1. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    7,011
    Suffolk
    Just booked OH in for 2 weeks respite. It's £850 a week, and we are not in anywhere particularly expensive. Daily respite is over £15/ hr, so your £50 would get 3hrs care! If someone would look after OH for £50 per week I would snap their hand off!
    I think you need to set a higher, realistic price. I understand OH is at a later stage, but I'm on second carer breakdown.
    As has been said, if anyone complains, hand her over.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,780
    Female
    London
    OH and I share all rent, utility bills and food costs equally. Costs to do with his care like day care money or incontinence pads go from his money alone. I've never thought of billing for my care as such but the Carers Allowance I am now getting from the state, measly as it is, is more than £50 a week. You have to remember that any financial assessments to do with your MILs future care will be done on her money, not yours and you could be doing her an actual disservice if she is deemed to have too much money to qualify for financial help from the state just because you've been paying for everything when there was no need to do so!
     
  3. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    26
    Ahhh thanks everyone. Xx
     
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,291
    SW London
    #24 Witzend, Jan 17, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2015
    I know you can't really compare the two, but my daughter has recently rented out a single room in her house in Oxford to a temporary lodger. The cost is £350 a month, which includes bills but not food, and that is considered pretty damn cheap for Oxford.

    By that standard I would not think your £50 a week remotely excessive. If anything I would think £75 a week, all in, would not be at all excessive, either. Only just over £10 a day, after all, for everything!
     
  5. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    26
    Wow yes when you consider that its not much. We have a large house but she occupies the whole bottom section has her bedroom and separate front room which she never uses! It was done out really nice so she could have visitors but no one comes...When her lovely grandson takes her out she let's him pay and he is 13 years old! Sometimes I do feel she knows everyone is paying but can't tell if its the AD or not. I think the issue I have is she days one thing does another...ie offers money but it never appears so I kind of feel its being done behind her back but we are in a no win situation :( she owns a house which is in the worth about £350,000 which is currently lived in by my SIL and her two children. She is a widow of MIL other son. Her savings are in the £30,000 mark and that's what we know of because of course she never spends it.
     
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,956
    Female
    Scotland
    You must be aware Feffy that she is taking advantage of the situation. I mentioned before my SIL who is physically but not mentally handicapped and she does the same - because she can. Everyone has always been so kind to her and pays up front so the result she does not want to pay for anything.

    I watched my other two SILs gradually resenting her and having nothing to do with her so when it came my turn to be responsible for her I knew I had to come up with a set up where I only tolerated what was acceptable to me. Instead of having her to live with me I organised sheltered housing. It was the best thing for her but could have been quite destructive for my marriage as my husband went overboard trying to make everything perfect for her. She is his little sister after all.

    In fact I was able to distance myself and do as much or as little as I wanted and I honestly believe that John's AZ worsened during the period he sacrificed himself to his sister. Eventually I became totally responsible as he could no longer handle it. Would you believe she has risen to the occasion when I made it clear that I had my hands full and she would need to shape up.

    Make the rules Feffy. It is your home.
     
  7. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    Like others on here, I think there is ample justification for your guest to contribute to your household bills and £50 seems very little for what she is receiving. She presumably has a state pension and the attendance allowance.
    If her teenage grandson takes her out I would give him money from her account to cover any costs incurred. If her money is spent on her comfort and enjoyment no-one else is bring deprived. What is the point of her hoarding it?


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app
     
  8. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,291
    SW London
    #28 Witzend, Jan 17, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2015
    I think you just have to be blunt about it, and if she doesn't like it, tough. There's no way a 13 year old should be paying for her! Sometimes I think we can pussyfoot about a bit too much with someone who has dementia, tiptoeing around them on eggshells for fear of upsetting them... Though heaven knows I've done it, too.

    Old people can become a bit funny with money anyway, even without dementia - they start living in the past and thinking in prices from years ago. My Oh's old aunt (no dementia) had always been on the tight side, but she became incredibly so, resenting every penny, even though she had plenty. When she finally went into a CH she insisted on us 'officially' paying the fees, since if the CH knew she had any money (she said) they'd find a way to steal it or cheat her. So we had to pay, and then my poor OH had to go through the ordeal of getting her to write a cheque to us every month. To her it seemed a fortune - she absolutely hated writing those cheques - it was a bit like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost handing that cheque over :D - so he really had to get tough and stand over her, or she'd never have done it.
     
  9. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    26
    Thanks again everyone really cheering me up! We have decided we will put it in writing ting to the brothers but it will be a case of this is what we are doing, not a letter asking. I suppose I worry too much but I am genuine in saying I don't want to take advantage no matter how much money she has. But yes we will start making her pay her way. I think I just feel sad that so many people in this position are taken advantage of my dear old mum for one. It makes me mad to think there are vulnerable people out there. X
     
  10. Miss shiraz

    Miss shiraz Registered User

    Dec 24, 2014
    79
    Midlands
    #30 Miss shiraz, Jan 18, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
    Bless you feffy. Yes you need to be tough but fair at the same time and from your posts I'm sure you will. Ensure she takes some money when her grandson takes her out, or as others suggest give her pocket money (from her account of course) when they go out.
    we either give MIL 2 simple choices or just tell her. Its like dealing with a child more and more.... she behaves like one too. I think they call it tough love but all done in her best interest.
    you do more than enough for her so why put up with her 'antics'??? Easy for me to say.... hope your OH agrees with your approach, mine doesn't always. I do think its easier when its not your own mum and in effect you've assumed the daughter role :rolleyes: i know i have.. oh what joy!!
     
  11. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    801
    North East
    I think you will find that at £50 a week, she is contributing to her upkeep rather actually paying her way, do keep this in mind. You are not making money out of her, she is contributing (still very generous and kind of you).
     

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