Mum died in July....only now able to post

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Timeout, Aug 24, 2019.

  1. Timeout

    Timeout Registered User

    Feb 10, 2012
    204
    Just popping in to let you all know that after 13 long years with this disease mum passed away at the end of July. I simply haven’t been able to bring myself to post until now, even though she’d been so poorly for so long and wished she could have been released when it did finally happen it was a shock and I’m only now feeling a bit better about it all.
    After many infections, rallies, downturns, upturns it all happened fairly quickly in the end, mums organs simply failed over the space of a few hours and she passed away with us holding her hands.

    Thanks to you all for your support, it’s been a very long journey, I’m just so glad she’s now free and reunited with her husband Ron.

    I wish you all strength and love, take care.
     
  2. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
    My Mum died a month ago too. After severe Dementia. Leaving my Dad with severe Dementia. I arranged everything for the funeral, and am still sorting out some of the paperwork. But, my thoughts are worries are concentrated on Dad. I am so worried about him. After being married for 66 years and now 91 I worry he will go soon. I also feel so so strange about the passing of my Mother, as I didn't have a good relationship with here. Although I did everything I could for her. Particularly over the last 3 years where she declined so badly. I try to think of good memories but struggle. I wonder if anyone else has lost a parent and feels this way? I have also read people talk about the strange feelings too after being a Carer for so long. Then how do you feel when it stops?
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,581
    Female
    Dundee
    Sending you both my condolences @Timeout snd @LesleyG. Wishing you both strength.
     
  4. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    3,540
    south-east London
    My condolences to you both @Timeout and @LesleyG .

    Coming to terms with things, then picking up the pieces and forging a new life after the loss of a loved one, especially if we have been the prime or sole carer of that person, can be a slow and painstaking process.

    Just as it is when dealing with bereavement itself, there is no right or wrong way to move forward, no stipulation on how long it will take. Small steps will eventually lead to a point where we can think more clearly - but each in our own time.

    Wishing both of you strength and peace for this next stage of your lives.
     
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,025
    @LesleyG @Timeout my condolences
    My husband and his sister had a poor relationship with their mother. She had been emotionally abusive to them all their lives. My husband bitterly resented his mother and having to deal with her both when she was in her own home and when in care. She passed away last year in the care home and we felt nothing but relief that we didn't have to deal with it anymore . My mother-in-law had been an unpleasant individual, even without dementia. My husband and his sister didn't have a funeral for her, only a direct cremation. Neither of them wanted to hear others at the funeral saying how marvellous she had been or how much she was going to be missed, because as far as they were concerned, she wasn't marvellous to them. No other family members were prepared to attend a funeral either. Now nearly a year on ,both my husband and sister in law confess that they don't miss her at all.
     
  6. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,486
    Female
    England
    My condolences to you both on your losses.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Oh dear @Timeout and @LesleyG I`m so sorry for both of you. However much we think we are prepared we are not really.

    Look after yourselves.
    I felt this way about both my parents Lesley. I did what I did out of duty. It`s tough, but love cannot be ordered it has to be earned.
     
  8. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
    T
     
  9. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
    That is really interesting to hear. Yes, my Mother was emotionally abusive to me and my Father. And I found that Dementia just exacerbated it! Making it so so difficult to care for and deal with. In fact she tried to treat me as she did when I was a child. So it brought up horrible memories and feelings. But, I did what I could, and did my best, But, its left me feeling so hollow. And, my Dad bless him also has advanced Dementia. but his a lovely man. So, its a pleasure to be there for my Dad. I just wish I could help him more. Dementia does not give dignity!
     
  10. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
    You are so right! I did what I did, because I wanted to do my best. I do not feel any guilt,because indeed my Mother took a lot more than she gave. And, as you say love has to be earned. But, its strange everybody sending their condolences, and telling me we will be together again some day. I hope not!!!
     
  11. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    265
    Female
    Condolences to you both LesleyG & Timeout
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Thank you for letting us know @Timeout and @LesleyG

    Your mothers are both at peace now - try and get some peace yourself. You have both done the best you can.
    There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you are both at very early stages
    (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
     
  13. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,091
    Your not alone in not having a positive relationship with your mum. You can love someone but actually not like them very much, my Mum is a complex character & as an adopted only child shall we say Mum never really bonded. But at the end of the day- she’s still my Mum.
    Complex emotions & complex issues.
    I have learnt that I can’t look to other for my happiness that is solely down to me, & happiness is a fragile bubble to be cherished & not taken for granted. You expect unconditional love from a parent but it’s not always so. I am determined that I won’t be like my Mum, but emotionally & mentally yes her behaviour towards me has left scars.
    Give yourself a break... you have been a dutiful & loving daughter
    I don’t have many positive memories but I still try & make some - I have just lowered my expectations & excepted that it’s not going to change now (Mum 88 next week)
    Life is too short, & I hope you find some comfort & way forward through this emotional fug that we wade through.
    Virtual hugs
    Your not alone in these feelings
    ((((hugs)))))
     
  15. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,091
    I know I shouldn’t but that made me laugh !
    I agree we all have our own idea of ‘heaven’ !!!
    I treat people as I wish to be treated, but am on a slow learning curve that it’s not always reciprocated.
    A friend of my Mums says .. “ it will reach a natural conclusion “
    My answer “ .... but when?!!!”
    Not easy to walk away always but it is what it is, just need to sprinkle some more self preservation on me thinks!!
     
  16. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
     
  17. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
    Thank you. It actually helps to know that others have felt and feel the same. What i have learnt is to treat my own children and relationships differently with kindness and love. Wishing you all some peace too.
     
  18. LesleyG

    LesleyG Registered User

    Feb 4, 2017
    28
    Its good to find humour. And i know so difficult at times. Eventually i learned i had to stop giving all of the time. Self preservation is absolutely right. As hopefully our lives will continue and get better.
     
  19. Road runner

    Road runner New member

    Aug 19, 2019
    2
    Hi my gran passed away in July, so I can understand how you feel. I never cried after she passed but feel it's hitting me now. At least there is somewhere to get support from people in the same boat. Hope you are looking after yourself
     
  20. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    259
    Sorry for your loss @ Timeout and Lesley G xx
     

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