Mum didn't recognise me today.

[Andrea_22]

I had an unexpected free morning so I went to my mum's care home today . She was asleep when I arrived but soon woke up and although she immediately started talking to her "voices" she seemed bright enough.
I'd been there about half an hour when I started to get the feeling she didn't actually know who I was. 😒 She was asking me if I remembered things "they" did at the orphanage she lived in as a child and I said no mum I didn't go to the orphanage so I don't know about that. Oh she said, did you go to the church school in the daytime and just sleep in the same dormitory as me? This is when the penny dropped...
She knew my name when I asked her but she didn't know the relationship between us. When I told her I was her daughter she just looked very confused and said "Really? But I don't have any children!" Eventually after gently asking her questions it turned out she thought I was someone she lived with at the orphanage where she grew up in the 1940s/50s 😳
She was diagnosed in October 2021 after several years of trying to get primary care to take my concerns seriously. I believe she's now in the later stages of the disease as she started having visual and auditory hallucinations 18 months ago. This is when I finally got her into care. I knew the day when she didn't know who I am would eventually arrive and there's probably worse to come 😥 but it's going to take some processing knowing I no longer exist in my mother's world. I took some comfort that she thinks I'm someone she clearly cared about when she was growing up but I still feel very sad. I miss my mum.

 

[Collywobbles]

I’m so sorry - that must be terribly upsetting.

I suppose a positive is that in her confusion, she’s equating you with a friend from her childhood - someone she had warm feelings for. That reflects how she feels about you, but she just can’t find the specifics any more. Maybe you could take comfort from that? Also, you may well find that she “comes back” from time to time. And although she didn’t recognise you today, she might next time you see her.

Sending all best wishes.

 

[Jale]

It is difficult when this happens. Mum rarely speaks now but a couple of months ago out of the blue she asked how my boys were, how old were they now and what did they want to do when the left school. It took a few minutes to realise that mum thought I was her sister in law. After that mum again stopped talking, I occasionally get a hello but that's about it.

I tend now to go with the flow - I've got quite good at lying when necessary, but it is still very sad.

 

[Andrea_22]

Thank you for your replies. It is very upsetting. This afternoon I've actually had a couple of people say there's no point going to visit again if it's so upsetting and she doesn't recognise me anymore. I could never do that. I'll be there again next week. She bought me a book in 1979 called Pollyanna. This introduced me to the " glad game" and I've played the glad game ever since! I do get comfort from the fact she thinks I'm someone she cared about at the orphanage.

Visiting mum in the care home brings to mind the quote from Forrest Gump.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're going to get..

 

[McSuffolk]

@Andrea_22 I am feeling your pain today and sending hugs yr way. My mum declared me to be her sister today (I wouldn’t mind but it makes me older than her !!!) and I didn’t even bother to correct her as I know she is slowly slowly showing less obvious recognition when I visit and, like you, I’m determined to just be glad that she knows me at all as I guess one day that may not be the case. It’s the hardest thing ever losing your mum this way.
This forum of shared experience and suffering is a god send!

 

[clare77]

How true! It’s heartbreaking when they don’t know you isn’t it.
Mum lives with me and my family at home. She has middle stage dementia. She knows who her daughter Clare is but often doesn’t recognise me as her, but this fluctuates daily and I often don’t know whether she’ll know who I am today or not. I’m guessing it’s because the Clare she knows is probably much younger than I am now! It’s hard isn’t it and I know the day will come when she doesn’t know me at all, so I try to appreciate when she does.

 

[yoy]

It's very strange isn't it. When I visit my mum she will usually say hello, ask how my husband is, what's he doing, is he doing x (his hobby) etc. It all sounds so normal, but within a few minutes I can tell from the conversation that she now thinks I'm her sister. I've got used to it now and just go along with it.

 

[LadyLouise]

This is a milestone none of us want to reach. It may be that your mum does recognise you on some deep level but can’t match you up with the right random snatches of memory available to her at that moment. If you see that your visits are doing some good even if it’s just at the level of providing some stimulation and interaction for her, I hope you will be able to take some comfort from that. My mom started not recognising me nearly 2 years ago. We were on a walk and she looked straight at me and asked if I had ever been to the neighbourhood before. I was shocked but covered it up and said, yes I actually grew up in this neighbourhood. She peered at me and I thought I saw a glimmer of recognition. Oh yeah, you were one of those snot-nosed kids running around (she had used that phrase in a joking endearing way not as an insult). Hard at the time but funny in retrospect that she saw me as a street urchin. Since then, she has recognised me in moments, even calling me a childhood nickname recently, despite being at a very advanced stage of dementia. So it’s an unpredictable thing.

 

[Chris m]

I'm going through exactly the same with my mum. A few weeks ago she asked me which school my daughter Margaret goes to. I don't have a daughter, only a son (not Margaret!) and he left school a few years ago. On my next visit she asked me whether my sister still lived in the same house -I don't have a sister. This week she asked me when William was next visiting (who?). Afterwards and with some detective work, looking at our family tree, it seems she thinks I'm actually one of her aunts - I think it alternates between 2 specific aunts, judging by the names she's using. I think aspects of this disease are like all the contents of the office filing cabinet (aka the brain) have fallen out and all been put back in the wrong places. Best not to challenge and go with the flow - I gave non-specific answers and they seemed to satisfy mum!

 

[ChaceSoto]

It's hard to accept that your loved one has forgotten you. Now it is important to find ways to support and understand in this situation. It will also be good to discuss your feelings with loved ones or contact a specialist for advice and support. Remember that you are not alone in your feelings, and there are people ready to help you in this difficult time.

 

[Sphynx]

My Mum hasn’t known who I am for a few years now. She thinks my sister is her sister. It took a long time to reconcile my feelings about it, but it helps that my mum is lovely to everyone. She said in the early days to my sister that I was ‘a very nice person’. It was actually good to know she liked me just as a person. She has shown me love every single day of my life, and all those days are still in my memory, I will just have to hold onto them for both of us now. I just wanted to let you know that however long she has left, your mum will appreciate you being there, being kind, being company for her. I find it much easier now my mum has stopped asking to come home. She is settled and blows me a kiss when I leave. She needs you and it sounds like she has a loving daughter who will keep trying to make her dementia journey bearable.