Mum refusing to go away

[Tilly1278]

My mum has dementia and some other health conditions and is cared for 24/7 by my father with help from me. In order to give my dad a break and a change of scenery, we had booked a cottage holiday for them , us and our daughter, son in law and their children leaving this weekend. My dad is so looking forward to it and has been for months. My mum always has something wrong with her (quite often it can be a bit of constipation) but she is always "very poorly". If it isn't one thing its another and we generally let it go in one ear and out the other. She was always a bit of a hypochondriac but this has got worse since the dementia. We accept that she does have stomach issues (diverticular disease) and that she does get pain from that but if it isn't her tummy , then her back hurts, her arm hurts , her eye hurts etc etc etc. My dad waits on her hand and foot and she doesn't lift a finger..
This morning she has said that she is "too poorly " to go on holiday and seems pretty adamant - I told her that come what may , my dad will be going with my daughter and their great grandchildren and that I will be the one who stays at home with her. She said that she doesn't want me - she wants him , but I am adamant he will be going one way or another and if he doesn't then I would not go anyway.
I should have really seen this coming and tried to arrange some respite care , but I have left it too late now and I very much doubt she would agree to it anyway. I cannot get her to see that her actions are selfish and I wondered if anyone else had found themselves in a similar position and could maybe give me some advice?

Many thanks.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome @Tilly1278

I feel that it's more likely to be fear, than selfishness, that is creating the issue. Fear of change becomes common and it's what put a stop to the holidays that my wife and I once took.

You may have hit on the only solution. Whatever you decide to do I wouldn't 'discuss' the matter with your mum as people with dementia may never agree to anything. It often comes to making decisions and just taking them along.

Whatever you do, I wish you all strength.

 

[Jessbow]

She wants the safety and comfort of what she knows and knows she can rely on.

You told her, come what may, you will be removing the very thing she relies on 24/7 for her every need.

its difficult- she isnt being selfish

I'd not mention it again, just come saturday morning you all get in the car and just go ( And be prepared to come back if she is too unsettled

 

[canary]

Hello @Tilly1278
Im afraid that people with dementia lose the ability to see anything from anybody elses view point. They become unable to understand someone elses needs, or even to understand that they have needs of their own - it is not selfishness, it is the dementia. Your mum can only see that she needs your dad and is unaware of the toll this is taking on him. Anything different is frightening to her as she cannot even envisage what any change may mean. She is frightened about going away from her home and she is frightened about not having her husband there to reassure her and sort things out for her. She is probably at the stage where she is simply unable to do things now.

I would say nothing to her and hope she forgets about the weekend. Dont pack at a time when she can see it. Just assume that she is going and get her into the car. She may find that she enjoys it. Alternatively, you may find that her dementia has progressed to the level at which she cannot cope with being away from home and becomes very distressed, so that you will have to come home early.

 

[Moggymad]

This happened to my mum. She was always wanting to go away to the coast, was bored of her flat & surroundings so we arranged a short break for her with myself & partner. Took photos etc to show her where we were going & made sure the accommodation was suitable for her mobility etc. She had been looking forward to it but at the last minute mum changed her mind. Suddenly the boring familiarity of her flat & surroundings wasn't so bad after all!! Luckily I was able to reinstate the carers so we could still go away & she was very relieved. It brought it home to me how much mum needed to stay in familiar surroundings, despite what she said.

 

[Tilly1278]

Thank you so much everyone, your comments have made me look at things from an entirely different perspective and I can see that it isn't her being selfish ( it is me really). I think that we will go with the flow and see what happens on Saturday, maybe tell her we are going to drop the dog off for its weeks holiday as there is no room in the other car and that we will come straight back, maybe when we get there and she sees her great grandchildren (aged 4 and 1) who are beyond excited for this break and who she adores, she will be happy to stay. Fingers crossed.
I really do appreciate your comments.

 

[Cat27]

I think you’ll find this interesting @Tilly1278

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[canary]

Hi @Tilly1278 . I dont think you are being selfish either - your dad needs a break and it was good of you to arrange it. Its just that dementia has its own rules that are difficult to get your head round.
I hope your mum gets there and enjoys the stay and that your dad gets a break with other people around to help him. If it doesnt work out, though, dont feel guilty.

 

[Tilly1278]

Aww thank you so much everyone, I felt so lost this morning, now things seem much clearer. The piece about Compassionate Communication is amazing.