I feel like I’m in the middle of a nightmare.
My sister and I have been looking after our parents for a few years with help from family friends and carers. Dad has always had health concerns and mum cared for him and then mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2020. We have tried our best to keep them at home including retiring early (I’m so glad I did as we’ve had some lovely times) a 3x day care package (although they resisted any help). My dad has recently been in hospital again and nearly died again and his mobility is now even worse meaning he can’t get himself up out of a chair or do stairs. They can’t have a stairlift as he can’t operate one and not good for mum anyway we are advised. The carers they had 3 times a day were advising us they were not safe at home as mum had done some other things due to her dementia (involving the oven) and dad was bringing himself downstairs when he could do the stairs but was very unsafe so they said they dreaded arriving and finding him at the bottom of the stairs each morning.
With agreement from dad and mum (as much as she could understand in the moment) we agreed they would go into respite to help dad recover when he came out of hospital and see if they liked the place. Mum visited the place with us a couple of times. It was very hard for dad as he hadn’t even seen the place.
It’s a lovely place in the town they have lived all their lives which was important to them, they have a bedroom and a private lounge which we’ve tried to make lovely for them with their own things. There are also lovely shared areas.
I know it’s early days but my mum is hateful towards us, she says the most terrible things and threatens to kill herself or smash the place up. She wasn’t like this before but we realise she had deteriorated in the month when dad was in hospital although we looked after her 24/7 and went to see dad every day. She is begging all her visitors to take her home and saying we have put her in there. She is very angry but then has small pockets of thinking it’s a lovely place and how lucky they are to be there which makes you feel like you are living in a parallel world tbh. Dad try’s to help but he is very weak and whilst he has capacity he doesn’t have insight into the risk they were in. Also if he defends us mum turns on him. He keeps saying to us that he just wants to be with mum.
I feel utterly bereft. I keep thinking what else we could have done but I can’t see an option and there would prob have been something awful happen at home. However I feel so guilty that the decision we made has resulted in this awful time and her distress. It’s been hard and worrying for a long time and now dad has deteriorated they just weren’t safe. We considered 24 hour home care but the money just wasn’t there to fund this as it’s in their property.
The home say this is normal for some people and hopefully she will settle. They are trying different things.
Any words of advice appreciated as I just feel numb, guilty, constantly sad and not sleeping very well at all so I’m exhausted.
My sister and I have been looking after our parents for a few years with help from family friends and carers. Dad has always had health concerns and mum cared for him and then mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2020. We have tried our best to keep them at home including retiring early (I’m so glad I did as we’ve had some lovely times) a 3x day care package (although they resisted any help). My dad has recently been in hospital again and nearly died again and his mobility is now even worse meaning he can’t get himself up out of a chair or do stairs. They can’t have a stairlift as he can’t operate one and not good for mum anyway we are advised. The carers they had 3 times a day were advising us they were not safe at home as mum had done some other things due to her dementia (involving the oven) and dad was bringing himself downstairs when he could do the stairs but was very unsafe so they said they dreaded arriving and finding him at the bottom of the stairs each morning.
With agreement from dad and mum (as much as she could understand in the moment) we agreed they would go into respite to help dad recover when he came out of hospital and see if they liked the place. Mum visited the place with us a couple of times. It was very hard for dad as he hadn’t even seen the place.
It’s a lovely place in the town they have lived all their lives which was important to them, they have a bedroom and a private lounge which we’ve tried to make lovely for them with their own things. There are also lovely shared areas.
I know it’s early days but my mum is hateful towards us, she says the most terrible things and threatens to kill herself or smash the place up. She wasn’t like this before but we realise she had deteriorated in the month when dad was in hospital although we looked after her 24/7 and went to see dad every day. She is begging all her visitors to take her home and saying we have put her in there. She is very angry but then has small pockets of thinking it’s a lovely place and how lucky they are to be there which makes you feel like you are living in a parallel world tbh. Dad try’s to help but he is very weak and whilst he has capacity he doesn’t have insight into the risk they were in. Also if he defends us mum turns on him. He keeps saying to us that he just wants to be with mum.
I feel utterly bereft. I keep thinking what else we could have done but I can’t see an option and there would prob have been something awful happen at home. However I feel so guilty that the decision we made has resulted in this awful time and her distress. It’s been hard and worrying for a long time and now dad has deteriorated they just weren’t safe. We considered 24 hour home care but the money just wasn’t there to fund this as it’s in their property.
The home say this is normal for some people and hopefully she will settle. They are trying different things.
Any words of advice appreciated as I just feel numb, guilty, constantly sad and not sleeping very well at all so I’m exhausted.
