1. Lorna44

    Lorna44 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2016
    Hi, I'm new to talking point, my mum is 79 and diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago. She also has parkinsons.
    Earlier this year she was in hospital for a long period of time due to a sudden change in the dementia and several falls, and she went from the hospital to a nursing home for respite, unfortunately she hasn't improved so we made the hard decision that she should stay there, which she agreed to and is documented. Now 2 months on some days she's ok and some days she's horrible, blaming me for not letting her live with me (not possible as have a young family, work and nowhere for her to sleep! Also because of the parkinsons she needs help in all areas.) Never would have wanted to stay with me before. Just feel so guilty, but I know in my heart it's the best for mum to keep her safe.
  2. lemonjuice

    lemonjuice Registered User

    Jun 15, 2016
    I have no answers, but just wanted to reassure you you're not alone. I know there was no alternative but to have put Mum into a Home and she's been there 4 and a half years now and I still feel guilty every time I go to visit and every time I think about her.
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP Lorna :)

    Bash that guilt monster over the head with a big stick.
    You did your best for your mum & still are by ensuring she is well looked after & safe.
  4. irismary

    irismary Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    West Midlands
    The dreaded guilt. I feel guilty that I don't move mom in with me but OH is the one with Alzheimer's and mom is 93, very frail and getting confused. How could I cope with both, a part time job (from home very fortunately) and the usual housework, garden etc. I would be frazzled - actually I already am but it doesn't take away the guilt worry and loss of sleep over her being alone in her sheltered accommodation flat where she is safe, has carers, etc. and a fuller package in the pipeline. I and many others share your pain.
  5. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    Lorna - you are doing the right thing.
    Even if a miracle happened and you could still work, have 2 or 3 spare bedrooms and your mum came to live with you. She would still blame you for something (it's the disease that does this) it might be stealing from her, neglecting her, having fancy men around, preferring your own children's time rather than her company etc etc - the guilt would still be with you just 10 times worse.
    Take care - from one who is living through this.
  6. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    Hello Lorna and welcome.

    Oh that dreaded guilt monster. Has someone has said bash it hard and firmly on the head with a big stick :)

    I think we all feel the guilt at some point - I know I have and still do at times.

    Whilst its so easy to say please believe you have and still are ensuring you're mum is safe and cared for. Oh in an ideal world I would have had my mum come and stay with us but its not an ideal world and when mum went into a home I had to think what was best for not only my lovely mum but me as well. I was lucky in that I could move my mum into a home 10 mins away (previously she livid an hour away from me) so she is close by and I can see her practically everyday.

    By finding this wonderful forum you have found a lot of people who understand this horrible journey with dementia and can offer you so much support. I know this forum has helped me so much with both practical and emotional support so please keep in touch.

    hugs c x
  7. Lorna44

    Lorna44 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2016
    Thank you for all your comments, it's been a comfort.
    Just seen mum and the first thing she did was apologise to me for what she said. Still confused and unhappy but able to realise that I was upset. She is unhappy at the situation and I get that, I'm unhappy with it too. It's a lovely place and she is really well cared for, today, she thinks it's a hotel and is enjoying the facilities. ☺
    Thank you all xx
  8. alison1981

    alison1981 Registered User

    Dec 13, 2013
    I still feel guilty and it is now over a year that we had mum put in a home. Sometimes I will go and she will be so happy and say things like oh they can't do enough for you and I like it here. Other times I go and she has got her bags packed and saying oh at last are we going home now? I try to distract her but that doesn't work with mum. She still ends up saying I want to go home.

    The other day I went and she was singing at the top of her voice 'ARE WE GOING HOME NOW? X that by about 600 times LOL. She never shut up. I wonder if her throat hurt the next day, my head certainly did!

    I think at the end of the day, we have not done this to be horrible and mean to them. It is for their best interests and that is what I tell myself every time I have a horrible visit. The good visits though I get plenty of hugs and telling me she loves me so that does make it worthwhile :D
  9. Jenn

    Jenn Registered User

    Feb 24, 2009
    How lovely Lorna that your Mum still had the lucidity to apologise to you, sometimes there is still a chink of light still isn't there?
    My son is a teenager now, but he says one thing he remembers about my Dad (who also had Parkinsons and vascular dementia) is one night him becoming really angry and nasty, and we were all begging him to sleep. And yet the next morning he says to us - I'm so sorry for the way I behaved last night.
    It's heartbreaking. In reference to Parkinsons your Mum really cannot live with you for the disease may make her fall at any moment (from my limited experience anyway), and she won't fall gracefully, she'll slap down on her face injuring herself and it is nigh on impossible to lift an adult off the floor if they are face down and you are on your own. My Dad fell on an open dishwasher and my Mum and I struggled like crazy to lift him. So it is the right thing to do horrible as it is. I think sometimes it helps to know there is an absolute medical reason for the course you have to take.

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