“I want to go home”

[Kelly84]

Mum has been in a care home for a number of years. She has never settled, and has always been insistent she wants to go “home”. We went through a very difficult time a few years ago with DOLs etc, but she is now in a home which is near her sister, who visits weekly. My Sibling and I each live more than 5 hours away. I visit once every 6 weeks.

Mum does not seem to want to engage in anything. She never watches TV, listens to the radio, and refuses to leave her room.

Ive just had a call from her sister, very upset. She’s had a very difficult visit, with mum shouting at her, saying she wants to go home, telling her to leave, etc.


I‘ll be visiting this week. I know that when mum says she wants to go home, she wants to go a place she is safe, but what can I do? Is there anything I can ask the care home to do, or do myself, to make things better for mum, or indeed her sister?

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Kelly84 I am so sorry that your aunt had a difficult visit with your mum and it is only natural that you are now worried about your next visit. As you say, when your mum says that she wants to go home, she is probably thinking about some where that she feels safe or her childhood home and unfortunately that is just not possible.
It is a hard situation to deal with and all you and you aunt can try to do is to reassure your mum that she is safe, well cared for and loved. The care home should be well versed in dealing with these issues.

 

[Suzysheep01]

I find that if I visit my mum in the morning she is much better and when I leave at lunch time she doesn’t ask to go home etc. when I visit in the afternoon she will always ask to go home/ why am I here/ what is this place. She’s been there a year.

it’s a shame your mum isn’t encouraged to leave her room and join in or even just sit in the main room with company.

 

[DeeCee7]

Yes, morning visits are often better, before the “sundowning” comes a-calling. But with you living 5 hours away, that’s probably not an option. Your visit might go smoothly, and if it doesn’t, excuse yourself to the toilet and just slip away unnoticed. There’s no prizes for sitting out an unpleasant and upsetting experience. I have read before on other posts that the visitor has then gone off to have a treat somewhere, maybe a shopping trip, garden centre visit or a cream tea, whatever floats your boat. In fact, why not build this in to your visit anyway, a little restorative treat afterwards.
You said your mum has little interest in anything anymore, but is there something you can take in to look at together as a distraction to talk about, eg an old hobby of hers?

 

[Kelly84]

Thanks for your replies. The care home tries very hard to encourage her out of her room, but she won’t. I’ve made her a photo album of old family photos that I try to go through with her, although she often tells me “oh, you have a look, I’ve seen them all”.
lm going to get her a bowl of spring bulbs tomorrow, as she might enjoy see them grow (and they will be proof I’ve visited (as “no one ever visits”!).
My aunt and I are going together, and going for lunch afterwards

 

[DeeCee7]

That sounds a great plan. Very thoughtful idea of the spring bulbs. I do hope you and your Aunty enjoy your visit tomorrow!

 

[Kelly84]

Nope. Awful. She pretty much threw me out. “If you can’t get me out of here I dont want you here, and you shouldn’t bother coming back.”

Had a long chat with the carers - she is settled most of the time. I’m staying in the area so will go again in a few days time. Bloody horrible disease.

 

[amIinthewrong?]

Nope. Awful. She pretty much threw me out. “If you can’t get me out of here I dont want you here, and you shouldn’t bother coming back.”

Had a long chat with the carers - she is settled most of the time. I’m staying in the area so will go again in a few days time. Bloody horrible disease.

Like you said leaving it for a few days might help, make sure to give yourself some rest and do something you enjoy doing💐💐

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Kelly84 it is hard not to take these remarks personally but it is the disease. Fingers crossed for the next visit.

 

[DeeCee7]

Sorry to hear your visit was awful @Kelly84. That’s so disappointing and yes it’s a dreadful disease. I am pleased you had a long chat with the carers who could enlighten you on how she is settling, which sounds quite positive as it’s still early days. Good idea to have a break and try again. If it’s still the same response, you might want to consider just contacting the care home for updates for the time being. But hoping things go better next time.