Mum has Dementia and in Care, now Dad about to assessed for the same

honeybears

Registered User
Oct 18, 2014
41
Hampshire
I have learned a lot about Dementia since Mum was diagnosed last year and placed into care - just over a year on and it just goes to show what the right care has done for her - some days Mum cannot hold a conversation and just mumbles a lot of nothing and other days, you can hold a proper conversation with her. Although frail, she is receiving the right care and attention and it is clearly doing her good so at last I feel like I have done the right thing and no longer punish myself quite so much for placing her into care because had she still been at home with just Dad and outside help, I doubt she would be here now!

But that is not where my story ends - a couple of weeks back Dad had an 'event' which has sadly highlighted that his mental state is not right and although he can look after himself OK, something isn't right, so much so that he has been stopped from driving and boy would you think his world has ended.

All through Mum's lengthy diagnosis she never complained about anything, but Dad isn't going to be so easy to help - as long as anything doesn't effect him then the world is fine, but take away his driving licence and everyone is an ogre in his eyes - he fails to understand that what happened indicates he should not be driving and by stopping him from driving is in his best interest as well as everyone else that he could face when on the road. Every time you do something to help him, he puts a negative response in the way, or just comes across as simply ungrateful and sometimes I just think fine if you won't accept, listen or understand what has happened and that people are only trying to help you, then do it your own way. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that is what he has pushed me to in the last few weeks and he hasn't even had the referral appointment through yet!
 

Dimelza

Registered User
May 28, 2013
130
My dad became very very angry over losing his licence. "Fortunately" he'd had another TIA and this meant they removed it for a month in which time I wrote to DVLA explaining about the dementia and it was revoked permanently.
We had many confused heated debates for a good year I'd estimate but even until recently , I think 2 maybe 3 years on, he still asked where his car is but was more easily fobbed off!
It's hard and sadly dad did get worse for being housebound (he'd never walk anywhere!).


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Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
356
Don't worry too much as think this seems a common occurrence. He's taking it personally, like a criticism of his ability as a person to function, which then hits him again that he's not as fit or aware of things as he was which then again hits another whammy that he's getting older! My dads the same, still insisting he can drive, we have just returned this morning from a journey where it had a wet road surface from a shower earlier. He tells me the lorry in front wont have any of his load left when it gets to its destination as he's losing it all. It was of course, the spray of the road surface but he couldn't see that, his answer was oh my eyes must be playing up today.

We made him give up driving as he had awful eyesight, now better with cataract ops, but his reactions are slow so dangerous. But boy have I paid the price too. He seems to get great joy out of making me be his taxi, shopper, errand runner and everything else so he doesn't have to. I did have words with him about it but made no difference. So now I decide my jobs on what I can do not just be his skivvy, he doesn't like it but I was worn out with it all.

Overtime I hope your Dad will see the plus side, financial gain etc and I would point out that he now sees you more often as you help him out too. Try and get him out involved in the local community to make friends and look into the local bus service for older people, that operates on a door to door basis. Here it's called dial a ride but council would know details. Good luck.
 
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Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,982
Victoria, Australia
At an information session at our local Alzheimer's Australia branch, the subject of losing a driver's licence was discussed at length. They suggested that it was really about losing a person's independence and all that implies rather than just the loss of a licence.

I used to be a volunteer for a support group for people who had macular degeneration and those people reacted exactly the same way when forced to stop driving. I knew one lady who was legally blind who continued to drive for some time. They didn't have the same behavioral and health issues as AD patients but reacted in exactly the same way and for them it meant that they had lost their independence.
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,762
South coast of England
At an information session at our local Alzheimer's Australia branch, the subject of losing a driver's licence was discussed at length. They suggested that it was really about losing a person's independence and all that implies rather than just the loss of a licence.
I think this is particularly the case for a certain generation of men for whom driving is about much more than simply getting from A to B.