My sister ,who has dementia, lives on her own but needs to move to care home as she is not able to care for herself properly and resists help from family, friends and carers. our problem is how to get her to go into a Care Home , when myself and social worker talked to her she was very resistant to the idea. Do we have to trick her or use subterfuge once we find a place?
Moving to care home
- Thread starter Grannyal
- Start date
It is difficult to say without knowing her cognitive ability. It is an delicate and emotional journey she, you and family will need to go through. Gentle persuasion with a focus on the advantages to her may help her understand and agree.
Usually,by the time a care home is needed the person with dementia is beyond rational understanding of their situation and you have to resort to subterfuge. It feels so wrong, but it is the only way reducing anxiety and upset
My mum went into respite 2 days ago. The week before we looked around the home and she kept asking me who we were waiting on. I told her no one, we needed to get in touch. Fast forward a week later , my sister and I packing with her for a 2 week respite. Then she decides she doesn't want to go. D day arrives and she is livid and refuses to go. In the end I manage to get her in the car on promises of them working on her walking and that I would fetch her if she really hated it .
Hi @Grannyal the advice from fellow members at the time when my dad needed to go into care strongly suggested its near on impossible to persuade someone they need to go into a care home. My dad certainly did not want to go into a home and he eventually only went in as we/sister and I said his doctor wanted him to have his general health checked on, said it was only going to be for a couple of days. My dad did still hold some respect for his GP so we thought it was the best thing for us to say. It actually was partly true as dad was going to be assessed by Social Services with the view that it was likely to be a permanent placement. I took my dad in my car his suitcase hidden in the boot he said he was having a heart attack on the way and to take him home. On arrival I had to persuade him to get out of the car and take him to the reception. In the end I found myself firmly telling him people were now waiting for him and we couldn't let them down I also lied and assured him it wasn't going to be for long. It was horrible and without doubt it was the most awful thing I have ever had to do. Dads carers had been going into dad for around three years four times a day and he had become doubly incontinent for quite a long time. Dad had actually been wearing a catheter for all of that time and had been on quite a few antibiotics on and off. My dad eventually become so difficult in accepting care from the carers the company they worked for gave us notice. My sister and I lived close and we did help out a lot but neither of us could look after dad full time. It felt wrong on an emotional level my dad going into care and my sister was more resistant to the idea than me but in other ways it felt the right thing plus it really was the only option left . I cried after dad went through the doors and have shed many tears since when I think back to that day. My dad sadly died in January this year he only actually went into the care home in November 2020, his death being a combination of Advanced Mixed Dementia and a small stroke. During that time dad was admitted to hospital for a couple of weeks and they determined he was EOL. I was told his dementia was far more advanced than originally thought by the Social Services lady that had actually been assigned to his case she saw him twice at the care home but then had to suspend her visits to assess him due to him being unwell. Dad also had a covid positive test the day before he died. In dads case there is nothing we could have said to him to persuade him he needed permanent care away from his home because he thought he was fine at home or at least most of the time. I had hoped my dad would have settled into life at the care home but he died so quickly he never actually got time to do so. I think trickery/subterfuge is the way to go but sadly there is no way you won't feel some guilt over it even though you really shouldn't. I wish you luck.
Last edited:
