So sorry to hear of your sad loss Marcelle and pleased that it was peaceful and that your sister was with you to say your goodbyes. It will all feel surreal for you and like me will probably go into overdrive for the next few days. I arranged everything with my brother in a couple of days but am now in limbo waiting for the funeral next week. I am so sad to lose my lovely mum but we experience a mix of emotions with dementia and have grieved for my mum continually this past year. I am relieved that her struggle is now over and is no longer suffering with this awful illness. Take time for yourself and rest as much as you can now. My thoughts are with you. Xxx
Mum, 97, in palliative care.
- Thread starter Marcelle123
- Start date
That was my immediate thought - "she doesn't need me any more." I felt I too had been released from my role. The sadness and grieving came afterwards.
Thank you for your kindness, TP friends. xxx
It really helps me to be able to share my feelings here.
It really helps me to be able to share my feelings here.
Thank you, Bunpoots.
Remarkable to us - otherwise, just a 'housewife and mother' - the unsung heroines of the world.
This morning, I'm clearing Mum's room at the care home, ripping off name-tapes, have got six bags of clothes and books to the charity shops already, but we're giving up now because of Christmas parking.
It's a sad task, but actually I'm grateful to have something to do. I will miss visiting the care home when it's all finished - it's a lovely place. Today several of the carers stopped by Mum's room as I was clearing to say how sorry they were and how much they liked my mother.
It all helps...
Remarkable to us - otherwise, just a 'housewife and mother' - the unsung heroines of the world.
This morning, I'm clearing Mum's room at the care home, ripping off name-tapes, have got six bags of clothes and books to the charity shops already, but we're giving up now because of Christmas parking.
It's a sad task, but actually I'm grateful to have something to do. I will miss visiting the care home when it's all finished - it's a lovely place. Today several of the carers stopped by Mum's room as I was clearing to say how sorry they were and how much they liked my mother.
It all helps...
Marcelle, it can be helpful to have a straightforward task, sometimes. Sorry the Christmas traffic isn't cooperating with your errands.
It's nice to hear about such kind staff at the care home.
It's nice to hear about such kind staff at the care home.
On Monday we got the 'green form' for disposal, and the death certificate. We got a date for the crematorium - the earliest we could, Thursday, 11th January - and we'll be talking to our parish priest tomorrow about a requiem Mass beforehand, as Mum was a Catholic convert and so am I.
Today, we talked to the bank and found out that my brother, as joint executor of Mum's will, will have to establish his identity in his local bank branch in Lancashire, and do the same with a solicitor, sending the solicitor's certificate to our solicitor. Only when the bank has received proof of my brother's identity and a certificated copy of Mum's will - which can't happen till after Christmas - will Mum's bank agree to pay the expenses of the funeral and wake (we've booked a 'sympathy buffet' at a hotel in our seaside town that Mum loved.)
However, my solicitor tells me not to worry, as he'll be able to get the certificated copy of Mum's will from the solicitor's in Lincolnshire, where she used to live, in time to pay the funeral director.
I am still shocked by the very fact of Mum's death, even though she was so old and though in fact it is better for her that she has passed.
I'm really tired with sorting things out and phoning people, not just banks and priests and funeral directors but also my brothers and sisters, keeping them abreast of things.
So far the pattern has been that I go to sleep fairly quickly at night, but wake at four or five in the morning and then can't get off again - the same thing even if I weaken and take an over-the-counter sedative. That just seems to mean that I can't get back to sleep at dawn, and feel a bit hung over into the bargain when I get up.
Today it is just slightly more believable, though I'm still feeling bereft. It's ridiculous that I feel this way, but it still seems so momentous, that Mum, who's dominated my life in childhood, and more especially for the last twenty-one years with her presence just across the road, and for the last five years with her dementia and helplessness, has actually gone.
Today, we talked to the bank and found out that my brother, as joint executor of Mum's will, will have to establish his identity in his local bank branch in Lancashire, and do the same with a solicitor, sending the solicitor's certificate to our solicitor. Only when the bank has received proof of my brother's identity and a certificated copy of Mum's will - which can't happen till after Christmas - will Mum's bank agree to pay the expenses of the funeral and wake (we've booked a 'sympathy buffet' at a hotel in our seaside town that Mum loved.)
However, my solicitor tells me not to worry, as he'll be able to get the certificated copy of Mum's will from the solicitor's in Lincolnshire, where she used to live, in time to pay the funeral director.
I am still shocked by the very fact of Mum's death, even though she was so old and though in fact it is better for her that she has passed.
I'm really tired with sorting things out and phoning people, not just banks and priests and funeral directors but also my brothers and sisters, keeping them abreast of things.
