Mum rewriting history

[HelenTW]

I've just got back from Mum's. She lives 80 miles away. I work and can only really go at weekends.
Dad died last year. He was Mum's carer. They were devoted to each other. Married over 60 years. Dad did everything for Mum. But today she told me he'd left her for another woman and
asked if I'd met his new girlfriend.
I'm really upset that she is thinking these things. Not just because it's not true, but she must be feeling so upset herself and does this mean she's lost the fond memories of him? Tried to explain about his illness and death and she briefly remembers but then repeats everything again later.
Just so upset, has anyone else experienced rewriting of history?

 

[karaokePete]

It’s called ‘confabulation’ and is a result of a flawed memory process. Your Mum knows that your Dad isn’t around and doesn’t recall the death so her mind makes up a logical explanation which becomes her truth.

I experienced the same thing with my wife all day yesterday when she stopped talking to me and wouldn’t cooperate with any request. I eventually got the reason from her and it turned out to be a confabulated version of a conversation that had occurred that morning and she had taken insult at her version of events.

 

[Trekker]

I’m sorry this is so upsetting. This sounds like a delusion, a fixed and false belief. Delusions are part of dementia, I’m afraid. Does your mother seem upset when she talks about your father leaving her another woman? As upset as she would be if she could understand and retain the understanding of his illness and death? If not then maybe this delusion is okay, distressing to you but far less distressing for her than the truth. If she doesn’t seem upset she probably isn’t, PWD aren’t exactly good at concealing their emotions. Maybe you could just play along with it, hard as that sounds it might actually be easier. Maybe say, ‘I hadn’t heard that’, before moving onto something else, eg, ‘Let’s have some tea and cake’. Trying to dissuade her of the truth won’t work for long, and if the price of convincing her is making her remember, however briefly her loss, is it worth it?

 

[HelenTW]

Thanks Trekker and KaraokePete. That's really helpful. I will try in future not to correct her as she seems sad but not devastated. I've tried to divert her today, but she does seem to get into "loops" of thought patterns.

Thanks again.

 

[Trekker]

Thanks Trekker and KaraokePete. That's really helpful. I will try in future not to correct her as she seems sad but not devastated. I've tried to divert her today, but she does seem to get into "loops" of thought patterns.

Thanks again.

Xxx

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It's awful, isn't it? My mum lives in a world of delusion and confabulation. It's actually a little easier now because she is at a later stage and I am used to hearing about her 2 sons in America (don't exist) or how she often has a 'fling'. (I think not!)

In the earlier stages (pre-diagnosis/crisis days) it was far more disconcerting when she'd throw a curved ball into the conversation, as it was often stuff I couldn't immediately verify one way or another! It seemed like the family secrets were being revealed in all their hideous glory. Could this stuff be true? Was my brother adopted? Was my father a philanderer and secret drinker? But the revelations got more weird and wonderful as time went on - it was actually one of the things that alerted me to mum's dementia though of course I was the only one privy to these 'secrets' so other family didn't believe me

I hope you can find a way to deal with it. The worst things, as I say, are the ones where you wonder if it might just be true...

 

[canary]

Im afraid this sort of thing is very common in dementia. KaraokePete has given a good explanation of what happens.
My mum was convinced that her husband (my dad), had left her and was living with his "fancy piece" in the flat upstairs.

In reality, he had died many years previously, there had never been another woman and , in fact, there was no upstairs flat as she lived in a bungalow............

 

[Jale]

Mum is similar, mum and dad were married for 63 years before he died. A few weeks ago mum took off her wedding ring and put in on her other hand saying she can't wear it on her left hand "wedding finger" because she has never been married. Mum very rarely speaks about dad and I don't know if it is because she has forgotten him or gone back memory wise to before she met him. Very sad

 

[northumbrian_k]

It often seems @HelenTW that what a person with dementia says - especially when it no longer reflects the truth and paints a weird version of 'reality' - is more upsetting for family members than it is for the person themselves. The key to this is in your post when you say that you are really upset that she is thinking these things. I'm afraid that there is nothing that that you can do about it. We all value our memories of good times with our families but once those memories become distorted there is no point grieving over them. If your Mum has forgotten about your Dad's death and has decided on her own version of the 'truth' there is absolutely nothing to be gained by trying to remind or correct her. You can see that the memories are gone but she doesn't see it in that way. The best course is to steer away from such conversations, which is easier said than done. Hope this helps.

 

[Loisand]

I've just got back from Mum's. She lives 80 miles away. I work and can only really go at weekends.
Dad died last year. He was Mum's carer. They were devoted to each other. Married over 60 years. Dad did everything for Mum. But today she told me he'd left her for another woman and
asked if I'd met his new girlfriend.
I'm really upset that she is thinking these things. Not just because it's not true, but she must be feeling so upset herself and does this mean she's lost the fond memories of him? Tried to explain about his illness and death and she briefly remembers but then repeats everything again later.
Just so upset, has anyone else experienced rewriting of history?

