Mum died in July....only now able to post

Timeout

Registered User
Feb 10, 2012
204
Just popping in to let you all know that after 13 long years with this disease mum passed away at the end of July. I simply haven’t been able to bring myself to post until now, even though she’d been so poorly for so long and wished she could have been released when it did finally happen it was a shock and I’m only now feeling a bit better about it all.
After many infections, rallies, downturns, upturns it all happened fairly quickly in the end, mums organs simply failed over the space of a few hours and she passed away with us holding her hands.

Thanks to you all for your support, it’s been a very long journey, I’m just so glad she’s now free and reunited with her husband Ron.

I wish you all strength and love, take care.
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
My Mum died a month ago too. After severe Dementia. Leaving my Dad with severe Dementia. I arranged everything for the funeral, and am still sorting out some of the paperwork. But, my thoughts are worries are concentrated on Dad. I am so worried about him. After being married for 66 years and now 91 I worry he will go soon. I also feel so so strange about the passing of my Mother, as I didn't have a good relationship with here. Although I did everything I could for her. Particularly over the last 3 years where she declined so badly. I try to think of good memories but struggle. I wonder if anyone else has lost a parent and feels this way? I have also read people talk about the strange feelings too after being a Carer for so long. Then how do you feel when it stops?
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
3,737
south-east London
My condolences to you both @Timeout and @LesleyG .

Coming to terms with things, then picking up the pieces and forging a new life after the loss of a loved one, especially if we have been the prime or sole carer of that person, can be a slow and painstaking process.

Just as it is when dealing with bereavement itself, there is no right or wrong way to move forward, no stipulation on how long it will take. Small steps will eventually lead to a point where we can think more clearly - but each in our own time.

Wishing both of you strength and peace for this next stage of your lives.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,150
My Mum died a month ago too. After severe Dementia. Leaving my Dad with severe Dementia. I arranged everything for the funeral, and am still sorting out some of the paperwork. But, my thoughts are worries are concentrated on Dad. I am so worried about him. After being married for 66 years and now 91 I worry he will go soon. I also feel so so strange about the passing of my Mother, as I didn't have a good relationship with here. Although I did everything I could for her. Particularly over the last 3 years where she declined so badly. I try to think of good memories but struggle. I wonder if anyone else has lost a parent and feels this way? I have also read people talk about the strange feelings too after being a Carer for so long. Then how do you feel when it stops?
@LesleyG @Timeout my condolences
My husband and his sister had a poor relationship with their mother. She had been emotionally abusive to them all their lives. My husband bitterly resented his mother and having to deal with her both when she was in her own home and when in care. She passed away last year in the care home and we felt nothing but relief that we didn't have to deal with it anymore . My mother-in-law had been an unpleasant individual, even without dementia. My husband and his sister didn't have a funeral for her, only a direct cremation. Neither of them wanted to hear others at the funeral saying how marvellous she had been or how much she was going to be missed, because as far as they were concerned, she wasn't marvellous to them. No other family members were prepared to attend a funeral either. Now nearly a year on ,both my husband and sister in law confess that they don't miss her at all.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,347
Kent
Oh dear @Timeout and @LesleyG I`m so sorry for both of you. However much we think we are prepared we are not really.

Look after yourselves.
I also feel so so strange about the passing of my Mother, as I didn't have a good relationship with here. Although I did everything I could for her.
I wonder if anyone else has lost a parent and feels this way?
I felt this way about both my parents Lesley. I did what I did out of duty. It`s tough, but love cannot be ordered it has to be earned.
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
@LesleyG @Timeout my condolences
My husband and his sister had a poor relationship with their mother. She had been emotionally abusive to them all their lives. My husband bitterly resented his mother and having to deal with her both when she was in her own home and when in care. She passed away last year in the care home and we felt nothing but relief that we didn't have to deal with it anymore . My mother-in-law had been an unpleasant individual, even without dementia. My husband and his sister didn't have a funeral for her, only a direct cremation. Neither of them wanted to hear others at the funeral saying how marvellous she had been or how much she was going to be missed, because as far as they were concerned, she wasn't marvellous to them. No other family members were prepared to attend a funeral either. Now nearly a year on ,both my husband and sister in law confess that they don't miss her at all.
T
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
My condolences to you both @Timeout and @LesleyG .

Coming to terms with things, then picking up the pieces and forging a new life after the loss of a loved one, especially if we have been the prime or sole carer of that person, can be a slow and painstaking process.

Just as it is when dealing with bereavement itself, there is no right or wrong way to move forward, no stipulation on how long it will take. Small steps will eventually lead to a point where we can think more clearly - but each in our own time.

