Mum wants to go home and see her mum and dad, she is 83 years old

Brenlee

New member
Dec 4, 2023
1
0
Hi all,

Upsetting day yesterday, mum wants to go home, she lives in her own home and has carers coming in twice a day to give lunch and dinner so we can work. She has her dog with her and we go in each night to check all is OK and see her at the weekend. Yesterday she asked why we had moved her into this house, she wants to go home to see her mum and dad. I tried distracting her by saying it's cold and wet, she is safe in the house, I made a cup of tea but she still wants to go home. Have you had this happen and any advice you can give.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,318
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Brenlee welcome to the forum

Lots of people have experienced the “want to go home” issue. Sadly it’s very common with dementia. It’s possible your mum may have an infection - which can make elderly people extra confused - so if you think this may be the problem get her to the GP.

You’re doing the right thing by trying to distract and I can imagine how hard it is when this doesn’t work. Watch out for your mum leaving the house herself to go home as this could be dangerous, especially at this time of year. It might be worth registering her as a vulnerable person with the police so if she does get lost they know who to contact. Some police forces use The Herbert Protocol to do this.

It was shortly after my dad started not to recognise his own home that I realised he needed to be in a carehome to keep him safe. I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear but it might be worth looking as some homes just in case.
 

Anthoula

Registered User
Apr 22, 2022
2,097
0
Hi all,

Upsetting day yesterday, mum wants to go home, she lives in her own home and has carers coming in twice a day to give lunch and dinner so we can work. She has her dog with her and we go in each night to check all is OK and see her at the weekend. Yesterday she asked why we had moved her into this house, she wants to go home to see her mum and dad. I tried distracting her by saying it's cold and wet, she is safe in the house, I made a cup of tea but she still wants to go home. Have you had this happen and any advice you can give.
My OH talks about going to see his parents in some way or other every day. They would both be well over 100 if they were still around to-day, and they lived over 5,000miles away!!
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,303
0
Newcastle
Hi @Brenlee and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. My 82 year old wife often used to talk as though her parents were still alive. She wanted to go 'home' to see them. Her dad was still working at the (long demolished) shipyard. Wherever she was, her 'gran's house' was just across the way. Thinking this seemed to give her comfort and sometimes frustration that we couldn't go to her gran's for tea. It was almost like she had gone back to the time when she was at school.

The best I could do was to vaguely say that we would go some time, just not today for various reasons. If she asked me directly if her parents were alright, I always said they were. They had long passed from the mortal realm but telling her this would have caused distress.

With the progression of her Alzheimer's Disease she has become more content in her care home. She says little nowadays and not much that is coherent. Mam, Dad and Gran haven't featured for a considerable time. I do wonder though whether part of her contentment is the thought of them alive in an imaginary yesteryear. If so, there's no harm in that.
 

Harky

Registered User
Oct 13, 2021
116
0
Hi @Brenlee and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. My 82 year old wife often used to talk as though her parents were still alive. She wanted to go 'home' to see them. Her dad was still working at the (long demolished) shipyard. Wherever she was, her 'gran's house' was just across the way. Thinking this seemed to give her comfort and sometimes frustration that we couldn't go to her gran's for tea. It was almost like she had gone back to the time when she was at school.

The best I could do was to vaguely say that we would go some time, just not today for various reasons. If she asked me directly if her parents were alright, I always said they were. They had long passed from the mortal realm but telling her this would have caused distress.

With the progression of her Alzheimer's Disease she has become more content in her care home. She says little nowadays and not much that is coherent. Mam, Dad and Gran haven't featured for a considerable time. I do wonder though whether part of her contentment is the thought of them alive in an imaginary yesteryear. If so, there's no harm in that.
We're in our 80's and live independently at home. My wife daily asks where her mother is as she hasn't seen her for a few days. Eventually I found the best way to deal with it is to say that later, we'll get ready soon and head off to see them once we've had a snack. It works well for me because as you know, they quickly forget the conversation.
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
1,930
0
Surrey
It could almost be diagnostic this conversation- try different things and see what works for your mum.

With mine I usually tell her they’re fine and know she’s ok and it’s too late to travel etc…..if that doesn’t settle her we call my sister who says she will call them or pop round herself…..the distraction of then talking to someone else usually settles her…..

It goes in phases for mum…any change to her routine or the winter seems to make it worse…..I’ve been fortunate her mobility is such she can’t just take off.

Try a few things to see what works and after a few times you will also get hardened to the conversation and it will become less upsettting.
 

Harky

Registered User
Oct 13, 2021
116
0
Hi @Brenlee and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. My 82 year old wife often used to talk as though her parents were still alive. She wanted to go 'home' to see them. Her dad was still working at the (long demolished) shipyard. Wherever she was, her 'gran's house' was just across the way. Thinking this seemed to give her comfort and sometimes frustration that we couldn't go to her gran's for tea. It was almost like she had gone back to the time when she was at school.

The best I could do was to vaguely say that we would go some time, just not today for various reasons. If she asked me directly if her parents were alright, I always said they were. They had long passed from the mortal realm but telling her this would have caused distress.

With the progression of her Alzheimer's Disease she has become more content in her care home. She says little nowadays and not much that is coherent. Mam, Dad and Gran haven't featured for a considerable time. I do wonder though whether part of her contentment is the thought of them alive in an imaginary yesteryear. If so, there's no harm in that.
 

Harky

Registered User
Oct 13, 2021
116
0
Another issue I experienced in the early learning stages. She kept asking where my dad was. I assumed she meant my dad as she thought the world of him so tried saying he had passed away. I eventually realised she was hallucinating and thought I was one of our sons asking where I was.