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More moving on.....

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Sorry I have brain fug today !!
if an executor doesn’t follow protocol you can ring up the probate office for your area & raise a query
I considered this for “tummy mummy’s” scheming soon to be ex.... but then Dads & Mums dementia kicked in & for me the money wasn’t an the issue as being adopted I had no claim legally but it would have been nice to have had a physical object / momento of my mums - we met & had an amazing loving friendship for over 20 years so for me it was his total lack of compassion & honesty. I know in my heart that no financial gain on his side will buy him happiness so I’m hurt by his callousness but the greatest gift my tummy mummy left me was me.... she loved me & gave birth to me & never stopped loving me.
No money can ever get you that...

good luck lovely
Xx
Thank you - I tried to ring the probate office but once grant of probate has been done, they are not interested. I would have to get a court order done via a solicitor & I didn’t have the money for this at any stage really.
I will be raising this subject with my MP because it is appalling that beneficiaries have such a small amount of power over rogue executors. You are ok if you have the money to throw at it but most of us don’t. Your tummy mummy’s ex sounds horrible & yes as you say callous I’m not leaving you a reminder of her - I’m so sorry to read this xx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Thank you - I tried to ring the probate office but once grant of probate has been done, they are not interested. I would have to get a court order done via a solicitor & I didn’t have the money for this at any stage really.
I will be raising this subject with my MP because it is appalling that beneficiaries have such a small amount of power over rogue executors. You are ok if you have the money to throw at it but most of us don’t. Your tummy mummy’s ex sounds horrible & yes as you say callous I’m not leaving you a reminder of her - I’m so sorry to read this xx
I am hurt by his actions & try to not be nasty about people - you know treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.
on top of it all my Mums ashes remain uncollected & im not allowed to apparently according to him “it’s nothing to do with me!”
So that’s me told....
Honestly I want to believe in karma but sometimes .... anyways enough not going to give him space in my mind or heart.
if someone did that to me I’d be devestated- oh irony he did that exactly.
slow learning curve!
xx
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
And so another week passes.... I always feel a bit weird as we approach the 27th of the month as my mum died on the 27th & this month will be 11 months since she died & as it happens next month it will be Mother’s Day just 5 days before the first anniversary of her death. It just made me feel very alone again.
I have half sisters but they all live in Australia & are all a lot older than myself. I have tried reaching out to them but it seems that they are not that interested in getting to know me.
And my fiancé is great but he is very fortunate that both his parents are still alive so he doesn’t get that feeling that I know some of you feel who are in the same position as me
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
732
Lytham St Annes
Kikki I know exactly what you mean, when I lost my Mum (cancer) 19 years ago and my Aunty 10 years ago.....I have never felt so alone in my life, I felt like I had lost the only 2 people that I could absolutely and unconditionally rely on.

I always joked to friends etc, that if I’d said to my Aunty I had murdered someone...her answer would be well they must have deserved it!!! That is how much I could do no wrong in her eyes, we were so very close, I always said I had 3 Mums (my Mums 3 sisters), I was very lucky.

I felt this despite having a husband now married almost 35 years and a wonderful daughter.....I still can’t understand where the feelings came from, I think it took me back to being a child and losing my unwavering support and comfort?
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Kikki I know exactly what you mean, when I lost my Mum (cancer) 19 years ago and my Aunty 10 years ago.....I have never felt so alone in my life, I felt like I had lost the only 2 people that I could absolutely and unconditionally rely on.

I always joked to friends etc, that if I’d said to my Aunty I had murdered someone...her answer would be well they must have deserved it!!! That is how much I could do no wrong in her eyes, we were so very close, I always said I had 3 Mums (my Mums 3 sisters), I was very lucky.

I felt this despite having a husband now married almost 35 years and a wonderful daughter.....I still can’t understand where the feelings came from, I think it took me back to being a child and losing my unwavering support and comfort?
I think that must be it. Even though my mum & I had an often difficult relationship, she was still my mum & would have backed me every time or helped me out & it’s the feeling that now who do I turn to? It’s very odd & very fresh still & hopefully like everything else will feel better in time. It doesn’t help that everything that has happened makes me feel like I’m on a rollercoaster especially work wise. I’ve lost all my usual routines through no fault of my own & although I have plans then those kind of rely on all my money coming through that my mum left to me so I can kick start my working life again.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
So are all the bills paid now?
The DWP issue resolved ?
The nursing home bill Paid?
Situation is still the same as it was. All bills paid. DWP paid.... the executor knew the amount of the care home bill months & months ago. For some reason only known to himself as I said to him
that he needed to pay it, he decided to pay them £7k short which is very odd.
I know what I should have coming to me so his continued behaviour is not good.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
And so another week passes.... I always feel a bit weird as we approach the 27th of the month as my mum died on the 27th & this month will be 11 months since she died & as it happens next month it will be Mother’s Day just 5 days before the first anniversary of her death. It just made me feel very alone again.
I have half sisters but they all live in Australia & are all a lot older than myself. I have tried reaching out to them but it seems that they are not that interested in getting to know me.
And my fiancé is great but he is very fortunate that both his parents are still alive so he doesn’t get that feeling that I know some of you feel who are in the same position as me
Yep know that one! I don’t look at the Calendar for dates at the moment. But sure as eggs are eggs I get all knotted up around the 13th of each month - it’s like an inbuilt timer & can cause mayhem when it goes off!
The grief changes direction & ebbs & swirls around - I think for me it’s helped accepting & recognising how physically painful it is & just quietly acknowledging & allowing myself to go through those emotions. Tears replace anger now- as it’s easier to be angry & utilise the adrenaline- but grief of exhausting & brings sleep which helps us heal inside & out.
So I will be thinking of you
(((((Hugs)))))
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Yep know that one! I don’t look at the Calendar for dates at the moment. But sure as eggs are eggs I get all knotted up around the 13th of each month - it’s like an inbuilt timer & can cause mayhem when it goes off!
The grief changes direction & ebbs & swirls around - I think for me it’s helped accepting & recognising how physically painful it is & just quietly acknowledging & allowing myself to go through those emotions. Tears replace anger now- as it’s easier to be angry & utilise the adrenaline- but grief of exhausting & brings sleep which helps us heal inside & out.
So I will be thinking of you
(((((Hugs)))))
Thank you @DesperateofDevon - it is weird how things get to you. I’m the same about the 27th. As I approach it, I get angsty & more sensitive. I know it will get lessen as time goes on.
oh I have had every emotion going. Sadness. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. But definitely feel it more with my mum than I did with my dad xx big hugs go out to you & anyone who needs them xx
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Not a good day. It’s the 27th of the month. First thing I saw on my phone when I opened up my social media site was a pic of my mum in my memories. Thanks. Just felt really upset & still do. Yet again the feeling of being an adult orphan is weird & that I need people to fight in my corner for me & don’t always have them to do that. It is hard for other people to understand how it is especially if their parents are still alive. My fiancé tries but basically I know he doesn’t get it. He can pick up the phone & talk to his mum but I can’t do that.
I feel very lost.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
So we are in March.... I’ve been kind of dreading this month as it is the anniversary month. Lots of dates are going to be coming up & I know it is going to be hard. I know my mum is gone & I accept that. I just think all the **** that has gone on afterwards has left me feeling on the edge all the time & the effect it has had on my life. And in effect, I have to restart my life & my career all over again.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,068
West Hertfordshire
So we are in March.... I’ve been kind of dreading this month as it is the anniversary month. Lots of dates are going to be coming up & I know it is going to be hard. I know my mum is gone & I accept that. I just think all the **** that has gone on afterwards has left me feeling on the edge all the time & the effect it has had on my life. And in effect, I have to restart my life & my career all over again.
Dont ddismiss the very positive things that have happened too.

A year is no time at all- you have pushed so hard for everything to be wound up and finished , that i am not suprised you are exhausted.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
732
Lytham St Annes
Jessbow is absolutely right Kikki...don’t forget the positives too.

You have your own home, you have met a new partner and become engaged, and also you have plans together for a lovely future.

Anniversary times are difficult to go through and unfortunately I don’t have any magic words of comfort, I think we all cope and get through difficult times in our own way.

Life has changed you have had a major loss, and have had to cope with the executor, and your breakdown in relationship etc.....life is not easy at times.

Easier said than done I know, but please try and focus on the plans you have and give yourself some time to adjust to your new life.

X
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Not a good day. It’s the 27th of the month. First thing I saw on my phone when I opened up my social media site was a pic of my mum in my memories. Thanks. Just felt really upset & still do. Yet again the feeling of being an adult orphan is weird & that I need people to fight in my corner for me & don’t always have them to do that. It is hard for other people to understand how it is especially if their parents are still alive. My fiancé tries but basically I know he doesn’t get it. He can pick up the phone & talk to his mum but I can’t do that.
I feel very lost.
i've been away from social media for a while & today read your message

i think it's easy to forget we are & always will be a child of our parents - that never goes & nor should it. modern society has become disjointed from the reality of family ties & it's importance.

our parents mostly had family living in the same area, village, street ... the nuclear generation were told the world is your oyster..
& we happily explored new lifestyles.
Now we find in time of grief the community / family that our family historically had supporting them is now fragmented & scattered.

sadly a fact of modern life... but it doesn't help that bitter loneliness that we feel. so ((((bighugs))))
& sadly i do understand - i still have aged mother but that brings her lack of empathy & it's own sad issues at end stage dementia.

back to painting walls... it's my therapy!
xx
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Of course I am loving the positives of being a home owner although as we know houses eat your money especially when you are renovating them
but we don’t have many items to spend money on internally now. It is now that we will go onto painting in many different areas & tiling. Not sure whether to do that ourselves or not!
I’ve started doing the training for one of my new businesses & I have had another business enquiry as regards selling my original business which I hope goes further than the last enquiry.
And looking forward to lots of exciting & fun times with my fiancé too.
The executor has transferred some of my money but despite asking for it many, many times, he is still not forthcoming with the bank account statement.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
732
Lytham St Annes
Kikki if he now feels in a position to transfer you some of the money, what is preventing him transferring it all and settling the estate??

What reason has he given you for the delay?
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Kikki if he now feels in a position to transfer you some of the money, what is preventing him transferring it all and settling the estate??

What reason has he given you for the delay?
@DianeW if only I had my crystal ball & knew myself!
Basically everything is settled & paid up. He simply has absolutely no excuse.
He said something about the bank doing something but it was very vague & certainly nothing to prevent him either a/ transferring the rest of the money to me & b/ sending me the actual executor bank account statement.
However he is over £2000 short on what there should be outstanding to give me & I still haven’t had the statement from last October.
He has continuously tried to give £1k to my cousin who was due to be executor & renounced it but she did not have any monetary recompense in the Will anyway & £1k to another beneficiary who died some years ago & who did not have any relatives on his silly spreadsheet.
My cousin G & I think that he is giving me these small amounts so as to confuse me. He should have sorted this out months ago but it’s still dragging on. X