Wishing both of you strength and peace for this next stage of your lives.
T[/QUOTE
@LesleyG @Timeout my condolences
My husband and his sister had a poor relationship with their mother. She had been emotionally abusive to them all their lives. My husband bitterly resented his mother and having to deal with her both when she was in her own home and when in care. She passed away last year in the care home and we felt nothing but relief that we didn't have to deal with it anymore . My mother-in-law had been an unpleasant individual, even without dementia. My husband and his sister didn't have a funeral for her, only a direct cremation. Neither of them wanted to hear others at the funeral saying how marvellous she had been or how much she was going to be missed, because as far as they were concerned, she wasn't marvellous to them. No other family members were prepared to attend a funeral either. Now nearly a year on ,both my husband and sister in law confess that they don't miss her at all.
That is really interesting to hear. Yes, my Mother was emotionally abusive to me and my Father. And I found that Dementia just exacerbated it! Making it so so difficult to care for and deal with. In fact she tried to treat me as she did when I was a child. So it brought up horrible memories and feelings. But, I did what I could, and did my best, But, its left me feeling so hollow. And, my Dad bless him also has advanced Dementia. but his a lovely man. So, its a pleasure to be there for my Dad. I just wish I could help him more. Dementia does not give dignity!
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
Oh dear @Timeout and @LesleyG I`m so sorry for both of you. However much we think we are prepared we are not really.

Look after yourselves.



I felt this way about both my parents Lesley. I did what I did out of duty. It`s tough, but love cannot be ordered it has to be earned.
You are so right! I did what I did, because I wanted to do my best. I do not feel any guilt,because indeed my Mother took a lot more than she gave. And, as you say love has to be earned. But, its strange everybody sending their condolences, and telling me we will be together again some day. I hope not!!!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,285
South coast
Thank you for letting us know @Timeout and @LesleyG

Your mothers are both at peace now - try and get some peace yourself. You have both done the best you can.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you are both at very early stages
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,471
My Mum died a month ago too. After severe Dementia. Leaving my Dad with severe Dementia. I arranged everything for the funeral, and am still sorting out some of the paperwork. But, my thoughts are worries are concentrated on Dad. I am so worried about him. After being married for 66 years and now 91 I worry he will go soon. I also feel so so strange about the passing of my Mother, as I didn't have a good relationship with here. Although I did everything I could for her. Particularly over the last 3 years where she declined so badly. I try to think of good memories but struggle. I wonder if anyone else has lost a parent and feels this way? I have also read people talk about the strange feelings too after being a Carer for so long. Then how do you feel when it stops?
Your not alone in not having a positive relationship with your mum. You can love someone but actually not like them very much, my Mum is a complex character & as an adopted only child shall we say Mum never really bonded. But at the end of the day- she’s still my Mum.
Complex emotions & complex issues.
I have learnt that I can’t look to other for my happiness that is solely down to me, & happiness is a fragile bubble to be cherished & not taken for granted. You expect unconditional love from a parent but it’s not always so. I am determined that I won’t be like my Mum, but emotionally & mentally yes her behaviour towards me has left scars.
Give yourself a break... you have been a dutiful & loving daughter
I don’t have many positive memories but I still try & make some - I have just lowered my expectations & excepted that it’s not going to change now (Mum 88 next week)
Life is too short, & I hope you find some comfort & way forward through this emotional fug that we wade through.
Virtual hugs
Your not alone in these feelings
((((hugs)))))
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,471
You are so right! I did what I did, because I wanted to do my best. I do not feel any guilt,because indeed my Mother took a lot more than she gave. And, as you say love has to be earned. But, its strange everybody sending their condolences, and telling me we will be together again some day. I hope not!!!
I know I shouldn’t but that made me laugh !
I agree we all have our own idea of ‘heaven’ !!!
I treat people as I wish to be treated, but am on a slow learning curve that it’s not always reciprocated.
A friend of my Mums says .. “ it will reach a natural conclusion “
My answer “ .... but when?!!!”
Not easy to walk away always but it is what it is, just need to sprinkle some more self preservation on me thinks!!
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
Your not alone in not having a positive relationship with your mum. You can love someone but actually not like them very much, my Mum is a complex character & as an adopted only child shall we say Mum never really bonded. But at the end of the day- she’s still my Mum.
Complex emotions & complex issues.
I have learnt that I can’t look to other for my happiness that is solely down to me, & happiness is a fragile bubble to be cherished & not taken for granted. You expect unconditional love from a parent but it’s not always so. I am determined that I won’t be like my Mum, but emotionally & mentally yes her behaviour towards me has left scars.
Give yourself a break... you have been a dutiful & loving daughter
I don’t have many positive memories but I still try & make some - I have just lowered my expectations & excepted that it’s not going to change now (Mum 88 next week)
Life is too short, & I hope you find some comfort & way forward through this emotional fug that we wade through.
Virtual hugs
Your not alone in these feelings
((((hugs)))))
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
Thank you. It actually helps to know that others have felt and feel the same. What i have learnt is to treat my own children and relationships differently with kindness and love. Wishing you all some peace too.
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
28
I know I shouldn’t but that made me laugh !
I agree we all have our own idea of ‘heaven’ !!!
I treat people as I wish to be treated, but am on a slow learning curve that it’s not always reciprocated.
A friend of my Mums says .. “ it will reach a natural conclusion “
My answer “ .... but when?!!!”
Not easy to walk away always but it is what it is, just need to sprinkle some more self preservation on me thinks!!
Its good to find humour. And i know so difficult at times. Eventually i learned i had to stop giving all of the time. Self preservation is absolutely right. As hopefully our lives will continue and get better.
 

Road runner

New member
Aug 19, 2019
2
Hi my gran passed away in July, so I can understand how you feel. I never cried after she passed but feel it's hitting me now. At least there is somewhere to get support from people in the same boat. Hope you are looking after yourself