mum is refusing help with dad

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by kat62, Feb 20, 2011.

  1. kat62

    kat62 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2011
    2
    manchester
    dont know what to do anymore...dad has dementia and suffers from depression, he is very confussed and frightened ,constantly aggitated..........he will not leave mum alone for a second, its very sad but is pushing my mum over the edge. she is refussing to accept any outside help and there is only so much time available for me to be there................she trys really hard but dad is very difficult and totally draining............mum ends up shouting and screaming at dad making him much worse...........somebody please help am at my wits end
     
  2. Logan

    Logan Registered User

    Nov 1, 2010
    799
    So sorry to read your posting here, kat. Of course you are at your wits ends with the situation you are seeing with your parents. I can sympathetise with your Mum. Clearly, she is a loving and caring person and feels that it her place to do everything and watch over. She, and you, sound exhausted. I am wondering if Mum's GP appreciates what she is going through. Gently, gently with Mum, and yourself. How about another sympathetic chat with her and hopefully you will be able to instil in her your concerns for her, and Dad of course. You did right to come to this site for support, care and compassion. Others will be along shortly, I am sure, to support you with their views gained from their own experience. With love and kindly thoughts. Lx
     
  3. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    It is hard but if your Mum does not want outside help you can hardly force it on her. As suggested just try to be gentle and understanding but every now and then suggest she gets extra help.

    I was in a similar state some years ago, never wanting intrusion other than from family and friends. Eventually it becomes a necessity and maybe your Mother is not far from that point.

    It may help to ring the local Alzheimer's Society and find out if they have suggestions. We went along to 'cafes' which were either coffee mornings, lunches or just meetings of carers and sufferers. This helped me to share with others. Your Mother may benefit from something like that.
     
  4. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Really sorry to read this about your mum, Kat. I wonder if you would feel OK about approaching your dad's GP for a word, if your mum really won't try to accept that she needs support? Do you have any brothers or sisters to share this worry with?
     
  5. larivy

    larivy Registered User

    Apr 19, 2009
    5,225
    essex
    Hi kat I know how hard it is for you and your mum I must admit to being like her with mum I won't accept help from others only my brothers which has taken me awhile to accept that and a few words from them so be patient with her as beckyjan said the time will come when she will accept it good luck love larivy
     
  6. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    3,724
    Yorkshire
    Kat, hi
    So very sorry to hear how difficult things are for you all, it's heartbreaking to watch and try to help.

    Have you told your mum how you feel, how it's affecting you and your life, it's so not easy but sometimes having a break from thinking about her own situation and how it's affecting her might help to open her horizons a bit see who else is suffering because she will not look for help and support.

    As you say it is detrimental to your dad to be treated badly for having this awful disease, I'm sure he really cannot help it but your mum can.

    Have you contacted your local Alzheimer's Society branch and found out what is available.

    Take good care of yourself, I hope your parents situation becomes happier soon. with best wishes from Jo
     
  7. sunny

    sunny Registered User

    Sep 1, 2006
    598
    Sorry to hear about your woes, but do you know why your Mum is so against accepting outside any help?

    Is is to do with finance, embarrassment, shame, lack of where to turn to?
     
  8. crazychick

    crazychick Registered User

    Feb 18, 2011
    9
    portsmouth hants
    AH you poor thing!, this is the best place to come for support. if you read through you'll see that many people have gone through wha t you're going through now.
    Your mum probably feels that it's her place to care for your dad as as shes his wife, but this should not be at the risk of her own health.
    Try and talk with mum gently and explain that there are many options open to her and there are people willing to help, just to give her a little rest.
    sending you a hug
    :)
     
  9. Bastan

    Bastan Registered User

    Feb 10, 2011
    483
    Manchester
    Kat I am sorry to hear you are so distressed. It's so hard for everybody facing this nasty disease. I see you are in Manchester, are your parents there too. Do they attend any of the cafes that are run there. There is opportunities to attend in north, central or south Manchester.

    I know this is not the nature of your post but stay with me. I think if mum mixes with other carers and sufferers she will learn such a lot. How they cope, help they receive and general chit chat, whilst enjoying a cuppa and a piece of cake.

    I don't know their ages but I have often encountered a lot of pride in older generations. Insisting the don't want strangers in their home. If she won't accept help in, would she consider letting dad go to a day centre.

    I had a long period in the early days when my OH was my constant shadow and it is very draining. Understanding they do this because they feel safe with you helps, but not always, and frustration can win through. It is easy for others to judge but when you live with it 24 seven it is natural to lose it sometimes.

    Wishing you a lot of luck winning mum over. xxx
     

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