Mum is in the middle stage of Alzheimer's. I am the main carer,but very luckily have a lot of support from family members who offer care on a regular basis, so I get respite. However, we are all experiencing problems with getting our mum to wash herself daily. We have all tried various gentle ways of raising the issue (it has been about 6 weeks) but she is very defensive and a) will not admit that she does not wash daily and b) gets very deeply hurt and upset that we all think she is not "clean". Mum is at home and is gradually finding it difficult if anything changes in her daily schedule. Her sleeping is eratic, and she mostly sleeps during the day, as she is fearful at night (I will sleep in the same room with her at night but am On alert when she walks about at night). We are taking each day as it comes, but so worried about how to ensure mum washes herself daily . I would welcome any advice about how to talk to mum about this, as she would be mortified! Sorry to go on so,........
Mum has stopped washing herself - a very difficult conversation
- Thread starter Dee M
- Start date
I had this problem with dad, I just couldn't believe that my super clean and tidy dad was no longer having a wash and that he was also wearing the same clothes day after day.
I had actually moved in with him by this time so was able to monitor whether he had washed or not and he hadn't, in fact he didn't have a proper wash for a year to my knowledge but it could have been longer. Every evening dad would announce that he was just going for a sloosh (seaman's term for a wash) and he would wander into the bathroom while I hovered outside listening. He would go in there, have a wee then spend 5 or 10 minutes pottering about and moving things, then he would come out and say 'well that feels better' I used to go and check the bathroom, the sink would be dry, he never even turned the tap on, the bar of soap was like a dried up biscuit but he truly believed that he had had a wash. I could never understand this, I think I once said to him 'You have not had a wash' but he was adamant that he had so I gave up arguing with him because I was not going to convince him so I think it is likely that your mum believes that she is having a wash just like my dad did.
If it is any consolation to you and I don't suppose it will be but my dad never smelt although he never went out so he probably never had the chance to get really dirty. He would have worn the same clothes for ever but I used to swap his dirty outfit for a clean one every couple of days. His shirts and pants were all the same and I rotated his 2 pairs of jogging bottoms without him noticing.
I am sorry this is probably not much help to you and like you say, your mum would be mortified if she realised and I know my dad would have been too but I have read many similar posts on this forum, it is very common. Others may reply with more useful answers.
Hello, @Dee M
What yourself and @Duggies-girl describe is so common with people challenged with dementia. My mum would never have had a shower anyway, having been of the generation where one bath a week, then several washes at the sink was the order of the day.
At first, it was very difficult to get her to wash. And even now, insisting on a daily wash wouldn't be worth the hassle. More often than not, she'll also sleep in the same clothes she's been wearing in the day, so I've found it best to be flexible in that regard!
What normally happens now is as follows - nearly every day or night, she'll have a bit of a bladder leak. Being wet is uncomfortable, of course, so she always accepts me helping her to change her bottom half. Most of the time, I'll hand her a couple of wet wipes (thank God she can still do this herself), and she'll wipe front and back. I have to mime to her how to do this, a lot of the time.
About twice a week, I run a bowl of warm water with shower gel, with one flannel she'll wash front and back again. Then I always say "Let's kill two birds with one stone" and I'll wash under her busts with another flannel - again, she readily welcomes this as she's had trouble with sweat rashes there in the past (she holds them up). Sometimes she'll even accept me washing under her arms and back. So it's been gentle persuasion over a period of time that's got us to this.
Same with her hair - at first it was very tough, now she agrees to me washing it under the shower, while she leans over the bath - about every 7 to 10 days. I always say how good it looks, what great condition it's in, afterwards.
Dentures - again, at first, very difficult, now she'll take them out (I have to mime how she'd do it), then I'll wash them while she rinses her mouth. All this with gentle persuasion (except first time with the dentures).
Like you, I slept in the same room at night (on the floor) for 3 months, but then for my own mental health, went back to my own bedroom. That made a big difference to me, and was accepted by my mum.
What yourself and @Duggies-girl describe is so common with people challenged with dementia. My mum would never have had a shower anyway, having been of the generation where one bath a week, then several washes at the sink was the order of the day.
At first, it was very difficult to get her to wash. And even now, insisting on a daily wash wouldn't be worth the hassle. More often than not, she'll also sleep in the same clothes she's been wearing in the day, so I've found it best to be flexible in that regard!
What normally happens now is as follows - nearly every day or night, she'll have a bit of a bladder leak. Being wet is uncomfortable, of course, so she always accepts me helping her to change her bottom half. Most of the time, I'll hand her a couple of wet wipes (thank God she can still do this herself), and she'll wipe front and back. I have to mime to her how to do this, a lot of the time.
About twice a week, I run a bowl of warm water with shower gel, with one flannel she'll wash front and back again. Then I always say "Let's kill two birds with one stone" and I'll wash under her busts with another flannel - again, she readily welcomes this as she's had trouble with sweat rashes there in the past (she holds them up). Sometimes she'll even accept me washing under her arms and back. So it's been gentle persuasion over a period of time that's got us to this.
Same with her hair - at first it was very tough, now she agrees to me washing it under the shower, while she leans over the bath - about every 7 to 10 days. I always say how good it looks, what great condition it's in, afterwards.
Dentures - again, at first, very difficult, now she'll take them out (I have to mime how she'd do it), then I'll wash them while she rinses her mouth. All this with gentle persuasion (except first time with the dentures).
Like you, I slept in the same room at night (on the floor) for 3 months, but then for my own mental health, went back to my own bedroom. That made a big difference to me, and was accepted by my mum.
Last edited:
Wow! "Neveradullday", you are deploying some awesome skills by getting all this achieved. Others on this thread also have dome great tips. I have been frustrated with the lack of advice available for persuading loved ones to keep up basic hygiene...alot out there is for very late stages. She went 6 weeks without showering/bathing. I've now started waking up my mum in law with a cheery "morning" (although it's always afternoon by the time she wakes up), a cup of tea and an instruction that it's "shower day". I then put the heating on and hope she won't refuse! TBH if/when she does I'm going to refuse to take her to see her hubby (in a care home) until she does shower. I've realised I have to be alot more direct/instructional/mean.
She also lies about basic things ie hand washing-she never washes her hands. I've tried bright soap (visual cue), verbal reminders etc but the only time she ever washes her hands is occasionally on return from the care home, or after I divert her to a token garden task or craft activity-and only then after I tell her to wash her hands.
We're currently trying to get her to wear pull up pants, but having such a battle. She doesn't see the point in part because she just doesn't notice her mess, or just says I'm fussing. After spending hours cleaning up her diarrhea around the house and on her clothes and bedding, I can VERY much see why she should be wearing the pull ups!!!!
Right....now I've got to find a hiding place for the iron!
Hi, @trickytimes and welcome to the forum.
I go into such detail, hoping it might give others who are struggling some ideas. As I said a shower or bath once a day ain't gonna happen! With our current regime, she's clean, so it works for us.
Luckily, she normally makes it to the loo for a number 2, so we're very lucky in that regard at the moment. Respect to you and everyone else who has to cope with that.
Keep posting - this is a wonderful forum.
Similar threads
Recent Threads
-
-
struggling to cope with mum am I letting her down
- Latest: lynnefisher
-
-
-
-
-