Mum is bored and lonely

[holiss]

Mum is often bored and lonely throughout the day. She has no interests or hobbies and despite me encouraging her to attend day centre or other community activities they are not for her. She doesn't have much social interaction besides my visits each day, and relatives popping in briefly throughout the week. She doesn't really watch TV, never has. She just watches CCTV camera at home and can see who comes and goes. She doesn't want the radio on, doesn't read or do any puzzle books. She has the odd friend who may phone, but phones me numerous times through the day after my daily visits, often asking the same questions. I don't know what to do. She tells me what a boring old day it is. She doesn't go out once in. Friends have said they can visit or go for coffee, but she isn't interested. She has never really entertained at her home, preferring to go to others. Though since onset of Dementia, she doesn't visit friends anymore and they hardly visit her.

She doesn't think she needs a carer, nor does she want one. I am managing things as best as I can though it can be stressful with her at times. She is still quite independent. She does go out every day for breakfast, which is great, so interacts/or people watches a little then. After which, she is at home for the rest of the day/night. My brother is with her most evenings. Though I don't think they interact much but reassuring for her that someone is there.

I contacted AGEUK to look into a befriender service, there is a possibility of a telephone befriender but I don't think this will work for her, I thought perhaps 121 would be better if I am initially present, but they couldn't recommend in my area.

I feel so sad for my mum, but I'm running out of ideas. I have been getting the newspaper and magazines for her to flick thru but I don't think she really bothers. I'm finding the calls really frustrating as its constant. she doesn't seem to call anyone else. I do have to ignore them sometimes. I'm doing the best that I can, but also struggle at times. I'm considering an assessment to see if she can get a carer, even though she is really against this.

I don't know what else to do and would welcome any suggestions.

Thanks

H

 

[cymbid]

my mother was never a reader , never listened to music or radio . She will sit watch tv all day (mostly falling asleep) She never had women friends she went out with . Only my dad . He has been gone for 10 years . She relies totally on my brother and I and cant seem to see it is wearing for us. Now she is in hospital , she has company (nurses buzzing about , cleaners etc ) she is quite happy . Im hoping she moves to care rather than back home

 

[Violet Jane]

@cymbid, this reminds me of when my mother was in hospital before (on the firm recommendation of the hospital SW) she moved into a care home. In response to an enquiry about how she was finding hospital my mother said that it was alright and that there was a lot going on. That comment plus the fact that she never once mentioned her home were important factors in my decision to follow the SW's recommendation rather than argue that she should return home. My mother was bored and lonely at home. She received few visits. My siblings lived abroad; I lived an hour and a half away and had youngish children and there was no other family. As a result, she spent most of her time on her own. Remaining at home is not always the best option.

 

[holiss]

Thanks for replying. I think when my mum was last in hospital she actually enjoyed it too, watching what was going on around her. Sometimes I wonder if she would be better in a care home, at least there would be people around, but I know at this point it is not something that she would want or is even ready for. Its just sad to see her this way, just there by herself with very little stimulation and so dependent on me. I feel helpless at times.

 

[TheCoachman]

I have very much a similar situation - my mum never had any friends and won't go to any activities - she wants no company but mine / and of course is bored a lot of the time (tv always on though doesn't know what the programmes were about - and she sleeps a lot during the day).
I worry that all the day sleeping will lead quickly to sundowning.
My parents always lead an isolated life - were snobs - critical of everyone and that is engrained in my mum,

I have noticed that my mum has become more and more the person she always was - and I can't turn her into someone else or make her happy at this stage of her life.

My advice is let it be and don't worry too much - you can only do what you can and may not be able to 'fix' it for her - there are lots of stories about people like your mum suddenly loving a day centre or the company of residential care or enjoying the carers company. But there are also lots of people who don't change at all. Be kind to yourself - it's nice that you are so concerned.
Peter

 

[Collywobbles]

When I call in the evening, my Mum always tells me with a sad sigh, that she’s bored and hasn’t done anything all day. She might have had grandsons and visitors in and out all day,or gone out for lunch or tea with Dad, but she doesn’t remember any of it. So even if you find things to engage the person, it probably won’t be remembered or do any good in anything other than the moment.

On the upside, if my Mum is anything to go by, they don’t remember receiving or making phone calls, either. If you find the repeated calls with the same questions start to grate, you could probably let them go to voicemail and it won’t do any harm to your Mum. If she’s like mine, she’ll have forgotten trying to call as soon as she’s hung up.

 

[themagicstar]

Mum is often bored and lonely throughout the day. She has no interests or hobbies and despite me encouraging her to attend day centre or other community activities they are not for her. She doesn't have much social interaction besides my visits each day, and relatives popping in briefly throughout the week. She doesn't really watch TV, never has. She just watches CCTV camera at home and can see who comes and goes. She doesn't want the radio on, doesn't read or do any puzzle books. She has the odd friend who may phone, but phones me numerous times through the day after my daily visits, often asking the same questions. I don't know what to do. She tells me what a boring old day it is. She doesn't go out once in. Friends have said they can visit or go for coffee, but she isn't interested. She has never really entertained at her home, preferring to go to others. Though since onset of Dementia, she doesn't visit friends anymore and they hardly visit her.

She doesn't think she needs a carer, nor does she want one. I am managing things as best as I can though it can be stressful with her at times. She is still quite independent. She does go out every day for breakfast, which is great, so interacts/or people watches a little then. After which, she is at home for the rest of the day/night. My brother is with her most evenings. Though I don't think they interact much but reassuring for her that someone is there.

I contacted AGEUK to look into a befriender service, there is a possibility of a telephone befriender but I don't think this will work for her, I thought perhaps 121 would be better if I am initially present, but they couldn't recommend in my area.

I feel so sad for my mum, but I'm running out of ideas. I have been getting the newspaper and magazines for her to flick thru but I don't think she really bothers. I'm finding the calls really frustrating as its constant. she doesn't seem to call anyone else. I do have to ignore them sometimes. I'm doing the best that I can, but also struggle at times. I'm considering an assessment to see if she can get a carer, even though she is really against this.

I don't know what else to do and would welcome any suggestions.
I have tried a befriend long service in tune and wear. Been told doesn't exist. It's a waste of time. We r on our own im afraid

Thanks

H

 

[themagicstar]

No face to face befriending service in tune and wear
We r all on our own unfortunately