Mum is so sad

[cymbid]

Mum in care home awaiting assessment. She has altziemers and walking with Zimmer following broken hip.
She sits in her room. Takes meals in room too. Has been to dining room and 1 activity when persuaded but doesn't want to .
She just sits , staring at tv. She says she is just existing. Wants to go home.
When I tell her she couldn't manage she agrees. When I say she would need carers she says no.

 

[Suzysheep01]

It’s horrible isn’t it, so sad to see them withdraw.
can the carers/ activity team encourage her out? Can you ask that they make an extra effort to get her out and at least in the main room for a while.

 

[LynneMcV]

It's heart-breaking when we see our loved ones feeling so lost and sad.

I hope the activies team manages to encourage your mum out of her room a bit more. They will have dealt with this kind of situation before and I am sure they will be trying different strategies to help her feel happier and more at ease.

Unfortunately, I don't have any helpful suggestions at the moment, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and wishing the best for your mum.

 

[cymbid]

I spent the day wondering if she could go home. But. There are steps in and out of the house. The shower has a big step up. It's a gas fire with floor level control. She struggled with the tv remote before. They would need to disconnect the gas cooker. The list goes on. And that's before we get to cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. And off course the biggie, falling.

I just know she would be expecting my brother to be there on tap. He lives close by. I live 2 hours away.
We really dont want this. We want her somewhere safe.

I just wish she would try a little

 

[yoy]

I spent the day wondering if she could go home. But. There are steps in and out of the house. The shower has a big step up. It's a gas fire with floor level control. She struggled with the tv remote before. They would need to disconnect the gas cooker. The list goes on. And that's before we get to cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. And off course the biggie, falling.

I just know she would be expecting my brother to be there on tap. He lives close by. I live 2 hours away.
We really dont want this. We want her somewhere safe.

I just wish she would try a little

From what you said here it sounds as though you know that she needs care home care if she is to be safe. Give it time (for yourself and for her). It can take a while for people to settle in a care home, some take weeks, some months, some longer - how long is a piece of string. But they do tend to settle eventually, so give yourself a break, you are doing the right thing for her. Perhaps don't visit too often to start with, but when you do put on the biggest show of positivity and smile you can muster and be encouraging with her (easier said than done but give it a try). Hopefully she'll settle before too long.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

My mother stayed in her room and pretty much refused to come out for 3 years! She constantly complained she was bored but when I suggested she joined in with activities I was met with total refusal - why would I want to do that? They are not my sort of people. Some of them can't even read they're so stupid...!

However, the activities lady was pretty good with her - she would go into mum and paint her fingernails (which mum liked but always criticised after!) but more importantly, she'd spend time chatting with mum.

We all want our loved ones to be safe, cared for and happy in their care home. Unfortunately, the latter is not always possible. Dementia wins.

 

[cymbid]

Thankyou everyone. I was in today, I was telling mum she really should try and go to some of the activities. They never tell me what's on she said. The activities lady walked by so i called to her. She said she had asked mum yesterday if she would like to come to the art class. Got a firm no. So, then she said she would come for mum with a wheelchair , so she didn.t have to walk so far and take her this afternoon to a concert downstairs. Mum agreed to go . I told the lady " just put her in the chair and take her , If you ask she will always say no" Im hoping it went well .

 

[Knitandpurl]

I agree about the always saying “no”. If I asked my Mum if she wanted to do anything the answer was always no, so I’d walk into her room (or collect her from the lounge) saying : e.g we’re going out for coffee/walk/ to meet grandson with his dog, Or I’ve brought up the dominos for us to have a game etc etc. Until the last 2 weeks of her life she went along with it and was always brighter afterwards.

 

[TMH]

Mum in care home awaiting assessment. She has altziemers and walking with Zimmer following broken hip.
She sits in her room. Takes meals in room too. Has been to dining room and 1 activity when persuaded but doesn't want to .
She just sits , staring at tv. She says she is just existing. Wants to go home.
When I tell her she couldn't manage she agrees. When I say she would need carers she says no.

