Mother has Alzheimer's

[Katy57]

Hi. My mother has late onset Alzheimer's and has just gone into a care home. I'm struggling with guilt and fear for her mental well being.

Mum is 98 and has lived alone for virtually half her life. My sister and I have been sharing her care for 6 yrs, assisted by daily carer visits for the past year. As mum's mobility and cognition declined we made the decision to move her into a residential care home. This is something she has always feared and rejected. She's been there three days and we've visited daily, but she's not coping well. She's confused and afraid. I feel as if I've handed my child over to complete strangers and I don't know what to do for the best. Is this irrational/normal?

 

[backin]

The guilt monster is normal I'm afraid but deep down you realise that this had to happen to keep her safe.
Have the home suggested that you don't visit for a while to let her get settled into the routine? Have you spoken to the home to see how she is when you are not around?

 

[canary]

Hello @Katy57

Im afraid this is normal when someone first moves into a care home - your mum doesnt understand where she is and/or why she is there and you cannot explain the reason to her because reasoning is beyond her. It will take time for your mum to learn the routine of the home, its layout and to recognise and trust the carers.
It usually takes a couple of months for them to adjust.
In the meantime, keep your visits short and sweet so that she can learn to swap her dependence on you to the carers

The guilt is normal too - you know in your head that this is best for her, but it will take a while for this to get from your head to your heart
xxx

 

[Katy57]

The guilt monster is normal I'm afraid but deep down you realise that this had to happen to keep her safe.
Have the home suggested that you don't visit for a while to let her get settled into the routine? Have you spoken to the home to see how she is when you are not around?

Tbh we're a little disappointed with the manager. She doesn't proactively offer advice. I've read about keeping visits short and my plan is to gradually step back. My sister is more deeply bonded to mum and I fear she will struggle to do this, as mum is pulling on her heart strings. Thank you for your reply x

 

[Katy57]

Hello @Katy57

Im afraid this is normal when someone first moves into a care home - your mum doesnt understand where she is and/or why she is there and you cannot explain the reason to her because reasoning is beyond her. It will take time for your mum to learn the routine of the home, its layout and to recognise and trust the carers.
It usually takes a couple of months for them to adjust.
In the meantime, keep your visits short and sweet so that she can learn to swap her dependence on you to the carers

The guilt is normal too - you know in your head that this is best for her, but it will take a while for this to get from your head to your heart
xxx

Thank you. Your first paragraph has got it in a nutshell. It's so very difficult. I am fairly pragmatic and can usually balance heart and head well. I think the reality of moving mum is hitting home and we both feel a bit shell shocked. My biggest fear is that mum will fail to drink. It's something she has to be constantly reminded to do and she is now avoiding drinking for fear of needing the toilet. She has never really grasped that her incontinence pants will stop her wetting her clothes, so she panics when she can't control the flow. I've made sure it's on her care plan and mentioned it yesterday. All they did was give her a jug of water, which she would never touch independently. I'm hoping she'll lose the fear in time. But it's a worry.

 

[canary]

My biggest fear is that mum will fail to drink. It's something she has to be constantly reminded to do and she is now avoiding drinking for fear of needing the toilet...... <snip>........ All they did was give her a jug of water, which she would never touch independently.

If she is in a care home that understands the needs of someone with the more advanced stages of dementia they should know that they will have to remind her and also pour the drink out for her.

It can take several days for the carers to get to know her and find out the things that she needs help with, though.

 

[Katy57]

Thx

 

[helpingpeggy]

Hello Katy, I just wanted to say that your feelings are completely normal. I felt the same when my elderly mum had to move to a care home late last year. I felt I couldn’t bear it. But, time does move on and the home staff will get to know your mum and vice versa. It’s still difficult for me, but not so much as it was a couple of months ago. Sending strength

 

[Katy57]

Hello Katy, I just wanted to say that your feelings are completely normal. I felt the same when my elderly mum had to move to a care home late last year. I felt I couldn’t bear it. But, time does move on and the home staff will get to know your mum and vice versa. It’s still difficult for me, but not so much as it was a couple of months ago. Sending strength

Thank you so much for your supportive words. It's been very difficult, particularly since my mother can appear to be more 'with it' than she actually is and therefore doesn't always receive the support she actually needs. It's early days and the good news is that she's bonded with one (just one) other resident. She says she's not happy, but I suspect that's because she is confused about everything. How on earth do care homes expect residents with dementia to learn the ropes without 1-2-1 help? Anyway, thanks again for your message. It is much appreciated xx

 

[Kevinl]

No answer care homes vary, sometimes care is just holding your hand, virtual hug to you. K

 

[helpingpeggy]

Thank you so much for your supportive words. It's been very difficult, particularly since my mother can appear to be more 'with it' than she actually is and therefore doesn't always receive the support she actually needs. It's early days and the good news is that she's bonded with one (just one) other resident. She says she's not happy, but I suspect that's because she is confused about everything. How on earth do care homes expect residents with dementia to learn the ropes without 1-2-1 help? Anyway, thanks again for your message. It is much appreciated xx

I’m glad it was helpful, Katy. I posted here and got a lot of reassurance that helped me. It’s a lovely kind place of support.