Mum becoming more demanding

[Liz57]

My 87 year old mum is becoming more demanding of my time and although I do as much as I possibly can, it's never enough. I've recently reduced my working hours so that I can spend a bit more time with her but I'm getting irate phone calls at all times demanding to know where I am as she is "on my own". I've explained I have to work sometimes but when I've suggested that she might like to attend a day centre or similar to provide a bit of company, she's adamant she "likes being on my own"! The almost hourly phone calls are beginning to get me down. In all other respects, she's able to look after herself and we don't get any help of any description as she's always refused it. I don't live with her but visit at least twice a day for an hour or so each time and she spends most Saturdays and Sundays with me.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in not being with her 24/7 but it's also clear that her confusion and memory loss are much reduced when she's in company (mine or anyone else for that matter). How can I pursuade her to accept a day centre or other outside company?

 

[chris53]

Good morning Liz57,I think many of us know how you feel, I had that when mum first started on the road to dementia, alas my mum in law also has dementia so we had it from both sides..so hard to say no without the guilt monster taking over, but and am only speaking from experience it can wear you down and totally drain you and you can end up no use at at! so maybe a couple of tips to help..with the phone,leave a message on your answer phone for mum in the lines of "mum,I am out at the moment,I will see you later" or turn the phone off for an hour or ...try to reduce your time with her to once a day and try to have a Sunday now and again just for you..I tried to think is it urgent? or is it just the company needed the memory clinic may have a befriending service and you could introduce this person as a "friend" they usually do a once a week visit,have a cuppa and chat, as I said only a couple of thoughts,if mum likes knitting,maybe she could "help" you by making something? Please do keep posting here,I am sure many of us here will have some good ideas that may help.
Take care
Chris x

 

[lizzybean]

I know how you feel!! Even if someone were with her all day & evening it still wouldn't be enough cos "I haven't seen anyone all day" "I've never been out" blah blah.
Have you thought of giving her a diary with the days you work on it? Also the times you know you are unavailable?
To be fair I have tried this to no avail but I don't know where your Mum is on her journey so you never know it might work.

 

[marionq]

You cannot win, that's for sure. However it helps if there are other people around not so much for your Mum but to make it less onerous on you eg we were at our Musical Memories group last Friday and it is always a good laugh. Lots of people wished it was on every week instead of once a month. Husband joins in with the singing and I like to do that and also talk to people I am gradually getting to know.

Yesterday we went to the once a week allotments group so had tea and biscuits, a walk round looking at all the fruit and veg growing, a talk and a laugh with a very cheery group despite one elderly man falling and getting a wee fright.

The big thing is the focus is no longer just on you when you are with a group. Phone your local Alz Soc and see what is available. As well as taking the good tips from Chris about holding back a bit see if you can do things together to take the strain off you.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My MIL always wanted company (she had vascular dementia). Before we were married, I would spend every Friday night with my now-husband at my MIL's, as he was still living there, taking care of her. I would stay overnight.

One Friday night, and this is funny, she got a call from her eldest son and when asked what she was doing. She said "I'm here all alone with Joanne and Rudi". We obviously weren't company!

On a more serious note, Liz, I think you need to turn your phone off periodically. I don't know if reducing your working hours will necessarily help you. Those extra hours should be for you to mentally rest and take care of yourself.

Yes, company will help your mother. Have you considered just taking her somewhere? She might well enjoy it once there. My mother went to a day centre once a week as a 'volunteer'.

 

[Witzend]

I think it's often because of the the memory loss that no matter what you do, it's never enough. Even after I'd just just spent well over 24 continuous hours with her, as I did every week, my mother would tell my sister or brother that I hadn't been for weeks. She simply could not remember. Ditto my brother - more than once I met him just leaving as I was arriving, but again, he 'never comes near'. Even though it was less than 5 minutes, she could not remember.

It is very hard when someone is complaining about you, though, and others believe every word, I.e. that you are guilty of neglecting them.

 

[Tessi]

This sounds so familiar to me! My mum is 87 this month and has recently moved house to be near my brother and I, having lost her husband two years ago. This past 12 months she has changed quite a lot in terms of being very demanding and also very very critical when things don't go her way. No amount of phone calls or visits are ever enough and to hear her talk she has "never seen anybody" despite a large family who visit regularly. Every phone call begins with the words "I haven't heard from you for a while" or "I thought you must be busy", or "I thought you must be out". She immediately tries to put me on a guilt trip. Even when I visit, by the time I leave it's always too soon for her and I can't get out the door without having to explain myself several times. She is never just pleased I've been but more displeased that I didn't stay long enough, even though most times I stay hours. She is also very jealous of any time spent with my husband or daughters and can't understand why she can't always be included. It makes me feel guilty to think these things but she doesn't seem to remember that other people have a life too.

 

[mahjx001]

I have been at my wits end this week and I have to say that reading these post is so helpful. It makes me realise that I am not the awful daughter that my mum thinks I am. The demands increase and I can't do anything right, but I have to protect myself too and my husband who is also getting a hard time

Believe it or not I have taken up listening to hypnotic relaxation, which really does help and also I manage calls by having a fun tune when mum calls, so I am ready for it or I let it go to Answerphone sometimes and call back when I can sit and chat.

One thing I have found is that after coming home to a string of Answerphone messages, which get more and more demanding and accusational, if I call back and don't mention it the problem seems to have gone away, so best not to question why all the calls were made in the first place. Off to mums today, not sure what we reception we will get but such is life!

 

[Tessi]

You're right! I have found that if I act as normally as I can and ignore the bitter accusations (if I can stand the frustration!) my mum will sometimes forget and we can carry on from there. Very difficult though. My poor husband listens to all my rants but has a good sense of humour so we manage!

 

[Van55]

Have just joined this forum... And already I feel better !

My Mum is 87 ...is unreasonable, demanding , expects me to spend all my time with her but constantly complains that she is always alone...
Really - all the same things that everyone else is experiencing.

Now I feel better as simply knowing that her behaviour is 'typical' and not unique to our relationship removes some of the guilt and depression that I have been feeling when my best is just never good enough.
I now realise based on everyone else's comments that whatever I do will never measure up ..but that the fault does not lie with me as it is all part of her terrible illness.

 

[Insomniac]

Ditto to everything everyone's said!! I find the more attention my 87 year old mum gets, the worse it is as well... I think the secret is not to be 'guilt tripped' into reacting to it. Easier said than done. If it helps, we had the incessant phone calls and messages, but we've moved onto the next stage now - where she really struggles to use the phone (or anything else for that matter!) so they've drastically reduced. Not sure if it's a good thing or not!


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[Van55]

How true... My Mum has gone from seeing me once a week to seeing me every day and has become so much more demanding ...even though logic says she should be less critical -- no logic with thIs illness !
Have constant phone calls... And as she has no awareness of time calls can be at any time day or night..
Have real mixed feelings about a future time when they become less frequent ... This is all so difficult..
Really helps to read about the experiences of others though..