So far the pattern has been that I go to sleep fairly quickly at night, but wake at four or five in the morning and then can't get off again - the same thing even if I weaken and take an over-the-counter sedative. That just seems to mean that I can't get back to sleep at dawn, and feel a bit hung over into the bargain when I get up.
Today it is just slightly more believable, though I'm still feeling bereft. It's ridiculous that I feel this way, but it still seems so momentous, that Mum, who's dominated my life in childhood, and more especially for the last twenty-one years with her presence just across the road, and for the last five years with her dementia and helplessness, has actually gone.
Marcelle could you contact just one sibling and ask that person to disseminate any information/updates?
Would save you a bit of time and repetition.
You are grieving, there is a huge Mum-shaped hole in your life and it sounds as though you were very close.
It will take a long time and it's not ridiculous but indeed momentous that your Mum has gone.
When Dad died, a lovely lady at work asked me how I was, "Does it get better J?" I asked, "No, but you get used to it".
How right she was.
Go easy on yourself, huge hug xxxxx
Would save you a bit of time and repetition.
You are grieving, there is a huge Mum-shaped hole in your life and it sounds as though you were very close.
It will take a long time and it's not ridiculous but indeed momentous that your Mum has gone.
When Dad died, a lovely lady at work asked me how I was, "Does it get better J?" I asked, "No, but you get used to it".
How right she was.
Go easy on yourself, huge hug xxxxx
Marcelle, I understand it's shocking, but it's not ridiculous. You just lost someone who has been a major part of your life, for your entire life, and especially recently. It's a huge change to lose a parent, no matter your own age, no matter their age, no matter how well or ill they were.
I agree, can you call just one sibling and let them call the others, or just send a group email, or something? The phone calls wear you down after a while.
I think the disturbed sleep is common, but also exhausting. And the paperwork (my personal least favourite) is tiresome as well.
I hope it's some relief to have plans underway, but expect it will be a mixed Christmas, at best, for you.
I'm glad to see your update and hope you'll keep posting, as long as it's helpful for you.
I agree, can you call just one sibling and let them call the others, or just send a group email, or something? The phone calls wear you down after a while.
I think the disturbed sleep is common, but also exhausting. And the paperwork (my personal least favourite) is tiresome as well.
I hope it's some relief to have plans underway, but expect it will be a mixed Christmas, at best, for you.
I'm glad to see your update and hope you'll keep posting, as long as it's helpful for you.
@Amy in the US is right, Marcelle. Whatever their age, we grieve for the loss of our parent, and I think in a way it is worse the longer they're with us. My cousin has just lost her father - my Mum's last remaining brother - she is terribly upset. He too was 97. My mother was 92. I wouldn't have wanted her to go on in the state she was in but it is still hard that she is no longer here.
Her funeral was last year on Friday, 13th January. It was the worst day of winter - we had snow on the ground. A very sad day. I too had a requiem Mass for my Mum - she also was a convert - I am a "cradle Catholic", my Dad was RC, but I now don't practise. I knew she would have wanted that and I chose some of her and my favourite hymns. We had "Lord of all hopefulness", "Soul of my Saviour" and "This one commandment I give to you". She loved the latter. It was especially beautiful because we had an accomplished singer from the next-door parish to play and sing at the funeral.
The time waiting for the funeral you are in limbo and, of course, it is hard again when it comes. The paperwork can drag on for months. I did all the probate work. It did keep me busy which was good. I still haven't looked at all Mum's belongings but I have mostly tackled her clothes. It must be simpler if your Mum was in a care home as she has downsized already.
Will be thinking of you over the coming weeks. (Sorry for going on about myself.)
Her funeral was last year on Friday, 13th January. It was the worst day of winter - we had snow on the ground. A very sad day. I too had a requiem Mass for my Mum - she also was a convert - I am a "cradle Catholic", my Dad was RC, but I now don't practise. I knew she would have wanted that and I chose some of her and my favourite hymns. We had "Lord of all hopefulness", "Soul of my Saviour" and "This one commandment I give to you". She loved the latter. It was especially beautiful because we had an accomplished singer from the next-door parish to play and sing at the funeral.
The time waiting for the funeral you are in limbo and, of course, it is hard again when it comes. The paperwork can drag on for months. I did all the probate work. It did keep me busy which was good. I still haven't looked at all Mum's belongings but I have mostly tackled her clothes. It must be simpler if your Mum was in a care home as she has downsized already.
Will be thinking of you over the coming weeks. (Sorry for going on about myself.)
Thank you, Amy and Nita.xx
Nita - don't be sorry for sharing your experience. I find that very helpful.
Nita - don't be sorry for sharing your experience. I find that very helpful.