So so like my mom, she kept asking me if I was going to see dad and his new fancy piece, then because my older brother stayed with her one night with his wife, mom really spooked him by going into the bedroom and shouting "it's about time you come back to our bed instead of being with that *****", hence the reason why I'm mom's full time carer. No it doesnt mean she lost her fond memories of your dad...it's just that dam disease called Alzheimer's Dementia....hugs across the airwaves xx

 

[rainbowcat]

My mother died in a hospice of cancer. My father believes she committed suicide in the town hospital by taking pills that her GP gave her in order for her to kill herself. My father isn't distressed at all about this (neither am I, it's OK, just frustrating not to be believed!), he's annoyed that the GP won't tell him the truth.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Hi HELEN TW,

Its distressing isn't it. My Mum (PWD) is the same, rewrites history frequently. Tells all sorts of stories none of them true, all relating to her own personal history. Places she lived, jobs she had. She never talks about my dad, he passed away 25 years ago, she thinks a family friend is her husband. She thinks she owned my house before I lived in it, and all the furniture is hers. She said a lady lived in her house and kept it tidy while she was 'away for a few years', then when she came back she told the lady she had to go. Mum only remembers our children (her grandkids) as small children, not the adults they are now. She thinks people come in her house while she's out moving all her things around. Says people steal things from her (food out of the fridge and biscuits). She doesn't remember what she did yesterday, but will make up a story. She's obsessed with the neighbours, she gets worried if they are late coming home from work, and goes outside to check if their car is back and they are all home safe. Very sad.

oh @MrsV you could be describing my mum! She says all those things too

 

[DesperateofDevon]

It's awful, isn't it? My mum lives in a world of delusion and confabulation. It's actually a little easier now because she is at a later stage and I am used to hearing about her 2 sons in America (don't exist) or how she often has a 'fling'. (I think not!)

In the earlier stages (pre-diagnosis/crisis days) it was far more disconcerting when she'd throw a curved ball into the conversation, as it was often stuff I couldn't immediately verify one way or another! It seemed like the family secrets were being revealed in all their hideous glory. Could this stuff be true? Was my brother adopted? Was my father a philanderer and secret drinker? But the revelations got more weird and wonderful as time went on - it was actually one of the things that alerted me to mum's dementia though of course I was the only one privy to these 'secrets' so other family didn't believe me

I hope you can find a way to deal with it. The worst things, as I say, are the ones where you wonder if it might just be true...

My mum had people believe that I was the problem, only as the stories got more absurd was the reality of her illness revealed. But there are always those who would prefer to believe mum & still do

No my Dads not in the national papers rowing to America from Newquay with the police following him asking him to come home!!!

But hey .... I’d love it if he was & not in a CH

 

[DesperateofDevon]

My mother died in a hospice of cancer. My father believes she committed suicide in the town hospital by taking pills that her GP gave her in order for her to kill herself. My father isn't distressed at all about this (neither am I, it's OK, just frustrating not to be believed!), he's annoyed that the GP won't tell him the truth.

So so like my mom, she kept asking me if I was going to see dad and his new fancy piece, then because my older brother stayed with her one night with his wife, mom really spooked him by going into the bedroom and shouting "it's about time you come back to our bed instead of being with that *****", hence the reason why I'm mom's full time carer. No it doesnt mean she lost her fond memories of your dad...it's just that dam disease called Alzheimer's Dementia....hugs across the airwaves xx

OmG
I stopped staying over because of the hostility from my Mum.
So pleased I’m not the only one who woke up confronted with this

 

[Glokta]

It’s funny how the strange beliefs cancel each other out too, my mum thinks she has lived alone for 60 years in her bungalow (she’s 84) and was married to Mohammed Ali for 50 years, during which time they lived In a cottage down the road, which is actually where she lived with my dad for 30 years!

 

[northumbrian_k]

My wife's grandmother died at the age of 20 but was around to see her for lunch every school day and now lives (aged 131) in the bungalows that she can see from her care home. We'll be going there for tea tomorrow.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Latest one is my Dads in court for abusing children
The foul things my Mum says about family members are unbelievable
But yes some people like to believe the worst. Mums so convincing as well.
Hate having to say when asked that it’s all in her head. At least now some people realise that now.
not a lot of visitors anymore & Mum won’t go out anymore

 

[HelenTW]

Thanks to everyone who posted a response. I've not found a moment till now to bob back here to read them. I'm glad it's not just my Mum but on the other hand would not really want other carers to go through this. I will not try to correct her anymore. On the other hand, some of her stories are quite nice. She's been to Antarctica you know . And went with Dad to New Orleans and saw Louis Armstrong play. I've pulled myself together and will focus on the important stuff.