not to worry, but it's hard. My mum had got tot he stage where she was falling, agressive and wandering at night.

She is quite a away from me and had a care package in place, which had completely broken down - then I got the call I had been dreading she had wandered at night and been hit by a car!

One cracked pelvis later, the hospital made the decision she needed to go into a home - much to my relief. We are still in chaos, getting daily updates of whats gone on, but now I know she is safe. We can now plan our visits and not spend all our non working hours dashing over and panicking.

I am dealing with the guilt simply by knowing mum is safe - she is easily accessible to all her friends and my family life might even start to be "normal" again x Just such a tough one x

 

[scared daughter]

I just add, she did fight going into one, but she fought every ounce of help we tried to give her. Which is why this has been so damn hard xxx

 

[Witzend]

I just add, she did fight going into one, but she fought every ounce of help we tried to give her. Which is why this has been so damn hard xxx

I know it's all too easy to say, but whenever I felt terrible about my mother going into a CH, I tried to think of what she would have said before Alz. got its vile grip on her. She would certainly not have wanted me, or any of us, to give up our whole lives to care for her - and that's what it would have taken. She would have been horrified at the mere thought. And I think most parents would feel the same - I absolutely know I would.

 

[at wits end]

I understand how hard it it and how the guilt monster plays with your mind. My gran is 99 and hates being in her CH even though she has formed friendships and loves the staff. She just hates the whole idea of a CH.

But at the moment I am reminding myself of last summer, when some days I would walk into her living room and see the temperature in the high twenties, with no doors or windows opened, mouldy bread in the bread box and cups of tea abandoned half made.

The only reason my gran feels well enough to complain is because she is so well looked after. Though of course she denies they do ANYTHING to look after her. I am quite sure if she had made it this far at home this current heat would have seen her hospitalised again or even worse dead.

She will ever accept the choice I made so I blame it on Social Services and count my blessings she has the energy to whinge at me.

 

[at wits end]

I know it's all too easy to say, but whenever I felt terrible about my mother going into a CH, I tried to think of what she would have said before Alz. got its vile grip on her. She would certainly not have wanted me, or any of us, to give up our whole lives to care for her - and that's what it would have taken. She would have been horrified at the mere thought. And I think most parents would feel the same - I absolutely know I would.

Actually I think my gran would have loved me give up my life and care for her! She wasn't the greatest gran bless her....

 

[ritchie]

mum & the care home

Thanks as always for your kind words of advice, they really do help, know u are all right just need that reassurance when ur dealing with things on ur own.
Just been to visit mum she walked me to the door & cried as I drove off, she waved me goodbye as she stood with one of her carer's.
Heartbreaking. .......

 

[carrieanne]

Hi Ritchie

Hi Ritchie
I know how you feel, please contact me for a chat. I have a reletive with Lewey Body so I can understand your concerns.

Carrieanne

As u all may recall mum has been in the ch for nearly 2 weeks, still not settled mostly wanting 2 come home as 'there's nothing wrong with her & she wants things to be like they were' if only she knew I pray for this every day but it ain't gonna happen, she isn't as confused as she was in hospital, but the next step is going to be when the cancer progresses, horrible times....
However after looking after mum on my own for well over a year I finally feel like im starting to get my own life back on track & socialise more but then feel so guilty for this when I know she is not happy & wanting to come back home,
has anyone else had to deal with these
awful emotions on their own?

 

[nerak]

As u all may recall mum has been in the ch for nearly 2 weeks, still not settled mostly wanting 2 come home as 'there's nothing wrong with her & she wants things to be like they were' if only she knew I pray for this every day but it ain't gonna happen, she isn't as confused as she was in hospital, but the next step is going to be when the cancer progresses, horrible times....
However after looking after mum on my own for well over a year I finally feel like im starting to get my own life back on track & socialise more but then feel so guilty for this when I know she is not happy & wanting to come back home,
has anyone else had to deal with these
awful emotions on their own?

The stress of looking after my mum is making me ill very ill I have back pain I am anxious all the time and sick with worry for me it will be a home for her or ill leave she is not safe here on her own and I cant give up my life forever I would end up hating her ALSO i am not capable of being here living like this with no support from my family its a nightmare of course I will feel guilty when shes does go in IF she does?? BUT what is the alternative??? I have told my family you want mum around for a few years yet or that she dies?? and I think thats the bottom line please remember there are ALOT of people out there who do NOT CARE about their parents and just wouldnt do what we do so no more guilt and enjoy the rest of your time with your mum.
Sorry if i seem harsh but my mum has been sick and dependant on us since I was a kid and now its time for us to have peace knowing that she is safe somewhere that shes looked after is the best thing all round!

 

[ritchie]

Hi newak
I know how u feel I made myself ill for a year before she went in the home I was self harming & I'm still on antidepressants, u need to make the first step in helping ur mum & urself & either go 2 the doctors or contact social services, let me know how u get on X

 

[ritchie]

Hi carrie anne
Thank you will get in touch X

 

[Juditha6]

I am feeling guilty also. My Aunt went into a care home a week ago and each time I have visited her she wants to come with me when I leave so I can take her home. When this happens I just want to do what she is asking because I feel so guilty and sorry for her. Then I have to remind myself of the late night/early morning calls from her whilst in her own house asking me to take her home, I started having to take her out of the back door and walk round to the front door and hope she recognised her house so she could settle down for the night. This worked a few times then she started packing her shoes, clothes, nightie etc and wander out herself during the night. We had sensors fitted to the doors and the warden would attend when the door was opened and attempted to settle her but this happened too often and for her own safety she needs to have 24 hour care somewhere secure. So I try to push the guilt away and tell her I have to go straight to work after visiting and that I'll be back again the next day then I get in my car and have a good cry, it is heartbreaking but at least she is safe and has the carers/nurses to distract her. Take care and remember that you need a life too x

 

[nerak]

Hi newak
I know how u feel I made myself ill for a year before she went in the home I was self harming & I'm still on antidepressants, u need to make the first step in helping ur mum & urself & either go 2 the doctors or contact social services, let me know how u get on X

Well am trying but getting nowhere have written to her docs Practice and hoping they will respond also I told them if this isnt dealt with soon I will complain to med board.

Am drained and so tired from this battle with the doctor hes an **** and interestingly have heard complaints about him I feel he dosnt like old people that theyre old and a nuisance really. Why work as a doc then??

Thanks will let you know have NOW been told to get in touch with the local politician whatever it takes to speed this up.

 

[ritchie]

Hi nerak
God I do feel for u, ive been through all of this & when i asked for a doctors house visit they told me it would be a week!
How the hell do they think u can wait that long,bless mum but the only reason I got her assessed as I thought she'd had a stroke so she was admitted to hospital, fortunately she hadn't but she was diagnosed with dementia & cancer, so don't know what's worse.
When I was as low as yourself I didnt know where to turn & came on here which saved my sanity & was told to contact the emergency social services number, I didn't need it because mum was in hospital but they should help.......
Please keep posting & let us know ur ok

 

[nerak]

Go private!!!!!!!

Thanks Ritchie!!

Ok so heres how it works here in good ol eire?? I SPOKE to my mums doc today he only spoke to me because my mum is now getting confused about her insulin and took 2 in 4hrs which HELLO??? VERY dangerous so I rang him and said it was an emergency!

So he has actually referred her on to a geriatrician so I rang them she is on a waiting list and could take a YEAR???????????

Now ive been advised that the best solution is to go private????? 150 euros an hour basically if I want this sorted I have no choice??

Will have to get my mum to pay for this so a nightmare ahead and now more than ever need my familys support?????

Things very bad here its like nobody gives a **** anymore so what that shes not safe? so what that shes diabetic?

Spoke to woman the other day whose mum had als and she said in her day the neighbours all mucked in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a good time to live pity we don't have that sense of community anymore!!!!!

 

[scared daughter]

I just add, she did fight going into one, but she fought every ounce of help we tried to give her. Which is why this has been so damn hard xxx

Oh yes xxx Got the T Shirt too, I couldn't spend any time with my mum as she would hit and shout at me re being sent into a home................... cans of beans would get thrown at me.

For us it was a fall that hospitalised her and the social worker had to take her to the home - was so awful xxx