Mum hates me.

[Rebecca.s]

I don't know what to do. Before mum had dementia, disagreements would arise and resolve in the usual course of things. Now, she holds paranoid delusions about people that just don't budge. Now it's me.

I should say my mum has no concept of her illness. Its taken the worst parts of her personality and put them on steroids. We had a rather awful family christmas where she fell out with my dad over how she treated him. He's broken and was struggling with how vicious and condescending she was being. I know the advice is to just go along with whatever the patient says but I just think that's so impractical in reality when they look at you like dirt, accuse you, argue everything you do like offering to help with their coat, and make up stories about things you've done - as she was doing with dad in front of family.

Anyway, I agreed with dad that her words and demeanour suggested she was unhappy at Xmas. She accused me of interfering and stirring dad up. She flew into a rage about not wanting to do Christmas how we did it and she added that she never wanted to see me again.

She's now firmly of the belief I interfere in my parents relationship. It's to such an extent she told the police the reason she recently got lost and became a missing person (three police forces out looking for her) is because I'm trying to split their relationship. She said she knew my dad was on the phone to me (he wasnt) and so she walked off because she was annoyed.

How on earth do I deal with that? She firmly believes it to be the case now. Do I ring and upset her further? Do I go with the guidance and agree her ludacris reality? If not, then should i distract.... but she's so firm in her delusion she wont reason(as dementia patients cant!) Or let me distract because she genuinely holds awful views of me now. I should add she has always been fairly vile towards the relationship I have with dad. Because she was never warm or loving towards me but dad was, she's always shown jealousy of it. She's the type of mum who never tells you they love you or are proud whereas dad can't stop saying it. Again, dementia has put that on steroids.

My dad is now even more alone in dealing with this and she and he are missing their newborn granddaughter grow up. My heart is broken for dad.

My head spins with what to do when I am currently no less evil than the devil himself to her.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and especially to any replies. I am so grateful. I have spent this past couple of years grieving my mum and I am now only realising how much that's impacted me

 

[Bettusboo]

That’s so sad for you and for your Dad. I learned with my parents that there was no point arguing, it makes things much worse and distraction and getting alongside them helps the most in keeping things calm. I wonder whether your mum needs any further assessment around her mental health needs. Also, has there been a social care assessment to make sure your mum and dad are getting all the support they need. It’s hard as a family member where there is a history of a difficult relationship as everything can become more heightened. But if you want to be helpful I think it’s important to remember what is going on for the person with dementia, how distressing it must be for them and when you are blamed and scapegoated, it is the irrational dysfunctional part of the brain talking that is caused by the disease. Easier said than done, I know from experience and so you also have to look after yourself so you can keep supporting if that’s what you want to do.

 

[Bettusboo]

And just to add - walk away if it gets too much. I found I could do more harm than good if I was in a state myself and just had to give myself space at times. That could be for five minutes or five hours or five days if you know your mum is going to be safe if you are not there. And if she isn’t, then social care involvement and additional support is definitely needed.

 

[canary]

My mum was living by herself and became convinced that I was stealing from her, shouting at her and hitting her (I wasnt). As you say, you cannot reason with them, mum wouldnt entertain the possibility that she was wrong, or even mistaken.

The problem is that people with dementia reach a stage (often quite early on) where they lose self insight and are unable to understand that they have changed. They aware that things around them are not going as they expect and that Something is wrong, but they are unable to understand that this Something is actually them. So they think that it is the people around them - especially their main carer(s) that is causing the problems. Your mums made up stories are confabulations where their unconscious brain is filling in the gaps in their memory with false memories (which seem to them to be the real thing) to try and make sense of what is happening. If you try and say that this didnt happen it will make them angry because they know that it did because they remember it.......

It is impossible to argue against this, but although the advise is to agree with their delusions, this scenario is the exception. I found with mum that I used to say "Im sorry you feel like that" a lot and I had to walk away and step back a lot. Eventually there was a crisis and mum moved into a care home and, once she had settled, I became her daughter again and she was always pleased to see me.

I agree that SS should be involved and if your mum is becoming violent towards your dad then he should call the police when she is kicking off. The police have the authority to contact the emergency psychiatric team. I would also contact their GP as there is medication which might help

 

[Bettusboo]

I agree that the ‘Im sorry you feel like that’ is needed at times. Also, ‘ I don’t want to talk about this anymore’ helped and after I’d given myself a break I found my Dad had often forgotten what he was accusing me of.

 

[Fugs]

Hi @Rebecca.s , have you asked your Dad what your Mum is like when you are not around? I found that Christmas upset my wife's routine (nothing to your level) and that once my eldest had gone home she settled back to being calmer. The week between Christmas and New Year is almost too long for her.
It is a real shame that she seems unable to enjoy her Grandchild, and must be very difficult for you.