Mum refusing to go to respite- Her and Dad in danger of hurting one another.

[marsaday]

My Mum is living with her alcoholic husband. Even though he is trying to cope he is not equipped with the strength of character required to live with a dementia sufferer. He is drinking much less but is himself physically frail though sound of mind. They absolutely hate one another (have done all their lives).

When they used to fight before dementia, my Mum would have rarely argued back. She would have gone out to avoid the situation getting worse. But now she is getting more beligerant and even starting the arguments, which are always about old grievances (of which there are many). Lately they have nearly come to blows. He has a history of verbal abuse and threatening behaviour towards her. But now that she's fighting back there's are real danger someone is going to get hurt.

My Dad is now at the end of his tether(which was always extremely short). He says he wants to move out and I think that is going to be best all round even though she wouldn't last long on her own in the house. In the mean time SW is trying to get her to go to respite for a week or so to keep them from danger. Of course Mum sees it as the first step down the road to care and is point-blank refusing. She is right of course, as that's where it will ultimately end.

My question is what next? Can they force her into respite? I really don't feel I could get her there by force. I always have her up at the weekend and I really feel I can't face her today. Should I just leave them to it? She also has a history of going to shops to get whiskey and drinking it before she gets home. So there's also the worry that she'll do that if I don't show up today.

I feel like I'm saddled with a big, stubborn, unpredictable child. I feel nothing for her anymore. I have no more to give her. Any one who has read my previous posts will know that she has relied heavily on me since I was a child. I really feel like I don't care what happens to her next even if she's found drunk in the street and ends up in hospital though it would be me left to deal with that mess.

 

[Delphie]

If you really don't care and you dread helping out and you think you'll be able to fight off the guilt monster, then walk away. It sounds harsh but your mum being found drunk in the street might well force the issue and enable the social services to take a more active role.

Whatever you decide, it seems pretty clear that the situation as it is can't continue for much longer. I'd say let the social services know your concerns and that you're stepping out of the picture and see what happens next. A small crisis can sometimes have a positive long term outcome.

 

[Christinec]

Hi marsaday,
I am so sorry for your situation. Dementia is bad enough without the complications you are having to deal with. I have experience some of what you are dealing with. From what you say social work are aware of the problems and I think this sounds positive as they are not just ignoring the situation.

It is very hard to step back and live with the guilt of stepping back but sometimes you have to think about the fact that whatever you do it will not actual resolve some situations happily. I bet you have been trying for years to make it all better for your parents.

In my part of the UK social work can take out a guardianship order to protect a vunerable adult allowing them to be placed in care for their safety even if against their wishes. This had to be done for my mum in the end. It was a relief although at the time it was terrible.

At one point i was told by social work that nothing could be done until there was a crisis and I was also told at another point that they were aware that the fact I was around doing what I could so social work could have a wait and watch position rather than taking action sooner. Looking back these years had an enormous effect on my health and in the end my mum ended up in care against her wishes anyway. At least I know she is safe and well looked after now.

Maybe you have done everything you can and now is the time to stand back. Only you can judge this and if you do this I would say tell social work and anyone else involved (GP, CPN, carers etc) that you will no longer be involved in any way with this situation and also emphasise your concerns about your Mum's safety.

Wishing you all the best

 

[marsaday]

Thanks for your replies. I really am not sure what to do for the best. I have to ring the sw this morn and tell her if Mum has changed her mind-No! I think I'll say that I'm taking a step back at least for this week and leave her to her own devices. Of course what happens if they decide Mum not safe in own home. Can they take her by force? I think the sw is contacting vulnerable adults team. That would be horrific as she as at early enough stages to know where they are taking her. And to know that Dad would be staying-what a bitter twist of fate, as she has been the one to keep a roof over his head all these years.
It doesn't help of course that brother is not of the opinion that situation has reached crisis and I don't think he would agree to helping me get her there. He prefers to stick his finger in the dam every time a hole appears.

 

[suedch]

I know from your writing here that you would suffer too much guilt by walking away, as a family member you can force her into respite care and by the sounds of it that would be best all round. You know she would be safe and you would be able to relax at last. I feel like I just want to hug you and make you feel better and I know thats not possible. Go for the respite care... do it for all of your sakes and whatever the future holds,know that you did your best and whats more, you did your duty. take care of yourself xxx

 

[Grannie G]

That would be horrific

It is all horrific marsaday and the only outcome would be a massive compromise which will keep both parents safe. That should be the priority.

I do hope the SW can come up with a constructive suggestion.

Please post an update after you have spoken to her. I think you have little option other than to take a step back.

 

[Butter]

Sometimes walking away can be the most loving and responsible thing to do. And you cannot force anybody to do anything in the uk without using correct legal procedures. In the case of taking adult people into any kind of care - if they do not want to go - they either have to be arrested or sectioned.
My mother has been sectioned three times and after each time in hospital she has been better.

 

[marsaday]

Thanks again for your support. I wish I could tell my Mum (and that she would understand) that she doesn't get to have it at both ends. They took away my childhood and I'm not giving away any more of my adulthood. If I did though it would end up in an argument-with a dementia patient! Not a sensible thing to do.
My main worry is if she was sectioned-how do they actually physically remove her from the house?

 

[Butter]

It depends. With my mother they began with just one doctor (and another doctor's written consent) and a social worker. Sometimes that is fine. But my mother was very ill indeed and I'm afraid it ended up with an ambulance crew and the police as well!!!!!!! Another time the fireservices were involved - she was lighting fires.
My father tried to deal with her himself while they were all there - of course he was the only one who got hurt!
The professionals have done it many times before so whatever happens will not be unknown.

 

[marsaday]

Ok so here's what's happening today. Mum is going to day centre as usual and we (the social worker and I) are going to take her from there to the respite home. She doesn't know it of course! I have decided to go along and bring her some personal belongings. I think it is best to be brave and face it. To help me face it I'll just think of all the things she has put me through lately- Being found drunk in street by taxi drivers, neighbours and ambulances called. Neighbours callling the police due to them fighting and their worry about her safety in the house. Phone calls from vulnerable adults team while I was in London at my daughter's graduation to say that neighbours were worried. I could go on!
I am of course beside myself with anxiety but hey how hard can it be? I have faced worse in my life. It never ceases to amaze me though how dealing with a 'little old woman' can be so scary. How do they manage to have this affect on us?

 

[Witzend]

Ok so here's what's happening today. Mum is going to day centre as usual and we (the social worker and I) are going to take her from there to the respite home. She doesn't know it of course! I have decided to go along and bring her some personal belongings. I think it is best to be brave and face it. To help me face it I'll just think of all the things she has put me through lately- Being found drunk in street by taxi drivers, neighbours and ambulances called. Neighbours callling the police due to them fighting and their worry about her safety in the house. Phone calls from vulnerable adults team while I was in London at my daughter's graduation to say that neighbours were worried. I could go on!
I am of course beside myself with anxiety but hey how hard can it be? I have faced worse in my life. It never ceases to amaze me though how dealing with a 'little old woman' can be so scary. How do they manage to have this affect on us?

All the very best - do hope it goes (reasonably) OK. Such a worrying and stressful time for you.
And, oh, how I know what you mean about dealing with a 'little old woman'. What makes it so hard is that it's our parent and we have all this emotional baggage, feelings of guilt, etc.
Outsiders are able to be far more matter-of-fact about it.

 

[marsaday]

She's in! Only just though. Phew!! Post details later. Not a day I ever want to repeat.

 

[jenniferpa]

Well you managed it, no matter how bad it was. Post when you feel up to it.