1. biggirlsdontcry

    biggirlsdontcry Registered User

    Mar 15, 2007
    4
    Mum (85) has early-ish Alzheimer's, she's physically fit and well. Dad (88) has Parkinsons, is very frail. They are at home with a limited care package - mainly because Mum does not accept she has any problems and thinks she runs the house as she has always done. Dad has said he can't cope any more so my sister and I are preparing to move both into (different) care homes. My question is how do we move Mum when she does not think she needs it? What experiences do people have to ease this passage? So far we can only think that we will have to lie and persuade her she is going on holiday (without my dad). The thought of it sends me into a panic and I'm having sleepless nights thinking about the best way to do it. It is going to be distressing all round and Mum will be horribly confused and alone. I'd really like some ideas on how to minimise the awfulness.
    Thanks
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    Hi there and welcome to TP.

    I`m sorry to hear about your mum and dad.

    Are you sure your mum is ready to move into a care home. My husband does not seem as physically fit and well as your mum but I would think he is a long way away from needing a care home yet.

    It sounds as if your mum might be able to cope a bit longer, in her own home, with the same care package, if your dad were in a care home.

    It will be a big enough wrench for your mum and dad to be separated, but moving them to different care homes will be very difficult for them both.

    I`m very sorry if I`m speaking out of turn. I do not know all the circumstances and apologize if I`ve given an unwelcome and unacceptable response.
     
  3. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    Why do they have to go into different care homes? Are there no care homes where they can have a double room and be together and still be cared for?

    Maybe the degrees of their disability means that their needs at this time are different?

    My parents both have dementia/alzheimers and there are care homes where they can still be together. I understand that this may not always be so, that if one becomes much worse than the other, then they may be seperated, but hopefully, that is when they are no longer aware.

    When Mum and Dad go for respite, we say we have booked a holiday, paid for by the family, for birthday, anniversary, mothers day, whatever, in this lovely hotel. Fortunately, the residential home looks like an hotel and they are both together, which makes things easier.

    Hope you get things worked out and the transition is easier than you expect

    Take care

    Alfjess

    Sorry if I have misunderstood your thread
     
  4. biggirlsdontcry

    biggirlsdontcry Registered User

    Mar 15, 2007
    4
    Thanks! and more info

    Yes, it would be good to place them together in a care home, but my dad does not want to be with my mum any longer. It's terribly sad after 62 years of marriage but he says she is not the woman he married, they have no common ground any more, and she is also horrid to him - she takes out all her confusion on him with anger and contempt; I've seen it. I don't think she could manage at home alone - she is beginning to wander (went for a walk this week and couldn't find her own house again), and without my dad I think she wouldn't let the carers in to help. So I think a care home is the only answer.
     
  5. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi bgdc,
    I can appreciate how your Dad feels because I know the experiences that my Mum went through with my Dad when he had early-ish Alzheimer's. But I do tend to agree with Alfjess about looking into placing them together if possible.

    My concern would be that your Dad is saying this at the moment but after a rest away from it all he could regret being completely apart from your Mum, especially after 62 years. Have you considered a care home that has facilites for both nursing and emi in separate buildings? (If there is one near you of course). That way they would be apart most of the time but your Dad would still be able to see your Mum sometimes.

    I'm also sorry if I've not understood your situation and have suggested something inappropriate.

    Best wishes,
     
  6. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    I think quite a lot of 'homes' non AD have a sort of respite area where somebody like your dad could go for a 'few' weeks.. It may well be that he has had enough and just wants out... perfectly normal reaction I think but at the same time the 'practice' separation would give him a chance to see if there is really life after separation from his wife... there may well be or there may not but at least he can have a rehearsal.... Your mum may well need the 'shock' of being separated for a while... I am very much of he opinion that AD does not always bring out the best in sufferers... Having nobody in the house to 'bully' for a while may be useful.. It would also give the professional carers who would have to visit more often a chance to assess her capabilities... I am not quite certain that those of us who are closest are always the best people to decide about when to put somebody into permanent care.. A professional and experienced person who is not emotionally involved may have useful input
    michael
     
  7. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Biggirlsdontcry

    I hear what you are saying. My Mum can be hard work and Dad who also has AD often asks me to get HER away from him. Or he puts his jacket on and goes out (with one of us with him) Mum then freaks, because she is so dependant on him. He is her security

    However, when Mum goes to "Ladies Daycare" on a Monday, he frets and is agitated until she comes home. They have been married for 60 years.

    With your Dad having Parkinsons, could he be experiencing some dementia also?
    After 62 years, have you asked yourself if your Dad really means what he says. How would he cope without your Mum, difficult though he finds her.
    Sorry if I am intruding here and excuse me if I am talking a lot of garbage, but I know that I wouldn't like to seperate Mum and Dad until it was necessary.

    Maybe the answer is the same home, with different rooms, but still able to keep in contact. A known face in a new envirnoment, could be helpful in settling in for your Mum or both of them.

    Alfjess
     
  8. mocha

    mocha Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    176
    Lancs, England
    Hi biggirlsdontcry,
    My husband is in a home NH where a married couple are. The home is divided into 4 Units and this couple spend all day together in my husband's unit then in the evening she goes to one of the other's because I believe they can get quite nasty with each after tea. It seems to work very well with them and at least it is not 24/7. Perhaps you have already made enquiries or it wouldn't suit you
    Good Luck what ever you decide.

    Aileen
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    Dear Aileen,
    The home your husband`s in sounds wonderful. To see people as individuals and adapt their residence to suit their needs is as much as we can hope for.
    With love
     
  10. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    [QUOTE=biggirlsdontcry]Yes, it would be good to place them together in a care home, but my dad does not want to be with my mum any longer. It's terribly sad after 62 years of marriage but he says she is not the woman he married, they have no common ground any more, and she is also horrid to him - she takes out all her confusion on him with anger and contempt; I've seen it. I don't think she could manage at home alone - she is beginning to wander (went for a walk this week and couldn't find her own house again), and without my dad I think she wouldn't let the carers in to help. So I think a care home is the only answer.[/QUOTE]


    I have no idea if this is a possibility in the homes near you, but in my Mum's home there are a few couples who do not share rooms. One couple (Mum's neighbours) have rooms on opposite sides of the hall. Another couple have rooms in different wings - I asked why and was told it was because they didn't want to be together. This separation allows aloneness but keeps them in the one place which is helpful for family and friends. It also allows the couple to choose to be together, if and when they wish.

    My friend's in-laws were like your parents. When her MIL went into care, she would tell her husband when he visited: "You can't come here - this is MY place!". When the FIL eventually did move in, he had a separate room at the other end of the facility. Eventually, after some months, the two would sit quietly together, not talking, just holding hands, in the late afternoon. They never sought each other out earlier in the day, and acted as if they didn't know the other one was there most of the time! My friend said she was so glad though, that towards the end, they could spend even a short time together in peace - and apparently it brought them both comfort.

    I hope you can find a situation which allows the best alternatives for both your parents. Nell
     

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