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Discussion in 'End of life care' started by cat64, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. cat64

    cat64 Registered User

    Sep 1, 2014

    I haven't been on the forum for several years but feel I need a rant/let off steam as life feels challenging and scary at the moment....

    My mum who is almost 79 has vascular dementia and has been in a lovely care home for the last two years.

    Since the beginning of october we have had a huge dip in all her cognative skills..then she was in hospital with a mega chest and urine infection for 9 days which amazingly she recovered from and then went back to the home for what is being classed as end of life care........
    She is in bed all the time, has suddenly stopped recognising me and is eating very little. she looks like a skeleton.
    I have had a good chat with the GP and she is now not for resuscitation and there are some drugs which the district nurse can give if she becomes agitated. At the moment she is very comfy..she hears things when you come in the room but there is very little speech and she just sips drinks.

    This disease is so evil isn't it......I can't relax and jump every time the phone rings. yet attempting to be christmassy for my family and the children I care for [Im a childminder].

    I almost just want her to go to sleep...is that a bad thing to think??shes just not mum anymore. she wouldn't want to be like this.

    trying to be practical ...I've arranged a funeral plan as I have poa,.. cleared some of her old clothes as she is in nighties all the time....just feel I have to do things so I can cope.
    thanks for reading.
  2. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    Chard, Somerset
    I'm so sorry for your poor mum and how you must be feeling. Please don't feel guilty about what you have decided. DNR means that with luck she can leave peacefully with some dignity intact. I also totally understand your need to be 'doing something' - sorting the funeral and tidying clothes. I would be exactly the same. This disease leaves us helpless in every sense of the word. There is nothing we can do to make it better; all we can do is smooth the path.
  3. malengwa

    malengwa Registered User

    Jan 26, 2017
    I echo you cat64, my mum is similar following several utis over a few months . It's not bad to wish for her to be at peace, I feel the same. And I am finding I need to keep normality in my life through work, family too. I find it hard as I'm not nearby so weekly trips after work is all I can manage. Lots of people here going through or been there , do keep posting. Yes it's horrid.
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Im so sorry cat. This is a very hard stage, and just before Christmas too.
    I think your hope that she will pass away in her sleep will be granted, but it might take a little while.
  5. JackyJ

    JackyJ Registered User

    Mar 19, 2013
    Oh cat64 I’m so sorry, and going through similar at the moment.

    What keeps me going is doing the things mum would be doing, getting ready for Christmas and being with the family. I know it feels wrong somehow as how can life just carry on, but it must and that’s what our mums would do. But the jump our heart gets every time the phone rings, the endless waiting and hoping they find peace. I’d like to think things will get better but I fear the inevitable will be a release but heartbreaking.

    So in the last stage let’s try and remember that our mums would want us to not be sad and celebrate Christmas, let’s do it for them xx
  6. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    Hello there - I understand how you feel. Going through the same. Putting the DNR was hard but I know its right

    Hugs xx
  7. lemonjuice

    lemonjuice Registered User

    Jun 15, 2016
    Don't feel bad. It's probably extremely unlikely that you'll need to implement the DNR. It's only in the event of her having a heart attack and in my experience and according to my research very few dementia sufferers suffer heart attacks within the last 6 moths anyway.
  8. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    As it happens, today the care home manager called my sister, who has POA for health and welfare for our aunt, to discuss DNAR. We are fortunate in that her nephew and 5 nieces have been in agreement on every decision so far and are also agreed that a DNAR is now appropriate.
  9. Alicat64

    Alicat64 Registered User

    Jun 29, 2013
    thank you so much for the lovely words.....I've just been to see mum as she is in a new quiet lovely room and she decided to eat a whole yoghurt and a spoon of mash!! more than shes had in days...obviously what few calories she is eating are being used for breathing and as she is such a tough cookie I feel she will be with us for a while yet.!

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