Has mum been in there long? Dad went into respite while we made adaptations to his home. He hated it, spent the first 2 months in his room before gradually coming out, and he really settled. It was a shame he had to come home, the social aspect I think did him good. Mum may come around, give her and yourself time x

 

[cymbid]

She has been in hospital since end april. and in the home only a fortnight.

 

[Toopie28]

It takes time. Lord knows it takes time. On our 6th month now and I swear it feels like 6 years.

Ma looks so sad and upset when I see her or speak to her. My heart breaks. Every. Time.
Luckily the staff talk and guide - so they will go and take her arm and say, why don't we go to... and take her there. Now sometimes she leaves and they let her be, but they do try. It helps staff too as they are in the same place.

I understand wanting to take her back home but in time, this WILL be her home. She's safe and that's important.

Plus very new right now and it will become routine. And the staff should be able to help coax her out of her room to participate.

Good luck - it's a hard road but we're here 🤗

 

[LynneMcV]

I hope your mum attended and enjoyed the concert downstairs today @cymbid 🎶

 

[lynnefisher]

Mum in care home awaiting assessment. She has altziemers and walking with Zimmer following broken hip.
She sits in her room. Takes meals in room too. Has been to dining room and 1 activity when persuaded but doesn't want to .
She just sits , staring at tv. She says she is just existing. Wants to go home.
When I tell her she couldn't manage she agrees. When I say she would need carers she says no.

My mum has been in a care home for three weeks after living independently for so long in her bungalow. She has dementia and when she had a fall and broke her ankle this became so much worse. Shes having to use a zimmer frame for the first time ever. So in the care home, which is certainly where she needs to be now, she is being encouraged to join in with things and she's settling into a routine. But she tells me it's not very nice in the home...that there are nasty people there and she told my sister not to bother visiting her any more. So there is an underlying giving up going on.
I think your mums attitude is similar to my mums. She knows she cant look after herself anymore and yet struggles with the carers. I wish I could just take her out of the place ...but it would be impossible. I live 2 hours away and would have to look after her in her bungalow and give up my life. It's a hell of a learning curve and emotional journey for us and our loved ones. On a positive note music seems to bring her out of herself and brighten her up and the care home is a really good one. I hope your mum settles soon @cymbid.

 

[lynnefisher]

She has been in hospital since end april. and in the home only a fortnight.

Very similar to my mum for the the timescale and early days.

 

[lynnefisher]

Very similar to my mum for the the timescale and early days.

And I live 2 hours away too...my sister is local but we are very different characters...

 

[cymbid]

So it is now 4 weeks since mum went into a care home for assessment following discharge from hospital. She was in hospital for broken hip for 8 weeks. Her total time away from home is now 3 months. We still havnt been allocated a social worker.
We are treading water waiting for assessment to see which home would suit and have vacancies.

Meanwhile, although se now eats in the dining room and attends some activities , she is adamant that she hates it and wants to be home.
She is aware she could not look after herself but is insistent.

We would need a new level entry shower, in a small bathroom. Gas fire removed. Gas cooker removed. Lots of excess furniture removed from lounge. She already had bed there.

Not t o mention her love of disconnecting phones. tv. alarm systems and not wanting carers.

 

[TMH]

She has been in hospital since end april. and in the home only a fortnight.

Yeah, give her time. Dad was in 8 months and when I came to take him home, he looked really unsure and took ages to settle down. We’re now 7 months at home, I have no life, my relationship is crumbling and I think dad is quite lonely. A lot of the time I wish I’d left him in the care home because he’d adapted. You feel guilty either way so in my honest opinion, although I have no plans to put him back into care (simply because he won’t remember he’d been and settled before) I would let mum stay in the care home. You can still maintain your mother/daughter relationship and you’ll know that no matter what, she’s safe x